Things I never appreciated until I started working a "real" (aka crappy) job

1. TGIF. Yes, in college, I did mutter the phrase "Thank God it's Friday" several times, but I never fully meant it. Nowadays I would kill a person on Tuesday to make it be Friday. I'm not only thanking god on Friday; I'm reassured that there is a God because of Fridays

2. Honestly I really only had the first one. I thought others would come to me as I was writing, but it just didn't happen.

Reasons my neighbors think I'm weird

* I am currently wearing a winter hat (with ear flaps and strings, and a puffball on top), a college t-shirt, and rolled up sweatpants. (All in different shades of red).

* I get up at 6:30 AM on Saturdays and clean, although that is the ONLY time that I clean.

* I shred lots of things in my shredder. In fact, I shred every chance I get. I am tempted to shred the NY Times.

* I have an odd schedule for someone who works a regular job. It's not uncommon for me to go to bed at 5 (am OR pm) and wake up at 5 (am OR pm).

* I watch weird shows.

* I talk to myself. I often laugh at jokes in the shower. Often they are ones that I previously made. "Hah! I said that yesterday. That was HILARIOUS."

* I get lots of deliveries. Let's leave this one alone.

* I have lots of visitors. Some at odd hours.

* I produce a lot of garbage - most of it is Diet Coke containers.

* They hear me shouting things like "BREW NOW BROWN COW" and "THATS MY HOUSE" - even though I live alone.

* I watch them.

Concrete Plan for The Weekend of Productivity

1. Read all three Scientific American magazines that I received yesterday. Apparently when I subscribed for a year, they thought I meant a year's worth of back issues, all in one day. They were mistaken.

2. Drink coffee. And water. And juice. Basically just drink a lot, but not alcohol. Unless it's in coffee. Or water. Or Juice.

3. Lesson-plan, grade, and all that other teacher blah-blah.

4. Hang out with Shoop Shoop. Although, I haven't actually discussed that with her.

5. Get groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot to be worth the $5 delivery charge, but I think I may have ordered too much. I can always store them on the patio... or in the "fireplace".

6. Watch a ton of TV. Normally this wouldn't be "productive", but as anyone who knows me knows, I do my best work with a low level of distraction.

[As evidenced by this post I am NOT an English teacher.]

More things for Kristin, or Perry, as I like to call her.

* The weekend of productivity has begun! I went to sleep last night at 8. Yes, 8 PM. And (predictibly) I woke up before 7:00 AM. In the first half hour of productivity (It's 7:30 right now), I have made coffee, put in Home Movies, and I threw some stuff away.

* Season 1, Disc 3, episode 1 (on the disc) of Home Movies is my classroom. I actually had some students confuse biography with biology. However, my students are not 7 (as they are on the show); they are 14.

* The plan for today: Clean up my sty of an apartment. It may take forever, but I am prepared.

* Speaking of stys (sties?), one of my students told me she had a sty so she had to go to the doctor the previous day. I replied with "Eww Gross, get away." But it also reminded me of Sex and the City with the pigeon, which made me laugh.

* That's all I've got for now. I must continue with the Weekend of Productivity.

A new update!

I've decided to make a post titled "Things Kristin would be interested to know." It was normally things I would just email her, but I thought, why not include everyone in on the fun?

* Oprah is a downer. However, Ellen is quite uplifting. Moral of the story: gay people are more entertaining. (It's science.)

* I just ordered approximately 3,500 servings of diet coke from fresh direct to be delivered to me tomorrow at 1:00 PM. However, I also just bought a 12-pack to tide me over until then.

* I have decided to be a hermit this weekend, not going out at all. It's very invigorating.

* I have also decided that historians will look back on this weekend as "That weekend that lindsey was productive". But, I will not start until tomorrow.

* Paris Hilton is dumb. I mean, like, really dumb.

* I often perch on the edge of my sofa to lean forward to type on my computer. After 20 minutes my back starts to hurt, and I realize that I own a laptop, and I can indeed place it on my the top of my lap.

* The two diet coke can holders you keep in the freezer are the best purchase I have ever made. I bought them when I was 11 for about 2 bucks each, and I have used them approximately 6 billion times.

* We (Kristin and I) should make a soap opera a part of our weekly show. Also-we shoud really start a show. We can start with an audio podcast, then video podcast, then Thursdays at 8:00 PM preceding The Office on NBC.

* If given the chance, I would definitely have sex with Ellen. But not Oprah. (Can you tell that I'm watching afternoon television while typing this?)

* I like those little cheeses covered in wax. I don't particuly like the cheese, but you can mold the wax into shapes. During a conference, I accidentally smeared a shiny wood table full of sticky wax because I was rolling it into a ball.

* 88 ounces is not 8 ounces, which is the mistake I made that caused my last purchase which is currently in my kitchen. Sigh.

* There is a store in my hometown that has "bag sales", where you can buy a bag of clothes for 5 dollars. It's like good-will. I want to buy all of my clothes there.

* The Britch Parliament on C-Span is by far the best show on televison. Hear hear! Poppycock!

The End. For Now. Dream of me.

Liberalism makes my head hurt

I still mostly consider myself a liberal, mostly. But some of the liberal arguments make me feel like I'm having a conversation with my students. (No, you're not allowed to swear in class. Yes, 'fuck' is a swear word. No, swearing to god is not a swear word. Yes, you'll get in trouble if you swear that you're going to kill someone, but not because you're swearing.)

I know I said this wouldn't be a political blog, but the New York Times is making me re-think that. The issue that's pissing me off:

Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart stock kind of sucks, especially since it made 312 billion in sales last year alone. 312 billion, people. That's $312,000,000,000. So to raise their stocks they are going to cut down on old workers who make a lot and get health insurance, and move to more part-time younger workers that cost less and have more flexible schedules. Makes sense, right?

Also, the first Wal-Mart in Chicago opened it's doors just a few days ago. More than 15,000 people were vying for the store's 490 jobs. That means that less than 1 in 30 applicants were actually given one of those snazzy blue vests. Common sense would say that Wal-Mart should be able to pay what they need to to get qualified workers. Are they forcing a small group of needy people to earn minimum wage while doing horrific work? Are they evil employers with sweatshop children being paid 5 cents an hour to stock their shelves? No! If 15,000 people want to work at ONE store, they can pay whatever the hell they want to and still get some decent employees (and let's face it, Wal-Mart's standards of a "decent" employee are pretty lenient).

Some complaints in today's NY Times include that workers are forced to work at night sometimes, which interferes with their ability to cook dinner and read to their children. Are you kidding me? You work at Wal-Mart. Just because you have a job doesn't mean you should have complete control in scheduling and wages. You work at Wal-Mart! It's probably open 24 hours! You are not an upper-level manager with a degree in business management. Stop bitching, and if it's so damn bad, quit and find another job. There has already been an ordinance proposed (and vetoed) in Chicago to make Wal-Mart pay their workers $10 an hour by 2010. If all of the 490 employees are upset enough by this to quit, then quit! They'll just go to the remaining 14,510 people who still want to work there.

This is what I've been shoving into my childrens' heads for the last 4 weeks. Without an education, you are guaranteed nothing. You are not guaranteed that you'll be home to read to your kids, or have dinner with your family. You are not guaranteed that if you work 40 hours a week you'll have enough to feed your family and pay all your bills. There is a system, however, that does guarantee you these things regardless of education. It's called communism. And in case you haven't heard, it doesn't work.

Moral of the story: If being employed by Wal-Mart is so horrible, quit. There'll be thousands of people willing to take your place. If you don't like the capitalist system that makes this all possible, move. I hear that Cuba doesn't even have a Wal-Mart, so you'd be good to go on both counts.


Okay, so maybe I'm not a liberal anymore...

Vast Generalities

Women are very different than men. Women say that men are stoic and uncompromising, whereas men say that women are over-emotional and irrational. This has spurred many studies and books and movies, and has generally baffled mankind since the beginning of, well, mankind.

I have the answer.

Men can see the path in front of them, whereas women live in the moment. When a serious relationship ends, men see it as just another step in their life and can move on and get over the relationship much quicker. They spend much less time pondering "what could have been" and simply accept the fact that it didn't work out and it's for the best.

Women, however, can only see that moment of emotional distress. They mourn the relationship as if it were a dead friend. They don't see that there will be another man in their future. They do not remember the faults of the relationship, but they dwell on the good parts - selectively ignoring the glaring reasons the relationship ended.

This is true in day to day male-female interactions as well. When I have an argument with a male, I don't see that it will be better tomorrow. I feel that I am sad and angry RIGHT NOW, and therefore will always be sad and angry. Therefore, when I do have a fight, I want it to end as soon as possible and have the relationship go back to normal immediately. When guys get angry, they need to just be angry for a while, cool down, then everything will be okay. Girls (especially myself) need the comfort of knowing (as soon as possible) that everything is better. They don't see the big picture.

This mindset causes women to act crazy - like it's their last day on earth, or that that man is their soulmate - even if we (deep down) know that he wasn't. Men come across as cold and heartless, even though in actuality they just have the foresight to not emotionally break down when placed in an emotionally explosive situation.

I think this also causes women to give in to things they'd rather not give in to. They think it's better to let him choose the restaurant or the movie or who has to make dinner rather than risk enduring the uneasy argument stage.

I may very well be completely off-base here. Or, I'm not, but I want to avoid any sort of tense altercations.

Fall Lineup Reviews

"The Class" - ABC Mondays 8:00

I give it one thumb up. It has potential, although it seems to force the humor sometimes.


"The Office" - NBC Thursdays 8:30

Best show ever, or at least on network television.


That's all I've watched so far, and I'm only speculating on The Office.

I probably should have watched more than one show before I wrote this...

Free Granola Bar! (link)

Am I the only one who doesn't care whether or not he eats the box, but I just want my free granola bar?

