They made a movie about me.
It's called "The Ron Clark Story."
It stars Chandler Bing.
The End.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
RIP, Mitch Hedberg, RIP. (link)
Most definitely one of the funniest comedians ever.
If you haven't actually heard him, I suggest you download either audio or video of one of his performances, so that when you read all of his jokes, you can hear them how he would say them.
I was going to list some of my favorites, but there are too many. Just read the website.
Friday, July 28, 2006
This was an email, but it's too good of a story not to share.
I most definitely got WASTED at our 30 minute "wine and cheese reception" and then spent the next 2 hours in and out of the bathroom throwing up at City College when I was supposed to be watching a movie about special ed. Then I came home and passed out when everyone else went out to celebrate our class being over... I just woke up.
They had this horrible boxed wine, and they ran out so most people just got a glass or two (if that). So people kept coming to our table to ask us if they could have some of ours. I was like the wine nazi.
Girl: "Can I have two glasses of your wine? It's for me and my friend."
Lindsey: "Well, you can have ONE glass. Which glass would you like me to fill?"
Girl: "Um... this one?"
Lindsey: "Fine."
We had about 4 carafes to ourselves because I hijacked some under a sweater, then a classmate and I sweettalked a guy in the kitchen into giving us two more. I had only had a bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies and a can of diet coke to eat for the entire day. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Eric: What are we doing this afternoon?
Lindsey: We're watching a movie about retarded kids.
Tiffany (girl from my class who appears quite innocent): We're watching a movie about what it's like to be special ed in the classroom.
Lindsey: Yeah. What did I say?
The best part of the evening (and by evening I mean time span from 3:30 to 4:00 pm) was probably when I did an imitation of Judith (the crazy teacher we got to quit/got fired) and what she would be like if she was having sex with Eric. (all done very loudly and with a Bronx accent)
NO! THAT'S NOT THE CLITORIS! DAMNIT I'M FROM THE BRONX, BITCH.
JUST RUB IT! RUB IT HARDER! FUCK YOU! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB? ARE YOU RETARDED?
JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. LET ME DO IT MYSELF. JUST GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND MASTURBATE. JESUS.
I shouted this all during this very innocent reception. It was such a bad idea to give us wine. Bad idea. I think I'm going to lie to everyone and just say I was wandering around looking at things. When I got back to class I had 7 missed calls from people asking where I was.
Another good one:
Lindsey: How much wine do you think there is?
Millie (Girl who is hilarious because she is only 20 and spent a year in nun-school before deciding that she didn't want to be a nun. She has my sense of maturity and evilness. When people ask why she quit nun-school she says "Because I needed the cock.") Well I think there will be a lot, because they get enough for everyone... and some people don't drink.
Lindsey: Yeah, those people are dumb.
Millie: Sometimes religious people don't drink.
Lindsey: What?! Why not? It's the blood of Christ for God's sake.
Several people glare at us while Millie (ex-future-Nun) doubles over in laughter.
And I just realized I have NOTHING to wear tomorrow. I was going to do laundry today... but getting drunk at 3:30 isn't really conducive to that. Looks like it's "poufy skirt and sweatshirt" day... again...
Haha, my horoscope: How can you have a life if you spend all your time worrying about what might happen? Courage is just fear that has a sense of faith. Acknowledge all your worries and then resolve to move forward anyway. "I'm going to get really drunk because I haven't eaten anything today..." It freaks me out when horoscopes are so damn correct.
Okay... I just took half a tylenol pm so I'm off to bed. I hope that you had a fun night as well. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow, assuming I don't spend the whole day in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
They had this horrible boxed wine, and they ran out so most people just got a glass or two (if that). So people kept coming to our table to ask us if they could have some of ours. I was like the wine nazi.
Girl: "Can I have two glasses of your wine? It's for me and my friend."
Lindsey: "Well, you can have ONE glass. Which glass would you like me to fill?"
Girl: "Um... this one?"
Lindsey: "Fine."
We had about 4 carafes to ourselves because I hijacked some under a sweater, then a classmate and I sweettalked a guy in the kitchen into giving us two more. I had only had a bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies and a can of diet coke to eat for the entire day. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Eric: What are we doing this afternoon?
Lindsey: We're watching a movie about retarded kids.
Tiffany (girl from my class who appears quite innocent): We're watching a movie about what it's like to be special ed in the classroom.
Lindsey: Yeah. What did I say?
The best part of the evening (and by evening I mean time span from 3:30 to 4:00 pm) was probably when I did an imitation of Judith (the crazy teacher we got to quit/got fired) and what she would be like if she was having sex with Eric. (all done very loudly and with a Bronx accent)
NO! THAT'S NOT THE CLITORIS! DAMNIT I'M FROM THE BRONX, BITCH.