It ain't just apples and chalkdust anymore, folks.

Since i became a NYC public school teacher:

1. I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life.

2. I have much more respect for all public school teachers, especially my mother.

3. I have strained my vocal chords to their very limits.

4. I get up every day at 5:30.

5. I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep a night.

6. I have used "word" to mean the affirmative.

7. I have been told on several occasions that "I be beastin'."

8. I realize that talking about standards and soft bigotry and institutional failure does nothing. At the end of the day, most of my kids still cannot do what most white kids can do by 3rd grade.

9. I have become a proponent for trade school instead of the "Unless you're going to college, this is pretty useless to you" approach.

10. I hate the system. I hate the system that puts a girl in my class who cannot speak English but is not considered ESL because her first language is not Spanish, it's French. I hate the system that thinks that the solution to bad teaching is forcing students to take huge tests, then retake the class if they fail. I hate the system that will fire me if I do not put an "aim" on the board each day but lets hundreds of kids slip through the cracks.

11. When I come home at night, I want to cry. Often I do. It's not for any particular reason or for any reason at all.

12. I cannot watch TV dramas anymore. Law and Order isn't as cool when the 16-year-old that was shot on TV could be the same kid in my class.

13. I chastise kids in public. "Why are you hanging out on this street corner? Shouldn't you be on your way home, or doing schoolwork?"

14. I get angrier at young kids who misbehave in public. If I can quiet a class of 34 rowdy 14-year-olds in an 85 degree room to learn the scientific method, you should be able to quiet one 5-year-old that came out of your own body.

15. I hate copiers, and printers, and most technology.

16. My lunch is a diet coke. Maybe also a breakfast bar, but usually just the diet coke.

17. I hate the fact that my kids have to get to class 30 minutes earlier than kids at other schools, just to get through security.

18. I have very little respect for the program I'm in. It's like we spent 9 weeks learning about the physics of the backstroke, then were dumped into the ocean and told to swim 2 miles to shore.

Will I make it through the end of my program (2-3 years)? Maybe.

Will I make it to the end of this year? Maybe.

Will I make it to the end of this week? Maybe.

All I know is that I didn't quit today, and I'm planning on going in tomorrow.

Now I'm going to go cry for no reason. No reason at all.

How could I have forgotten Harold and Kumar??!!

The best movie EVER.

Movies Everyone Should See

The Exorcist
Friday the 13th
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Casablanca
The Matchmaker
Under the Tuscan Sun
So I Married an Axe Murderer
The Muppet Christmas Carol
When Harry Met Sally
Ghostbusters
Rosemary's Baby
Final Destination 1 (and maybe 2)
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Birds
The Laramie Project
Jaws
Philadelphia
Psycho
Real Women Have Curves
Tommy Boy
Black Sheep
E.T.
Love Actually
Say Anything
My Girl
My Girl 2
Silence of the Lambs
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Sixteen Candles
Thank You for Smoking
Now and Then
Poltergeist
The Way We Were
And the Band Played On
The Breakfast Club
Calendar Girls
Dead Poet's Society
Father of the Bride
Father of the Bride II
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Add yours in comments...

Call me Miss Orayduh

Tomorrow I start teaching. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little freaked out. I'll have 5 classes with about 200 kids total. Yikes.

Well, wish me luck.

Ode to Coffee

Coffee
Black or with cream and equal,
Italian, from Starbucks, brewed on extra-strong,
I love you.

Coffee.

Coffee
You are made in my beautiful red coffee-maker,
Black and hot, you come out,
Giving me caffeine.

Coffee.

Coffee
You have made me short and given me coffee breath,
But I don't care.

Coffee.

When am I grown up?

When I was in kindergarten, my definition of "grown up" was being in sixth grade. Then when I got to sixth grade, I thought that high-schoolers were grown up. Of course in high school, the college kids were the true adults in my mind. This leads me to the question...

When are we truly adults?

People my age are getting married, having kids, getting "real" jobs, buying houses... but is that what makes you an adult? By most standards, I probably am all grown up, but let's look at the evidence.

FOR being an adult:

* I have my own apartment, in NYC no less.
* I have credit cards, my own bank account, and I actually OWN furniture.
* I have a job that comes with a significant amount of reaponsibility and also gives me a health insurance.
* I do "adult" things like go to bars, have dinner parties, watch the news.
* I pay the adult fare for things like movies and museums.
* When I meet people they ask me if I'm married, or have kids.
* I can kill spiders by myself.



AGAINST being an adult:

* I have the sense of humor of a pubescent boy.
* I still get most of my clothes from stores like American Eagle, or the Gap.
* I cannot walk in high heels. Or medium heels. Sometimes I have problems walking in general.
* I don't make grocery lists. When I go to the grocery store I shop like a 6-year-old left alone. This means that I end up buying boxes of cereal for the toys and ice cream and things that are shiny and new and no nutritional value.
* I don't cook. I make things like scrambled eggs and spaghetti, but I rarely make things that require more than 3 steps.
* I get drunk. Not a lot, but I partake in what others might call "binge-drinking" on occasion.
* I do things I regret. A lot. For example, I might get into a beer fight that ends on the floor of a bar with a tall man on top of me.
* I sleep in. Sometimes past noon.
* I find little things amusing. I can stare at a frolicking squirrel for hours.
* I make lewd jokes and comments. "That's what she said" and "Your Mom" are a normal part of my vocabulary.
* The thought of getting married and/or having kids petrifies me.
* I do not plan my life more than 6 months in advance. I absolutely do not understand people who know what they'll be doing in 10 years.
* I love kidstuff, like board games and toy stores and bubbles.

So, what's the verdict? Am I an adult?

Embarrassment

I do not get embarrassed easily. When I read the Cosmo's Embarassing Stories, I laugh, usually because not only are the stories not actually embarrassing, but things like that happen to me on a daily basis. People who embarass easily obviously don't have much fun in life, because they are unable to let themselves go publically.

On a related note, I just got into a beer fight at my favorite NYC bar with my friend Dan. It started with me innocently pouring beer into his glass (it was empty), and ended with us both covered in beer (I had beer in my shirt, he had beer all over his crotch... also I think he peed himself, but that's another story altogether), on the floor of Rudy's (#1 dive bar in NYC), with him on top of me, my shoe off, and both of us sticky.

Now I must handwash my clothes and shower. Thank you, Dan, for a wonderful evening.

Are YOU likely to be a serial killer? (link)

Even if I had all of the qualities of a potential serial killer (which I really don't), I think my lack of follow-through would prevent me from ever actually... well, following through.

My favorite quote is: "So in addition to the fact that I'm a stand-up guy who would never do anything to harm her, and that she's the love of my life and I would be a miserable empty shell of a man without her, Andrea should also rest easy knowing that I'd never kill her because there is no way I could survive without her half of the rent."

Vague, yet dramatic, much like myself

My horoscope for today:

The same old attitudes about life aren't cutting it anymore -- seek contrary ideas.

They made a movie about me.

It's called "The Ron Clark Story."


It stars Chandler Bing.

The End.

RIP, Mitch Hedberg, RIP. (link)

Most definitely one of the funniest comedians ever.

If you haven't actually heard him, I suggest you download either audio or video of one of his performances, so that when you read all of his jokes, you can hear them how he would say them.

I was going to list some of my favorites, but there are too many. Just read the website.

This was an email, but it's too good of a story not to share.

I most definitely got WASTED at our 30 minute "wine and cheese reception" and then spent the next 2 hours in and out of the bathroom throwing up at City College when I was supposed to be watching a movie about special ed. Then I came home and passed out when everyone else went out to celebrate our class being over... I just woke up.

They had this horrible boxed wine, and they ran out so most people just got a glass or two (if that). So people kept coming to our table to ask us if they could have some of ours. I was like the wine nazi.

Girl: "Can I have two glasses of your wine? It's for me and my friend."
Lindsey: "Well, you can have ONE glass. Which glass would you like me to fill?"
Girl: "Um... this one?"
Lindsey: "Fine."

We had about 4 carafes to ourselves because I hijacked some under a sweater, then a classmate and I sweettalked a guy in the kitchen into giving us two more. I had only had a bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies and a can of diet coke to eat for the entire day. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Eric: What are we doing this afternoon?
Lindsey: We're watching a movie about retarded kids.
Tiffany (girl from my class who appears quite innocent): We're watching a movie about what it's like to be special ed in the classroom.
Lindsey: Yeah. What did I say?

The best part of the evening (and by evening I mean time span from 3:30 to 4:00 pm) was probably when I did an imitation of Judith (the crazy teacher we got to quit/got fired) and what she would be like if she was having sex with Eric. (all done very loudly and with a Bronx accent)

NO! THAT'S NOT THE CLITORIS! DAMNIT I'M FROM THE BRONX, BITCH.

JUST RUB IT! RUB IT HARDER! FUCK YOU! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB? ARE YOU RETARDED?

JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. LET ME DO IT MYSELF. JUST GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND MASTURBATE. JESUS.

I shouted this all during this very innocent reception. It was such a bad idea to give us wine. Bad idea. I think I'm going to lie to everyone and just say I was wandering around looking at things. When I got back to class I had 7 missed calls from people asking where I was.

Another good one:

Lindsey: How much wine do you think there is?
Millie (Girl who is hilarious because she is only 20 and spent a year in nun-school before deciding that she didn't want to be a nun. She has my sense of maturity and evilness. When people ask why she quit nun-school she says "Because I needed the cock.") Well I think there will be a lot, because they get enough for everyone... and some people don't drink.
Lindsey: Yeah, those people are dumb.
Millie: Sometimes religious people don't drink.
Lindsey: What?! Why not? It's the blood of Christ for God's sake.
Several people glare at us while Millie (ex-future-Nun) doubles over in laughter.


And I just realized I have NOTHING to wear tomorrow. I was going to do laundry today... but getting drunk at 3:30 isn't really conducive to that. Looks like it's "poufy skirt and sweatshirt" day... again...


Haha, my horoscope: How can you have a life if you spend all your time worrying about what might happen? Courage is just fear that has a sense of faith. Acknowledge all your worries and then resolve to move forward anyway. "I'm going to get really drunk because I haven't eaten anything today..." It freaks me out when horoscopes are so damn correct.

Okay... I just took half a tylenol pm so I'm off to bed. I hope that you had a fun night as well. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow, assuming I don't spend the whole day in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Explore Space, Not Drugs (link)

Seriously... this was on my list of "Cool Earth Science Links".

Mmhmm

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey

Saucy

I really like Mary Louise Parker. She's strong, funny, intelligent - why can't more women get it together?

I Miss Jenks

"Look at you, you hot bitch.
Fucking sexy New York slutty bitch.
I love it.
NYC looks good on you.
Just like sparkles."

Sometimes Reagan was right.

"The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

Where was this from?

"I've always believed that you couldn't get pregnant if you didn't really know the person. That's wrong, isn't it?"

The Way We Were

"I'll take two hamburgers, two cheeseburgers, and four cokes.

Onion?

Yeah... in the cokes."

I miss CFACT

"No no no, I have 5 words for you. Triumph the insult comic dog. Wait, 6 words. No, no, 5 words... yeah, five words."

Saved By the Bell

Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?

Slater: Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.

Casablanca

"Well Mademoiselle, Rick is the kind of man that, if I were a woman, and if I weren't around, I should be in love with Rick."

Both True

"I have a theory that every now and then a person should get what they want, when they want it. It keeps you optimistic."
--Six Feet Under

"When the Gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers."
--The West Wing

The Office

Michael: My charity will be "Afghanistanis with AIDS"

Jim: Nope, I think you mean "The Aid to Afghanistan."

Michael: No, I mean "Afghanistanis with AIDS"

Phyllis: Afghani.

Michael: No, that's a dog.

Pam: That's Afghan.

Michael: No that's a shawl.

Dwight: Dogs with AIDS?

Michael: No, people with AIDS!

Creed: Who has AIDS?

Jim: Guys, ... the Afghanistanannis.

Checkmate? (link)

It bothers me that I do not know how to play chess. I've decided to learn today. I found this website, and I'm working my way through it slowly.

This may be slightly related to the fact that I have lots to do and am putting it off. Well, you know what they say... "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."

Is that relevant here? Whatever.

Classic

"I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel."

--Sex and the City

True?

"The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid being alive today."

--Six Feet Under

Ahh, Romeo

Guy: "You remind me of my friend. She's kind of sarcastic and really witty."

Lindsey: "Oh, thanks."

Guy: "And she's kind of a slut."

Music From Another Room

"Oh to hell with you, my fine fool death.

I will not go weakly like an obedient child or a quivering bride, no.

He'll have to mount me like an intractable whore. And drag me kicking and screaming, the miserable son of a bitch!"


I am going to memorize these words, and they shall be the last ones I say. Then, when you speak of me you can say that "she was witty yet unoriginal, may she rest in peace."

Make This

Cranberry Slush

12 oz can frozen lemonade
12 oz can frozen limeade
1 1/2 quarts cranberry juice
2 cup h2o
2 cup vodka

Mix, Freeze, Serve with 7up.

I like to increase the vodka and decrease the water, but that's just me.

Write it down, kids.

Jack and Jill went up a hill
To snort a little coke
Jack felt horny, so did Jill
But unfortunately Jack can't
maintain an erection
no mater how turned on he is.

There's no fairytale ending with cocaine.


--I didn't write this, but I forgot where I found it.

Doogtunes

"Ninjas watching The Matrix is like watching a retarded bear in the circus. It's painful and it's annoying, but it's just frustrating, because you wish there was something you could do. You don't really want to watch it, nobody really wants to see that. You know, they're on their little bike, and you're just like, take them away from all of this. You know, I put in an order form to kill everybody associated with The Matrix. Hopefully that'll come down the pike someday soon."

So True

Where are her values? Her principles?!

You know how it is when you want cock, they're the first things to go.

--Sex and the City

Weeds

"What to do if you meet a mountain lion:

Give the mountain lion some room.
Don't make eye contact.
Talk to the lion softly."

Are you sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?

Dr. Katz

"Women think they know, which always astonishes me. Women will always say "We look at guys sexually too." Women have no idea. They have no clue whatsoever. It's like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If women had any idea, if even for a second, of how we really looked at them, they would never stop slapping us."

Cincinnati? (link)

Kind of makes me want to move there... shockingly...

Cute

According to my mom, my relatives were discussing whether or not I'd make it in New York (thanks guys).

They decided that yes, I would make it... probably. This is their evidence:

1. When I was 4, I was visiting my aunt and uncle. Another 4-year-old girl was with us and we were in the back seat. Out of the blue, I turned to her and asked her who she was voting for in the "upcoming presidential election." She had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, but I continued. "I've thought long and hard about it, and I think I'm going to vote for George Bush. It's the best decision, and I think you should vote for him too." According to my uncle, the girl just dropped her jaw and looked at me.

2. When I was 5, my entire extended family was at a very fancy restaurant having dinner. When the waitress came by and asked me what I would like to drink (she thought it was so cute that I could order for myself), I responded with "You know, I think I'll have a beer." She was thoroughly disturbed.

Notice that neither of these have anything to do with teaching, but somehow they demonstrate that I will succeed. Since the outcome is favorable, I'll take it.

Religion

Religion is a tricky subject. My class was talking about how to address the "intelligent design" issue during our unit on evolution. I couldn't even participate in the discussion because I was so confused. How to address it? How do we address the tooth fairy and her role in the ecosystem? Where do we place unicorns on the evolutionary spectrum? We don't! It's make-believe! We teach science, which is real. Bah.

However, if I did have a relgion, it would be based on The Price is Right.

Lessons:
1. Even if you're lucky enough to make it on stage, you could still walk away with nothing.

2. Chance is crucial, but you increase your chances by wearing a homemade t-shirt with a message about Bob [God] on it.

3. Life is precious, but too much life is bad. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

4. Even if you try to beat the system by studying prices, you'll probably just get "Plinko" anyways, so don't even try to figure it all out.

5. If you bid $700, the bitch next to you will inevitably bid $701 and win.

6. Old people and college students know it all. The rest of us are out working when we should be having fun.

7. Sometimes the right person gets what they deserve. The cutest old woman won over $45,000 in prizes today - including 2 cars.

8. You can listen to your friends and family. But remember -- in the end, you're all alone on that stage.

Oh, how accurate.

Emily wrote a poem about me in class the other day:

Loves to Drink
Icky (I had a hard time with this)
Not paying attention
Dead in my drawing
Subway(tm) lover (the sandwich place)
East side resident
Younger than me, so hah!

FAQs

1. How'd that poster-thing go?

My teaching observation went really well. The kids were rowdy, and my advisor told me to be a bit gentler with them (apparently my teaching style is a bit nazi-esque). They liked the posters.


2. Damn, aren't you a teacher yet?!

I only have two more weeks of training. I am supposed to be in some sort of seminar today, but... I decided I need a day off.


3. When are you coming back to Wisconsin?

I will be in Wisconsin from August 5-9, assuming my ticket isn't screwed up by the stupidest woman in the world (who works for United Airlines, fyi). It'll be a bit of a time-crunch, but if you want to hang out, let me know.


4. Are you still single?

Yes, although I may be dating this guy. Either I'm not, and we're just hanging out, or we're coming up on our 1-month anniversary. It's a toss-up, really.


5. So you're not a lesbian?

No.


6. What about that gay prom? And didn't you come out in high school?

We've been over this already!! If I was gay, I'd be gay, but I'm not. But I still think everyone is born bisexual.


7. When is Kristin visiting again?

August 15th. For a week.


8. You don't seem very excited about her coming. Is that because you hate her?

Yes. Wait. No. It's because the teaching fellows have sucked all excitement out of me. I'm actually very excited for her to come. I started making a list of things for us to do, but it's much more realistic than the last list.

-- Taco Taco, a great Mexican restaurant 10 feet from me with hot Mexican waiters
-- Pinocchio's, a great Italian restaurant 15 feet from me with [hopefully] hot Italian waiters
-- MOMA - probably won't happen, but it could be entertaining
-- Lots of Trevor-watching and general hanging out on my patio/roof
-- Drinking. Much drinking.


9. Do you have mice in your apartment?

Yes.


10. Are we still friends?

No. Unless you email me, then yes.

Posters for Class

Camping

Well it's the 4th of July weekend, and I'm camping!

Oh wait, I'm not camping. I just don't have hot water. Or food. Or air-conditioning.


I'm going to sit on my patio and pretend that there's a lake. And then I'll pretend to go swimming and maybe make some microwave smores.

Can I use your shower?

Sidenote

I love Janeane Garofalo.

Beaver (link)

I can't believe I actually go to this school...

Now and Then

I love the movie "Now and Then." I used to watch it all the time in middle school. It was very similar to my life - biking everywhere, desperately trying to earn money, seances, etc.

For those of you who haven't seen it, it's mostly about 4 middle-school-age girls and their crazy summer, but part of the movie is the 4 girls as adults. They made a pact to come back together whenever of them needed the others, and now one of them is about to have a baby so they all come back home to support her.

I watched it the other day, and I was incredibly freaked out. For the first time ever I was much more similar to the adults than to the kids. They have careers and worries and have moved far from home, like me.

Even though I've seen the movie about 400 times, it never once occurred to me that I would one day be an adult like them. I thought I'd always be riding my bike around and chasing boys down my street.


Also it's kind of disturbing to think that I paused the movie repeatedly to see Devon Sawa's penis. He's about 14 in this movie.