JUST RUB IT! RUB IT HARDER! FUCK YOU! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB? ARE YOU RETARDED?
JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. LET ME DO IT MYSELF. JUST GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND MASTURBATE. JESUS.
I shouted this all during this very innocent reception. It was such a bad idea to give us wine. Bad idea. I think I'm going to lie to everyone and just say I was wandering around looking at things. When I got back to class I had 7 missed calls from people asking where I was.
Another good one:
Lindsey: How much wine do you think there is?
Millie (Girl who is hilarious because she is only 20 and spent a year in nun-school before deciding that she didn't want to be a nun. She has my sense of maturity and evilness. When people ask why she quit nun-school she says "Because I needed the cock.") Well I think there will be a lot, because they get enough for everyone... and some people don't drink.
Lindsey: Yeah, those people are dumb.
Millie: Sometimes religious people don't drink.
Lindsey: What?! Why not? It's the blood of Christ for God's sake.
Several people glare at us while Millie (ex-future-Nun) doubles over in laughter.
And I just realized I have NOTHING to wear tomorrow. I was going to do laundry today... but getting drunk at 3:30 isn't really conducive to that. Looks like it's "poufy skirt and sweatshirt" day... again...
Haha, my horoscope: How can you have a life if you spend all your time worrying about what might happen? Courage is just fear that has a sense of faith. Acknowledge all your worries and then resolve to move forward anyway. "I'm going to get really drunk because I haven't eaten anything today..." It freaks me out when horoscopes are so damn correct.
Okay... I just took half a tylenol pm so I'm off to bed. I hope that you had a fun night as well. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow, assuming I don't spend the whole day in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Mmhmm
"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey
Saucy
I really like Mary Louise Parker. She's strong, funny, intelligent - why can't more women get it together?
I Miss Jenks
"Look at you, you hot bitch.
Fucking sexy New York slutty bitch.
I love it.
NYC looks good on you.
Just like sparkles."
Fucking sexy New York slutty bitch.
I love it.
NYC looks good on you.
Just like sparkles."
Sometimes Reagan was right.
"The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
Where was this from?
"I've always believed that you couldn't get pregnant if you didn't really know the person. That's wrong, isn't it?"
The Way We Were
"I'll take two hamburgers, two cheeseburgers, and four cokes.
Onion?
Yeah... in the cokes."
Onion?
Yeah... in the cokes."
I miss CFACT
"No no no, I have 5 words for you. Triumph the insult comic dog. Wait, 6 words. No, no, 5 words... yeah, five words."
Saved By the Bell
Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.
Slater: Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.
Casablanca
"Well Mademoiselle, Rick is the kind of man that, if I were a woman, and if I weren't around, I should be in love with Rick."
Both True
"I have a theory that every now and then a person should get what they want, when they want it. It keeps you optimistic."
--Six Feet Under
"When the Gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers."
--The West Wing
--Six Feet Under
"When the Gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers."
--The West Wing
The Office
Michael: My charity will be "Afghanistanis with AIDS"
Jim: Nope, I think you mean "The Aid to Afghanistan."
Michael: No, I mean "Afghanistanis with AIDS"
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: No, that's a dog.
Pam: That's Afghan.
Michael: No that's a shawl.
Dwight: Dogs with AIDS?
Michael: No, people with AIDS!
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, ... the Afghanistanannis.
Jim: Nope, I think you mean "The Aid to Afghanistan."
Michael: No, I mean "Afghanistanis with AIDS"
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: No, that's a dog.
Pam: That's Afghan.
Michael: No that's a shawl.
Dwight: Dogs with AIDS?
Michael: No, people with AIDS!
Creed: Who has AIDS?
Jim: Guys, ... the Afghanistanannis.
Checkmate? (link)
It bothers me that I do not know how to play chess. I've decided to learn today. I found this website, and I'm working my way through it slowly.
This may be slightly related to the fact that I have lots to do and am putting it off. Well, you know what they say... "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."
Is that relevant here? Whatever.
This may be slightly related to the fact that I have lots to do and am putting it off. Well, you know what they say... "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."
Is that relevant here? Whatever.
Classic
"I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel."
--Sex and the City
--Sex and the City
True?
"The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid being alive today."
--Six Feet Under
--Six Feet Under
Ahh, Romeo
Guy: "You remind me of my friend. She's kind of sarcastic and really witty."
Lindsey: "Oh, thanks."
Guy: "And she's kind of a slut."