So Happy

I'm in a state of bliss right now.

Reasons:

I have 5 days off. 5 DAYS!!! Today, tomorrow, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 5 DAYS!!!!!

I just got some coffee from starbucks. Mmm.

I'm on my patio with my coffee. It's pretty out.

I got my teacher fired yesterday. Okay that's a bit of a stretch, but I (and Emily) complained about her, and then she stomped off and shouted "You're all a bunch of hypocrites!" I broke the stunned silence by bursting out laughing.

After our teacher left we had 3 hours to kill, so we all went to Dallas BBQ in Harlem. I had TWO Texas Size Margaritas, one strawberry and one mango - both with an extra shot of tequila in them. Yesterday is kind of a blur, including my fellow advisory session, which was post-drinking.

I had a great convo with Mark, one of my fellow teachers. It involved shouting, political banter, and him showing me that he was not wearing any underwear. I like Mark.

I'm talking to Jane on AIM right now. Jane is one of those fabulously cool people that you're so glad you're friends with, but it's sad because you don't get to talk to them as much as you'd like. However - she is moving to Connecticut and is coming to visit me in NYC in August. Yay!!

On my way home last night it started pouring the second I got off the bus. I couldn't really run since I was wearing flip flops, and after about a block I couldn't really walk either (slippery rubber flip flops). I ended up just taking my shoes off and walking slowly home with a huge smile on my face (I was still quite drunk, despite having stopped drinking a good 3 hours earlier).

I was watching Dawson's Creek this morning. That crazy Dawson and Joey! It was a great flashback.

The Price is Right is on in an hour. I hope nobody wins my golf-cart-like scooter.

I'm going out tonight with cool people to a cool bar to watch the Mets slaughter the Yankees. Excited.

I still have a good 80 cans of diet coke, and am ordering more tomorrow.

Now I'm going to talk to Jane some more, read my NY Times, and drink my coffee. All on my terrace. FYI, it is the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of breeze. Mmm.

When did I get so happy-fuzzy?

Gay Pride

I was going to go to the Pride Parade today, but unfortunately I just have too much to do. On one hand, it's sad that I have to miss one of the best pride parades when it is less than a mile away from me, but on the other hand, let's all pause and marvel at how mature I've become.

I Miss TV

I have a few channels now that I actually have a TV, but I miss OnDemand, and CNN, and BBCTV.

Maybe I'll just suck it up and get real cable.

Underused Words

Tawdry: Showy, but cheap, and of poor quality.

Example: Shauna's boob job was tawdry, so she got pregnant and lives in a trailer.

Darwin

Darwin (and the theory of evolution) states that man and ape evolved from the same ancestor. NOT that man evolved FROM apes.

Seriously.

But I love Extreme Makeover Home Edition

I don't have air-conditioning. It's hot. The city seems to stay about 10 degrees hotter than surrounding suburbs. So, I ordered an air-conditioner from Sears.com - paid for installation, the 3-year in-home service fee, etc.

On Thursday, I come home to find this giant air-conditioner box sitting in the "lobby" of my building. I live one floor up. I, of course being ridiculously strong, push the AC up the stairs. It took about 20 minutes and was especially hot that day, so I was irate. I called Sears to complain, and they finally transferred me to UPS who told me that the delivery-man did not take it up the stairs because it was too heavy.

Next was calling the installation guys, who were supposed to have already called me. The guy that I talked to said that he had personally emailed me that morning because there was a problem with my order, and that installation was going to be about 100 bucks more than what I had already paid, and is that okay with me? First- no he had not emailed me, and when he forwarded me the email to prove that he had, all he did was type the letters "FW" in the subject line. Second-Here I am with the AC already in my apartment, so I don't really have a choice. I agree, but even though the guy I talked to worked for "Sears Installation", they only find installers rather than do it themselves.

So I talk to the installers. They don't have any open appointments for well over a week - even longer because I can only take Saturday appointments. I plead with the woman to find me something. A few hours later she called back and said that she had a cancellation for Saturday, today, from 9:00a - 12:00p. I cringed at the thought of 9:00 am on a Saturday morning, but I thanked my good luck and took the appointment, hoping that they wouldn't show up before 11:00.

At 9:06 my buzzer rings. The installation guy was nice, but told me that there was absolutely nothing he could do, because it's a sleeve AC, and his form said window AC.

I'm returning it on Monday.

I hate you, Sears.

I love FreshDirect.com

Obvious

I believe flag burning should be legal. It seems ridiculously obvious to me.

The flag represents everything that is great about our country, including the right to free speech and expression (i.e. flag burning).

If you make lighting a US flag on fire illegal, that does more to desecrate the sacred significance of everything the flag stands for than burning a piece of fabric ever could.

Fuhgeddaboutit (link)

Most polite? Damn right.

Disagree? I'll cut you!

Have you heard of this?

PSAS. Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.

These women can have up to 300 orgasms a day. Apparently it's horrible.

But on my list of disorders to have... it probably wouldn't be at the bottom.

And so it begins...

My schedule for the next seven weeks:

6 AM - Wake up
7:30 AM - Take bus to school (an hour)
8:45 AM - Get to class
9:00 AM - 4:00 PM Diversity in the Classroom
4:00 PM - 6:00 PM My Student Achievement Framework Group
6:00 PM - 7:00 PM Bus ride home
7:00 PM - About 2 hours of homework, readings, etc., dinner, and bed

And now...

Supernanny is on!!!

I'm so excited!

Oh how I've missed you, my little minx.

Wow

Seventh Heaven is still on the air? And Ruthie is a whore!!

Gosh, I don't have tv for 5 weeks and I miss so much...

I like Sex and the City before it was cool...

"Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Heaven is two words:

"Frozen grapes... on a 96 degree June day in New York City."

Okay two words, and 10 other words.

A Cloud of Cynicism

I'm tired of people not following through, not returning phone calls, not doing what they say they're going to do.

I'm sick of being disappointed by people.

I just wish that, for once, everyone wouldn't be such a stereotype of who they are.

Save Screech! (link)

This is capitalism at it's best! (or worst, either way I love it).

I bought one, and yes I sprung for the autographed version.

Six Feet Under

... is a great show.

I will keep track of fun quotes.

* Whoa, you are NOT on the list of people who get to touch my tits.

That's all I've got for now, but I'll add more later. Maybe.

NPH wouldn't do that.

Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris. Have a fur burger to celebrate.

Fate through drunken decisions?

Let's say you get someone's name tattoed on yourself. Then, for whatever reason, it ends. If you happen to find someone else with that name, how freaked out will they be when they see it?

Also, you should pretty much get married to that person, if only to avoid painful tattoo removal surgery.

Too PIcky?

These are things I've actually said out loud while looking at personals ads:

1. 5'11" is too tall
2. 5'9" is to short
3. His muscles are scary
4. Too good to be true
5. Spells words like your and you're wrong
6. Too "available"

Apparently my type is "worst-possible-choice", and it usually comes back to haunt me.

Random Blogs

I need to get back into writing random blog entries. Mostly so Kristin has something to read while she waits for me to call her back at 3 a.m., when in actuality I'm already fast asleep.

So, in that spirit, here are some random things I noticed:

1. When I'm waiting for the bus, I walk around everyone else waiting. They stand perfectly still, while I weave in and out. From above it must look like I am in an ant-farm. I think it's the ADD.

2. I have been yelled at every day by my "professor." Usually it's to pay attention, but he also told me to "see him after class" because I had my cell phone out. I'm sorry that I'm bored by your remedial class. Maybe if you made it more interesting (or harder than a special-ed third grade class), I'd pay attention. Bite me.

3. I'm bored now. More later.

Starbucks Cup

I've gotten into the habit of stopping for coffee on my way to class every morning, and yesterday I just happened to read the quote on the side of the cup.

The Way I See It #119
As you sip your coffee, think about al the science behind it: in agriculture, processing, roasting, extraction. Then think of all the science around you: in your cell phone, your computer, even your food. Shouldn't everyone be educated to understand the science that permeates their lives?

It may be a bit of a stretch, but it was a good cup to get on the day of my first midterm to become a science teacher. It made me smile.

The Lindsey-NYC tour

1. Central Park. Hot dog. Diet Coke. Spongebob ice cream. Best NYC dinner.
2. Sangria at a sidewalk cafe. Several pitchers, amaze people sitting next to us.
3. Make out with Jess. Preferably in public. Preferably at Bourbon St. Bar.
4. Watch Lindsey's neighbors walk around naked, have sex, and sit on their toilet for 2 hours. Possibly shout at them.
5. Lots of Diet Coke.
6. Get into a fight with a random person on the subway.
7. 3-decker diner. Aegean omellete.
8. Staten Island Ferry. Preferably at 2 am. Preferably following sailors.
9. Rudy's Bar, outdoor patio, cigarettes, beer.
10. Have someone sneeze on you. Preferably Lindsey.

Congrats Megan!

You get your masters the same week I start mine.  Sad for me, but yay for you.

Now get on a plane to come celebrate in NYC.



"My boobs look really big in this top..."

Restaurant Leftovers

Does anyone ever actually eat restaurant leftovers?  I always take them because of the whole "children are starving in Australia" thing, but even if I remember to take it home from the restaurant and actually heat it up, it's usually inedible.  

I think restaurants do this on purpose.  I'm not sure how, or why, but I blame the Irish.  And the gays.  Especially the gay Irish.  

Nick and Haig

If you have iTunes, subscribe to the "Nick and Haig" podcast. It's hilarious. You can also find it at www.doogtunes.com.

My personal favorite is "The Chihuahua."

Is this for real? (link)

"In summary, we can say that the Scripture supports and even encourages the act of oral sex between loving heterosexual partners. Moreover, the Bible specifically encourages fellatio to completion (orgasm) with the female partner consuming or swallowing the ejaculate. This prevents spilling seed, which is an affront to the Lord, and also provides spiritual benefit to the receiving partner. Oral sex has the added benefits of preventing unwanted pregnancies and helping couples satisfy their sexual urges while preserving their chastity until marriage. For these reasons, all Christian men and women should feel confident and comfortable including oral sex as part of their sexual life in accordance with God’s will."

Fairies dying, everywhere.

So many.

If you haven't already... (link)

Check this out. Foamy the Squirrel is my little furry hero.

1,000

My blog has had over 1,000 hits. I'm very excited.

(Counter is at the bottom, if you're interested.)

Me Llamo Jaime. (link)

Anyone else have to endure "La Catrina" in high school Spanish?

I actually kind of miss it. Kind of.

STOP (link)

Collaborate and Listen.

TV

I wrote off TV a long time ago. Decent, albeit simple shows gave way to reality crap. Writing, acting, directing... it all was replaced by mindless drama.

However, I see a light. One by one, TV shows are getting better.

* The Office - amazing writing, incredible acting, and characters you actually care about. I know it's "stolen" from the Brits, but as good as there's is, I believe ours is better.

* Conviction - started off a little slow, and had a lot to live up to, but its season finale pulls it together in a great 2 hour episode. This show's new, so if you haven't started watching it, download it on itunes. Now.

* Law and Order SVU - always a classic - not only is it retaining its initial popularity, but it's even getting better.

* O'Grady - cartoons for adults = genius. It's at the level of Home Movies and Dr. Katz.

* The West Wing - Intelligent TV? Yes. And it's entertaining, too (although slightly misinformed at times).

* Campus Ladies - I think it's on Oxygen, or WE Women's network. Anyway, it has a budget of about 5 dollars, yet is hilarious. I hope it catches on.

* Weeds - I've come to expect a little more from HBO and Showtime, and Weeds is good... not great, but good.



Great shows that aren't exactly recent:

* Queer as Folk - Excellent on every level.

* That show on Spike TV... it was a cartoon about some single early 30's guys who were conservative alcoholics. Apparently the show was too "real" to last more than a few episodes. It was called "This Just In."

* Sex and the City - everyone likes it, which is annoying, but it was entertaining, well-made, and shaped our culture in a way that few other shows have.

* You Can't Do That on Television - maybe it was because I was 8, maybe because the show was filled with slime and civil disobedience. . . either way I loved it.

* Six Feet Under - dark, yes, but well-written.

* Dead Like Me - show me another comedy that genuinely deals with death.

* Freaks and Geeks - it's a cult class, and for good reason.



I'll add more as I think of them. Suggestions?

Notice anything odd?

Thunderstorms

I love them. There's a "severe thunderstorm warning" right now for Manhattan, and I'm so excited.

Question: If there is a tornado, do I have to do anything, or does that not really affect people in the city? When I grew up and there was a tornado warning we would go in the basement immediately. I wish I had "Twister" to watch right now. Great movie.


Oooh thunder.

It's hoaky, but it works

If I want to be in a slightly better mood, I try to think of things I'm looking forward to that happen in differnet time increments. Here's what I've got right now:

> 1 hour
* My next cup of coffee. It's really good this morning, and it's the perfect day for coffee (rainy, dark, but with birds chirping-what this has to do with coffee, I don't know, but it fits)

* Getting internet in my apartment. I will finally be able to move my comptuer from this one-square-foot of bed where I get my stolen reception from


> 12 hours

* My building super is coming to do repairs. I made a nice little typed list for him. There are 10 items, and I even made a spot for him to sign and date it when the repairs are completed. Anal? Yes. Smart? Yes.

* Going to The DaVinci Code with V. This one is a little up in the air since I didn't buy my tickets ahead of time...

> 24 hours

* Sleeping in tomorrow


> Week

* Having my job finalized by Monday. I was offered the position, but there's still a little bit of doubt as to whether or not the position will actually be availalbe. Crazy publlic school systems.

* Personal training session with Richard. He is huge and kind of mean looking, but when he talks he's like a little kid. And then he makes me run uphill and I hate him.

* Kristin arrives on Wednesday. I'm most excited about this, especially because she's the first person to visit me in NYC (other than my parents). We will definitely be painting the town red. (What does that even mean?)

* Field trip to American Museum of Natural History - Kristin and I will be chaperones for this field trip. It's a Brooklyn High School, and the trip is about 70 kids.


> Month

* My sofa will be delivered next Saturday. Sitting on folding camping chairs has been fun (gotta love the cupholder in the chair), but I long for the furry soft goodness of a great sofa.

* Jess returns. It's been way too long since I've been yelled at repeatedly for not drinking or talking enough - simultaneously.

* Carrie is visiting on Monday, May 30. She just bought her ticket last night, so I'm still in that "new excitement" stage. We will also paint the town, but maybe in a different color than red. Purple, perhaps? Is it possible to paint the town "drunk"?

* Job science training begins June 5.

* Actual job training begins June 19.


> 6 months

* My Birthday

* School starting

* Autumn (the best season, by far)


... and a lot of other stuff. But, I'm tired of writing this blog, and you're probably tired of reading it.

So True

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

-- AA Milne

Expressions that are used way too often.

The early bird gets the worm.

Some days you're the bird, other days you're the statue.

You win some, you lose some.

Same old, same old.

Life goes on.

Yeah, well your mom _____. (AhemJess)



Others?

Job Interview #1

Tomorrow at 10 am.

I like this quote.

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.

--Robertson Davies

Rotten Tomatoes, Amateur-Blog Style

I've recently received a large number of DVDs for the summer, the vast majority of which I have not seen. I'll be reviewing them here.

Why, you ask? Is it because I have excellent taste in movies? Well, yes, that's part of it, but also because it will make me feel as though I am being productive when in fact I am just watching movies.

The Office

is by far the best network television show ever.

John Krasinski is an amazing actor, and deserves several large shiny awards.

He's kind of hot, too.

Breast Pump

I saw a place where you could rent a breast pump. I think that'd be something I'd buy instead of rent.

The whole idea of breast milk kind of freaks me out in general. Think about it. Juice, squeezed from your body, going into the mouth of a small child.

Although 20 bucks says that a drink comes out in the next decade that markets itself as being like breast milk.

Possible names for said drink:

* Boob Soda
* Titty Cola
* B-Milk

Oh, yeah

The building next to mine fell down today, and also we have a masturbating flasher (with great fashion sense) who frequents not only my block, but my stoop.

Pictures later (of the building, not the flasher, unless we get lucky...).

Gay

At some point I stopped being angry about people using "gay" as an insult. Now I'm just confused. Do you know how dumb you sound?

Also, if I say something is gay, it's because it is gay. It is homosexual. Men having sex with men is pretty damn gay. Do not glare at me like the times I glared at you when you said a movie/book/etc. was gay. It's different.

Insomnia

I really should do something productive with my insomnia. Maybe I could make something out of painted macaroni.

Who wants a necklace?!

Todd

... is not gay and will be the reader of the week when it's not 3:00 AM and I have time to write a proper post, because he deserves to have a good blog post about him not written by a psychotic bitch.

Who should NOT be allowed to be friends with Gale Harold. Whore.

eHarmony

I decided to set up an eHarmony profile. I'm 67% done with it, and I've been working on it for approximately 41 hours.

I expect that when I've finished the profile I will get an email from them telling me to just get a cat.

Productive

I decided that I need to get organized. I don't have a ton of storage space, so I was going to have The Container Store (www.containerstore.com) design my closet for me.

I was filling out the online form, and I needed to know the exact dimensions of the closet. I looked for my measuring tape for about 2 minutes, couldn't find it, and gave up.

Damnit, I need to get more organized.

Well, I actually passed.

I passed both tests. Woohoo. And I celebrated passing both tests by being dumb, the effects of which I'm still getting over.

Since this is MY blog, I am going to brag.

On the Letters and Sciences Test (LAST), I got a total of 278 out of 300 (220 needed to pass):

Scientific, Math, and Tech. Processes: 300 (perfect!)
Historical & Social Scientific Awareness: 263
Artistic Expression and The Humanities: 300 (perfect again!)
Communication and Research Skills: 263
Essay: 260 (I actually thought I bombed this one. Badly.)

On the Bio test, the one that I was most worried about, I got 258 out of 300.

Foundations of Scientific Inquiry: 261
Cell Biology and Biochemistry: 287 (Oh yeah.)
Genetics and Evolution: 255
Bio. Unity & Diversity & Life Processes: 282
Human Biology: 209 (Egh.)
Ecology: 265
Essay: 247 (Which I thought I completely nailed, but oh well).

The bottom line is, I don't have to take either one of them again! This means that I can continue having fun until training starts on June 5, and that I won't have to study when Carrie/Kristin are here, and I don't have to pay the $300 late fee.

I'm happy.

Well, I'll be happy when I recover from last night's "celebration."

Test Scores

My teacher certification test scores come out today by 5:00. I have a strong feeling that I failed at least one of them. In all honesty, it's not that big of a deal if I do fail, but I just really don't want to re-take them.

The point is, I'm waiting all day for them to come in (or at least the rest of the day, since I already slept through half of it...).

These are things I will spend my day doing. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

* Sorting my itunes. I have 11 days worth of music to sort through and rate, categorize, delete. It's one of those fake to-do list items. Actually, now that I think about it, all of these are going to be a fake to-do list item (items that you put on your list for the sole purpose of being able to cross them off.)

* Cleaning. I can't believe I have to clean after moving in only a week ago, but I kind of like it. It's so fulfilling to be done and see it all clean... oh man, I'm my Mom.

* Calling around to Starbucks to pick up a shift or two. I miss the discount and free coffee and green aprons.

* Reading the 477 page booklet the NYC teaching fellows just sent me. Yikes.

* Drinking coffee/diet coke and sitting on my patio (This is by far the most likely option)

* Reading/studying for when I have to retake my test

* Going to the gym (Probably not, because that requries leaving my internet connection. They look at you weird if you take a computer on the treadmill with you...)

* Writing pointless posts in my blog about what I should rather be doing. (Also quite likely.)

Go Mets (link)

I need to get to a game... anyone in?

No Pants Day (link)

It has just come to my attention that tomorrow is No Pants Day. Check out the website.

I may wear a skirt, even though that's apparently against the No Pants Day Rules. I figure, since I wouldn't normally wear a skirt, it counts as an appropriate substition for me.

Creepy

http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/20060428_HOMICIDE_MAP.html

News

I love news. I'm a news junkie. The biggest thing I miss about not having a television is not having news on in the background. (And The Price is Right, but that goes without saying.)

Sadly when I have something big going on in my life I tend to go into a little shell. Here are things I missed while moving:

* A giant fire in Brooklyn yesterday. Cnn.com has pictures of huge clouds of smoke over Manhattan. I didn't see it or even hear about it until today. I blame Mrs. O'Leery's cow. Why do we still let that woman farm in large cities?!

* An Armenian passenger plane crashed this morning in the Black Sea. I read "American" the first 16 times I saw it, and was very distraught. When I saw that it was indeed Armenian, I felt relief, then immense guilt.

* Is it inappropriate to make a joke about the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services) attending rallies for illegal immigrants? If so, then ignore this.

Two-minute mile in steel-toed boots.

I'm loving NYC, but every once in a while I see/hear/smell something that makes me tear up and miss Wisconsin.

"Beautiful" by James Blunt just came on, and it reminded me of watching Beauty and the Geek with Pete. I miss you, man. Come visit.

Internet

I was going to lay off of internet/cable for a while after I moved in, but I decided that I need internet. I am indeed, a battery-operated Mary Tyler Moore. (If you can tell me what movie that's from without looking it up, you get brownie points.)

So I called time-warner to set it up. Apparently the guy who lived in my apartment before me was, in addition to being phenomenally messy, a deadbeat. He owes time-warner lots of money and equipment. This means that I need to get a notarized copy of my lease with a photo ID faxed to them.

This would be no problem for most people, however I am a huge procrastinator. Therefore, I may not get internet or cable. Ever.

On a lighter note, I received my bed today. I am sitting on it right now! I think everyone should have to sleep on the floor every now and then so they'd have more appreciation for their beds. Also I just made my first cup of coffee in 3 days. It was glorious.

Noon

It's almost noon and I still haven't gotten out of bed. Actually, I should say that I haven't gotten off of air mattress. Yes, that's much more accurate.

Also, shout-out to Kristin, Pete, Megan, Carrie, Sarah, Amy, and all of my other friends I saw while home. I miss you guys. Come visit.

Moving Day

Things that I'll miss:

* Internet access
* Cable TV (Mets game?)
* Critter
* Laundry in Apartment
* Proximity to subway

Yeah, that's it.

Reader of the Week

It's Jess Berline, or as he likes to refer to himself, "Mr. Brocky".

I've known Jess for less than 2 months, but I feel as if we have a bond, a la the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. He is best known for his "Your Mom" jokes, asking me if I am a lesbian, and yelling at me to DRINK and TALK. He has two cats, Peekie and Mattie. And he's single! Oh, wait, no he's not... I forget sometimes.

Jovial
Endearing
Sexy! (I wish there was an M for Man-Candy)
Squash. He plays it. It's a sport of some kind.

Flibbertigibbit. His middle initial is "B", but come on, flibbertigibbit was too good to pass up.

Beer
Easy
Rogue, but not really. I just wanted to use the word.
Lascivious. I'll be honest, I had to look it up, but it's strangely appropriate.
I originally thought his last name was "Brocky," but that was apparently just a huge lie.
Newtonyc.org, which is how I met him but we don't like to tell people that.
Elevated... he's kind of tall... damnit, too many letters.

Horoscope

Put it into words. Whether it's a new business plan, a proposal for a theater production or a declaration of love, you can and should verbalize it today. That might mean writing, that might mean speaking -- heck, it could mean singing. The important thing is that you just don't leave this latest inspiration unsaid. Nobody, after all, can read your mind.

I have no idea what this latest inspiration would be, except maybe DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH. Especially when you don't take Vitamin B-12 first.

Alice in Wonderland

I just realized that the sealing wax in Alice in Wonderland isn't "ceiling wax."

A Great Night of Drinking

Has the following characteristics:

* Some heated political discussion sprinkled with shoutings of "YES! That's exactly what I meant!"

* An embarassing moment

* Someone drinks too much (but it's not you)

* A little side action

* Some sort of rivalry: drinking game, pool, cards, etc.

* Recognizing an old "friend" while you're both wasted

* Closing a bar

* Singing along to a bar song (preferably bad, preferably Jewel)

Um, read this (link)

Fun times in Madtown.

Flight Home

Tuesday, 9:19 PM:

I hate flying.

Highlights of Madison

* Beating Pete at pool
* Holding my own while drinking with Pete et al
* Seeing many people (of course)
* Getting wasted on the terrace with Carrie at 5 PM on Sunday
* Friday fish fry
* Family dinner-party thrown for me
* Almost getting a DUI
* Harry Potter Porn
* Having my flight delayed both going to Madison and returning to New York
* Conversations that you can only have in the dark at 2 am while drunk (and with many analogies)
* Killing fairies
* CFACT Meeting, and seeing CFACTers
* Having my drink bought by a random guy after telling everyone how New York guys buy drinks for me... and how it's great.
* Glaring at anyone who comes within 30 feet of me as I sit in the deserted Madison airport typing this.

Orayduh Reader of the Week (Month, Year, whatever)

Kristin...

Karing
Regal
Insipid... NO!
Sexy
Titi Monkey (The word that came up when I was trying to figure out how to spell titallating)
Illicit
Not Unfunny


Miss Kristin Rh*in*ck
Oh goodness. A naked girl.
Can't wait 'til you come.

Back to Wisco

I'm heading home for a few days. While home, I hope to:

* Meet up with friends
* Buy another Bucky t-shirt, since I just stained mine
* Get some Wisconsin trinkets for NY people (don't expect anything fancy, I'll probably buy it in the airport on the way back)
* See parents, family, etc.
* Drink. Drink lots. Drink lots cheaply.
* Visit terrace. Say goodbye. Cry.
* Clean my crap out of the office. Oh how I've missed you, SpongeBob mousepad.
* Eat cheesecurds
* FAC! (Although I may be there by myself, but I don't care.)
* Ship my blender to myself. Margaritas? Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain? Yes, yes, and stop quoting that song.

Anything else?

No, Jason. No.

Yeah, Old Lady

Old Lady had a t-shirt that said:

"Pretty Please Plinko"

That's going to be me.

Bob's Dark Side

Girl spins wheel: gets nickel.

Girl: "I'm definitely spinning again, Bob."

Wheel lands on $1.00.

Bob (very dryly): "Wow, you went over when you had just one nickel. That's a rare case of very bad luck. I hope the rest of your life goes much better."

Plinko!

I love The Price Is Right. I like everything about it. I like how people make assinine shirts exclaiming their school's love for Bob; I like how Bob has to be 146 years old, and looks the exact same he did 50 years ago; I like how the games are almost impossible to play (we're going to a random country and staying at a random hotel -- how much?!); I like how Bob tells me to get my pets spayed or neutered every single day; I like how the only people who participate on the show are college students or retired people; But most of all, I like Plinko.

Beep beep ... beep beep beep... $0!!


Sidenote: The retail price of an ipod was just $600 ($200 more than I have ever seen an ipod sell for).

It's a scam!

Beep beep beep... ... ... beep ... PLINKO!

Yankees or Mets?

I'm still trying to decide if I'm a Yankees fan or Mets fan... I'm fairly indifferent to the Brewers, so that's out.

I went to a Yankees game with my parents. For the most part it was fun. How can spending an afternoon watching baseball, eating hotdogs, and drinking beer in the sunshine ever not be fun? However, I didn't really feel the Yankees allegiance. I'll have to go to a Mets game to contrast and compare.

Proud

I'm proud of the fact that Dan was telling me a story, neither of us realizing he had already told it to me until we came to the point in the story where he used the term "blown off." We then both remembered that I, like the 12-year-old that I am, had made fun of that, and that he had indeed already told me that story.

New York, or places out of your norm

I think everyone should move to a place completely outside of home when they're in their early 20's. I've only been in NYC for about 6 weeks, but I've learned a lot about who I am, and more importantly, who I am not.

It's tragic to see people who never really figured it out, people who still need to validate their identity by the people who are around them, rather than by what is inside of them.

I admire the people who already knew this in high school. I'd like to think that I was one of those people, but I'm not sure.

I'll probably write more about this when it isn't 4:15 AM, but for now, take these sage words of advice:

Be yourself. If your friends don't like it, they're not your friends. If you're in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or simply just not "right", follow your instincts and leave. Never, ever do something you don't want to do to gain the "respect" of your peers. Do what feels good, and take pride in it.

In an ideal culture, this would be imparted on young adults before any geometry or ACT tests or other teenage bullshit is brought into the picture.

Pantyhose

I HATE pantyhose, with a passion. I feel like the feminist movement has not actually succeeded if we are still expected to wear it. If given the choice between the right to vote and the right to not wear pantyhose, I'm not quite sure which one I'd choose.

It is itchy, hell to get on, and tears easily. What is the point of it? It's transparent, so it doesn't count as pants (like tights), and is never worn alone... only with things that would be fine when worn sans pantyhose.

It was obviously invented by a man. He was just sitting there one day when he thought of making uncomfortable, hot, transparent pants for women. Apparently he thought to himself "Great idea, Bob!" His [male] friends probably cheered him on and gave him compliments. It may have been the high point of his entire life.

Sad.

It's like snorkeling.

I swear that I can smell water when I take the subway to Brooklyn.

Paris Theatre

The Paris Theatre has finally changed their movie. It had been "Joyeux Noel" since I moved here, but now it is "Belle De Jour."

I think it's time I buy some crappy candy, a diet coke, and head down to 59th.

Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle.

It wasn't mine.

00 Jeans

I think when you buy a pair of size 00 jeans, they should come with a cheeseburger that you are forced to eat.

Sales

I will buy something for 10 dollars that used to be 12 dollars even though I never really watned it in the first place. I'm saving 2 dollars; how can I not take advantage of that?

Stairs

For some reason the one flight of stairs out of the subway seems significantly longer than the three flights up to my apartment.

Gay Sex

I like that I have Queer as Folk on as my background show. I also like that I just looked up to see two women having sex, and it was about as shocking to me as the Weather Channel.

Can I pull this off?

Children

Sometimes I love kids, sometimes I hate them. Today there was an adorable little girl on the subway. We became friends when she told me about her souvenir-type purse that carried popcorn and could make lots of noise when banged against the wall. Then throughout the subway ride she kept looking at me, waiting for me to look back, and smiling devilishly.

However other kids should be shipped off to boarding school immediately and their parents should be banned from reproducing ever again.

I like to think that if I have kids, they will be the coolest kids ever. Their first words will be something random like "frappuccino" or "asparagus." Although they'll probably be stoned for the first 3 months of their life since I intend on being heavily drugged if anything of THAT size is coming out of THERE.

Distrust

I inherently distrust search engines, especially site-specific ones. Even when I'm using it for it's exact intended purpose (searching for a specific comic on comics.com), I doubt that it will point me in the right direction, even though it always does.

Fake To-Do

Today is my fake to-do day. It's when I cross things off my to-do list that probably shouldn't be on there to begin with, such as:

* Watch my netflix movies. Today's options include Alice in Wonderland, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the original... the new one should be burned), and PeeWee's Playhouse, season 1, disc 1.

* Clean my room, not because it's dirty, but so my nazi-esque roommate doesn't do it again.

* Laundry so I can wear my jeans tonight. I need to buy another pair of pants.

* Buy another pair of pants online. Am I too old for American Eagle?

* Write in my blog. I have many backed up entries in my head.

* Make plan for next week. Where to go? What to see?

* Read my new favorite book "Encyclopedia of an Everyday Life" by Amy Krouse Rosenthal. Thanks Kristin. ;)

* Plan Kristin's trip. I know it's not until the end of May, but I'm very excited.

* Take a nap. Mmm... naps on a rainy day.

* Order groceries. And by groceries I mean $40 worth of Diet Coke and maybe a steak or two.

* Look for apartments online. Harlem, here I come.

I'm so important and busy.

Admiration

There are a lot of chances for me to admire things on the subway.

First of all, I admire people who give up their seats. I know it's technically the law with certain seats, but it still makes me feel warm and fuzzy about the world when I see someone actually do it.

I also admire people who have the self-confidence to sing out loud to a song in front of dozens of people, most of whom hate them for disturbing the peace. However, I also hate them because I'm one of the people who likes the peace.

When I got to New York, I admired people who were so familiar with stops, that they knew which side to stand on to get out on their appropriate platform and what car will be closest to their exit, yet least crowded. Today I realized I'm one of those people, at least with my stop. Knowing this makes me feel happy, and at home.

Breakfast

Breakfast is overrated. Why does everyone say it's the most important meal of the day? I think the other meals will feel sad, possibly suicidal.

My trainer (Richard) told me to have breakfast before our last training session. I thought I did. Apparently "2 large cups of black coffee and some residual toothpaste" does not make a good breakfast.

Today my breakfast is spaghetti sauce, ritz crackers, and coffee with cream and equal. I represent all food groups (the sauce is meat-flavored).

Wait... fruit... oh, my toothpaste is mint flavored. Is mint a fruit?

Character

I feel like I shouldn't have to apologize for things that are instrinsically a part of my character.

For example: I hate talking first thing in the morning, especially small talk. My roommate loves to talk to me right away, I grumble and walk away. I do not feel guilty because it is in my character.

Nothing else matters

We all have circumstances that, when we are in them, nothing else seems to matter. You could be going down in a plane, having sex, or both; none of it matters.

For me, at least one of these circumstances is having to pee. At my "mixer" tonight I drank 2 pitchers of water. I went to the bathroom before I left, thinking I'd be fine, but apparently the water was hiding in my body somewhere. I suspect my left foot.

After a 90 minute subway ride (Brooklyn to UWS, with a train change in-between), I thought I was going to die. The motion of the train, the shape of the chair, the annoying-looking kid across from me... all of it reminded me of my full bladder. I actually had to alter the way I was walking it was so bad. But when I finally got to my apartment, it was fabulous.

My point is that 1. don't drink water, drink alcohol and 2. anything could have happened to me, and nothing would have mattered because my bladder was full.

Other such circumstances:
* Wearing shoes that are too small
* Realizing that I forgot to put on deodorant and am starting to sweat
* Having a sliver

More?

Weather

Weather still amazes me. I have lived in climates with sharp seasonal contrasts forever, but it still shocks me when the seasons change. Today was 78 degrees. I was shocked.

Genuinely Good Day

Today was a great day. My parents left (harsh, I know, but we do best when together in smaller doses), I bought a wireless keyboard (using it now!), I got a manicure, and it's absolutely beautiful outside. 75 and sunny. And best of all, I received my regional job assignment. I'm in Manhattan!!! This is supposedly extremely rare since Manhattan is where they need teachers the least (at least in comparison to Brooklyn and the Bronx). I'm definitely on cloud 9 right now.

Tonight I am going to an "accepted applicant mixer" to meet other teaching fellows. I hope to brag about my awesome placement while they lament about being in the Northern Bronx.

Technically I could stay in my apartment now, since the UWS (Upper West Side) is in my regional assignment, but due to many reasons I won't mention here, I need to move as soon as possible.

Well, at least I had 6 weeks where I wasn't looking for an apartment.

Things I do that are odd.

A running list...

* Shout "BREW NOW" when I click the "Brew Now" button on my coffee maker
* When I inevitably forget to put on some pore minimzer lotion that a nazi-esque saleslady made me buy, I mockingly shout "MY GOD my pores will be HUGE now."

More later.

New Words

We need more new words. Or better words. When my "word of the day" is "cum," it means we have to create some new words.

Today's new word: ferturbed. def: slightly annoyed, but mostly indifferent.

As in: Tourists on the subway wearing matching NYC hats make me ferturbed.

A friend is someone who knows you and loves you just the same.

I believe that I, and my friends, are intrinsically better than other people. I understand that you probably already agree with me since you are reading my blog, but let me go through my evidence anyway.

These are some of the attributes I love about my friends, and also try to emulate.

My friends:

* will take a good pub over a danceclub or a lounge any day of the week. I want a place where I can get a pitcher (and the occasional good cosmopolitan), have a conversation, and listen to music.

* understand that "good" music is based mostly on feelings and experiences associated with songs. Also, anything you can drunkenly sing along to is good music.

* are able to talk after years of being apart as if we have lunch together every day.

* laugh at not only ourselves, but others. Nothing is so serious that we cannot laugh at it. However, we also understand that we cannot make most of our jokes in public.

* don't judge each other based on superficial, non-defining-as-a-person events. You made out with an engaged guy you just met on a stoop? Great! You snorted coke off of a key from a stranger in a public restroom? Fabulous!

* do not choose our clothes or belongings based on what is popular. In fact, when we like something that then becomes popular, we actually like it a little less.

* have a vice. Whether it's alcohol, food, drugs, reading hoaky self-help books while drinking phenomenal amounts of diet coke... it's all good.

* will laugh out loud in public, even when by ourselves.

* are never ashamed of being ourselves, even when it means crying, drunk-dialing, or otherwise violating societal norms.

* are brutally honest. Yes, that shirt does make you look fat, but the haagen-dazs doesn't help either.

* are there for each other. Cat died? Boyfriend left? Girlfriend is dumb? TV is kind of staticky? Call me.

* will tell each other when we're repeating a story. Unless the person telling it is really excited about the story, then we'll just nod and smile.

* are not afraid to be the annoying ones. Playing a 1980's version of trivial pursuit during finals week in the quiet room of the university cafe? Excellent. The answer is East Berlin, by the way.

* are random. M: "Do you ever think that you're talking, and no one is really listening?" L: "... my boobs look really big in this top... what were you saying?"

* know that we're funny. Even when other people disagree, we shake our heads and wonder what's wrong with them.

* are not completely sane. We might be manic, or depressed, or bipolar, or just be a little out of it. But, we know that it just makes life more interesting, which is good.

* are unique, despite having most of these things in common.

I am picky with friends. I believe there are several criteria that have to be fulfilled before someone is a "friend" and not just an acquaintance. A friendship of convenience is an oxymoron.

Friends must:

* know each other for at least a year. If it's less than a year, you can't know for sure.

* step up to at least one challenge. Being a friend is a privilege, not a right, and it must be earned.

* be able to be quiet with each other.

* be comfortable with each other. The more comfortable you are, the better. (Although, there are limits... Pete... I don't care if you are genetically flatulent, and Megan... knock louder next time you're early to meet me)

* have seen each other at a not-so-great point. Passed out on the toilet? Crying over a not-worth-it significant other? Falling on your ass? Actually admitting that you watch American Idol? All of these work.

* have at least one inside joke that will always be funny. Some great ones: *It's just Jews... *PIckle-palooza *Nu-unh, he gets the sperm *Life is like a cup of tea, it's all you know how to make.

* experience a "first" together. It must be a first for both of you. The bigger the experience, the better. Highlights from my list of firsts: haunted houses, the Antigo historical museum, gay-pride festival, gay bar, and several illegal activites I won't list here.

* be willing to share chapstick, soda, food, whatever. Random, yes, but still true.

* take your side in a fight. Yes it sounds a little 5th-grade, but it's even more important now.

* be willing to read your insanely long blog entries written at 2:30 AM and comment on them, telling you much how they love them and you, and that they're going to come visit you in New York City. Unless they live in New York City, in which case they are going to buy you a beer.

Girl Drama

Freaks me out. Like on Mean Girls. I can't handle it. Guys are so much simpler. And Kristin is too. And Megan. And Carrie. And any of my other female friends who read this.

11:55 AM, Today

Employee (guy): Yeah, I mean he was cute and everything, and I would've probably fucked him anyways, but I thought he was going to give me money, but then he didn't, and I was like, you know, disappointed.

Customer (old guy): You need money?

Employee: Yeah, I mean, the sex was good and all, but it was with a guy, so you know... money would be nice.

Title: Just for the thrill of it

Songs:

1. Just a Ride -- Jem
2. What About Everything -- Carbon Leaf
3. I Wish -- Skee-Lo
4. Video Killed the Radio Star -- Buggles
5. I Wear My Sunglasses At Night -- Corey Hart
6. Everyday -- Dave Matthews Band
7. You Gotta Be -- Des'ree
8. Que Sera Sera -- Doris Day
9. Proud -- Heather Small
10. Legend of a Cowgirl -- Imani Coppola
11. The Rainbow Connection -- Kermit the Frog
12. What a Wonderful World -- Louis Armstrong
13. Free to Be You and Me -- Marlo Thomas
14. 99 Luft Balloons -- Nena
15. Wig in a Box -- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

** This is a first draft.

Lindseytrack (like Soundrack, but with Lindsey... get it?)

Everyone should have their own soundtrack.

Here are the guidelines:

* 8-15 songs
* Each song should have a different reason for being on the list
* Don't be too obvious (Don't Worry Be Happy can't be on everyone's list)
* Don't just pick songs you like! God!
* The reasons shouldn't be immediately obvious (e.g. "I'm not a hollaback girl, so I'm going to pick that hollaback girl song!")
* You shouldn't pick the hollaback girl song
* The entire soundtrack, when put together, should represent where you are in your life right now; you don't need to talk about your history, or your future -- only as it connects to right now.
* Make sure you actually get the message of the song. It doesn't matter that it sounds happy if it's about how he killed a puppy for his dead girlfriend.
* Be proud of every song, and its reason for being on the list, even if its connotation isn't positive at first glance



These are the official soundtrack rules. Let me know if I've forgotten any.

I will now spend the 20 hours before my test picking my perfect soundtrack. You people know me (hopefully, unless you're CMB, or a stalker), anything I should add?

Impending Doom

Ever feel like something bad, yet undefined, is about to happen?

I assume it's a similar feeling to that of Anne Frank when she thought she heard the doorbell downstairs.


I'm going to get crap for this one, aren't I?

Review Question

Where is the pituitary gland located?

Answer: In the head.

Awake at 7:00 AM!

In an attempt to prepare for my test in a way that doesn't involve studying, I've started waking up early. Today I got up at 7:00 AM. Some of the more observant of you will say, no, you posted this at 8:00 AM. Well, it has taken me an hour to figure out what my name is and what that infernal beeping was.

However, I now have coffee and a toaster streudel and am watching Saved By the Bell. Zack had a crazy plan, but it backfired! Oh they are so original. I think it's time for another made-for-TV reunion movie.

Also, when is a cell phone company going to jump on my Zack Morris phone idea? It would be cheap to make, easy to sell, and incredibly fashionable. I want one in purple, with rhinestones.

Failure is Okay.

Last night, in order to procrastinate more, I went out for "a drink." Long story short, ended up going to sleep at 10 a.m. this morning. I just woke up and am watching The Ellen Degeneres Show that I recorded.

Best line of the night, other than the meat metaphor: "So, this guy in the bathroom asked me to snort some blow off of a key, and of course I did..."

Procratination

It is AMAZING the lengths I will go to to procrastinate.

I'm now watching a baseball game instead of studying.

I'm going to fail this test and be jobless forever. Forever!!

But ooh, the mets are winning.

It's time for a new

AIM screen name. I need ideas, because the last one was kind of a bust.

It must be:
* Funny
* Memorable
* Able to stand the test of time (aka, not "LindsinNYC")

Possible ideas:
* Smurfette
* Diet Coke
* Mike (my original name)
* Bootsrap Whore (Thanks Pete)

Maybe something to do with:
* Diet Coke
* Friday the 13th
* Queer as Folk
* Law and Order

Help!!

Blogging Sabbatical

I may not be posting for a while because my certification test is on Saturday.

Or, I will be posting a lot because I'll be procrastinating studying.

The latter is much more likely. Hence, this post at 3:13 AM.

What ever hapened to mystery?

Jess is nosy.

I Miss FAC

It makes me sad that "drink specials" in NYC are $10 pitchers of Bud Light.

It's 4:10 PM here, and it's Friday, and I should be drinking. :(

Yo-J

Does anyone remember Yo-J?  It was like juice, but also like yogurt.  I remember liking it.  

I notice that I remember liking a lot of things from my childhood, but once I experience them again, my illusion is shattered.  

Examples:
* Clarissa Explains It All
* Barbies
* Grape soda
* Glow-worm
* My Little Ponies

There are also things that are just as good as I remember them, if not better.

* PeeWee's Playhouse
* Fraggle Rock
* Those long thin popsicles that you get in boxes of 8 million that come in flavors of purple, red, and heaven
* McDonald's birthday cake (I haven't actually had this in the last decade or so, but those sugar decorations will always be fabulous)
* Late-night soft-core porn
* Muppets

Feel my muscle. No, feel it.

I joined a gym on Wednesday, for several reasons.

* They are ingenious marketers.  I went to their website (Crunch) and entered to win a free membership.  However, I did not ask to get info on joining.  The next day I get a phone call "Congratulations you have won a free membership!"  It turns out I need to go to the gym to scratch off a card to see how long my free membership is.  This got me thinking, so I went back to their website, and lo and behold (who says lo and behold?!  apparently me.) everyone wins a free membership.  Most of them are for a week, but they can go up to a year.  So, I walk into the gym to "claim my prize" knowing that it is a ruse.  Remember that.

As I'm filling out the requisite mother's-maiden-name, favorite-childhood-toy, best-sexual-position-in-a-bathroom form, Colin approaches me.  He is very chatty, almost forcibly so.  He takes me back to his desk where he tries to get me excited about winning the contest.  I say to Colin, "Colin, I'm on to you.  I know it's a ruse.  I'm smarter than you think I am, so stop talking down to me and get me a Diet Coke," or something similar.  He laughs and says that I should just scratch off my damn card.  I do, and win a free week (which is actually losing, in this ruse-of-a-game).  He decides that this means he should give me a tour.  I agree, but only for reason 2 listed below.

The gym was good. It had gym-type machines, and fit-type people which is pretty much all I expect in a gym. Also it had that wonderful gym smell. It's a clever mix of sweat, cleaning supplies, energy, and hatred. I'd buy it in a glade candle. They also have a boxing ring. If I had a nickel for every time I've felt the need for a boxing ring... um...

So, we end the tour, and we sit down to talk prices. Keep in mind, I still feel smart because I have figured them out. To make a long story short, I have now committed to a one-year membership and 20 personal training sessions. This was, in Pete's words: "an orgy of bad judgment." But like Colin and Rob and every one of their cult-like sales people said, this is an investment in Me. Whatever, I fell for their marketing. I even fell beyond their marketing.

Colin: "You should get 10 personal training sessions."
Rob: "Or 15."
Lindsey: "Okay, I'll get 20. Can I get a t-shirt too?"

My personal trainer's name is Richard. His chest is quite wide and he is very tall. When he found out he was my trainer he looked me up and down and got an evil smile on his face, like he was envisioning the pain he was going to put me through. I believe that he is a sadist.

Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, reasons my gym rocks.

* Chris Meloni goes to my gym. He does. My roommate saw him there. This may be the motivation I need to work out.

* http://www.crunch.com/downloads/index.asp Check out the commercials on the bottom. (Sidenote-how do I do the hyperlink thing?)

* The walls are crazy colors, like purple and red. It's like the 80's, but with more sweat. (I know, how could there be more sweat than the 80's?! There just is, my friend. There just is.)

* I am signed up for a full year, so I need to feel that it's awesome to justify my money-spending. Yay for self-delusion.

I still think...

that Joey should've ended up with Dawson.  

I know it's been years, and it was only a TV show, but come on.  

Dear CMB,

I like that you read my blog. I like that anyone reads my blog. It's just that I'm so shocked when my friends actually read it, I find it difficult to believe that someone who doesn't know me finds me amusing.

Please, read on, and respond often. I dedicate this post (and the next one which will most likely be much more intersting than this one) to you.

Gay for a Day

If you were gay for a day (or straight for a day, if you are actualy gay), who would be your "Person-to-sleep-with"?  

Mine would be, without a doubt, Supernanny.   

I hope she brings the "Naughty chair."

And if you're bisexual... I don't want to hear about it.

Girls' Night Out

I decided to harness my waking-up-at-4 PM energy and go out again tonight. I went out dancing, which was a mistake from the beginning. The extent of my dancing is the off-beat headbob and the sprinkler. It was pretty much what I expected with one exception: the bathroom. They had guys to open the stall door for you, pump the soap pump, and turn the water on. And they had mints.

I did, however, have an intersting drink called "The Fat Black Pussycat" which was also the name of the club. It was black, with a cherry, and it tasted like childhood in a glass.

I put this photo up because it was the one I looked best in. The guy in the photo is Robert (I think). I'm not good with names.