Lindsey: "Oh, thanks."
Guy: "And she's kind of a slut."
Music From Another Room
"Oh to hell with you, my fine fool death.
I will not go weakly like an obedient child or a quivering bride, no.
He'll have to mount me like an intractable whore. And drag me kicking and screaming, the miserable son of a bitch!"
I am going to memorize these words, and they shall be the last ones I say. Then, when you speak of me you can say that "she was witty yet unoriginal, may she rest in peace."
I will not go weakly like an obedient child or a quivering bride, no.
He'll have to mount me like an intractable whore. And drag me kicking and screaming, the miserable son of a bitch!"
I am going to memorize these words, and they shall be the last ones I say. Then, when you speak of me you can say that "she was witty yet unoriginal, may she rest in peace."
Make This
Cranberry Slush
12 oz can frozen lemonade
12 oz can frozen limeade
1 1/2 quarts cranberry juice
2 cup h2o
2 cup vodka
Mix, Freeze, Serve with 7up.
I like to increase the vodka and decrease the water, but that's just me.
12 oz can frozen lemonade
12 oz can frozen limeade
1 1/2 quarts cranberry juice
2 cup h2o
2 cup vodka
Mix, Freeze, Serve with 7up.
I like to increase the vodka and decrease the water, but that's just me.
Write it down, kids.
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To snort a little coke
Jack felt horny, so did Jill
But unfortunately Jack can't
maintain an erection
no mater how turned on he is.
There's no fairytale ending with cocaine.
--I didn't write this, but I forgot where I found it.
To snort a little coke
Jack felt horny, so did Jill
But unfortunately Jack can't
maintain an erection
no mater how turned on he is.
There's no fairytale ending with cocaine.
--I didn't write this, but I forgot where I found it.
Doogtunes
"Ninjas watching The Matrix is like watching a retarded bear in the circus. It's painful and it's annoying, but it's just frustrating, because you wish there was something you could do. You don't really want to watch it, nobody really wants to see that. You know, they're on their little bike, and you're just like, take them away from all of this. You know, I put in an order form to kill everybody associated with The Matrix. Hopefully that'll come down the pike someday soon."
So True
Where are her values? Her principles?!
You know how it is when you want cock, they're the first things to go.
--Sex and the City
You know how it is when you want cock, they're the first things to go.
--Sex and the City
Weeds
"What to do if you meet a mountain lion:
Give the mountain lion some room.
Don't make eye contact.
Talk to the lion softly."
Are you sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?
Give the mountain lion some room.
Don't make eye contact.
Talk to the lion softly."
Are you sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?
Dr. Katz
"Women think they know, which always astonishes me. Women will always say "We look at guys sexually too." Women have no idea. They have no clue whatsoever. It's like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If women had any idea, if even for a second, of how we really looked at them, they would never stop slapping us."
Cute
According to my mom, my relatives were discussing whether or not I'd make it in New York (thanks guys).
They decided that yes, I would make it... probably. This is their evidence:
1. When I was 4, I was visiting my aunt and uncle. Another 4-year-old girl was with us and we were in the back seat. Out of the blue, I turned to her and asked her who she was voting for in the "upcoming presidential election." She had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, but I continued. "I've thought long and hard about it, and I think I'm going to vote for George Bush. It's the best decision, and I think you should vote for him too." According to my uncle, the girl just dropped her jaw and looked at me.
2. When I was 5, my entire extended family was at a very fancy restaurant having dinner. When the waitress came by and asked me what I would like to drink (she thought it was so cute that I could order for myself), I responded with "You know, I think I'll have a beer." She was thoroughly disturbed.
Notice that neither of these have anything to do with teaching, but somehow they demonstrate that I will succeed. Since the outcome is favorable, I'll take it.
They decided that yes, I would make it... probably. This is their evidence:
1. When I was 4, I was visiting my aunt and uncle. Another 4-year-old girl was with us and we were in the back seat. Out of the blue, I turned to her and asked her who she was voting for in the "upcoming presidential election." She had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, but I continued. "I've thought long and hard about it, and I think I'm going to vote for George Bush. It's the best decision, and I think you should vote for him too." According to my uncle, the girl just dropped her jaw and looked at me.
2. When I was 5, my entire extended family was at a very fancy restaurant having dinner. When the waitress came by and asked me what I would like to drink (she thought it was so cute that I could order for myself), I responded with "You know, I think I'll have a beer." She was thoroughly disturbed.
Notice that neither of these have anything to do with teaching, but somehow they demonstrate that I will succeed. Since the outcome is favorable, I'll take it.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Religion
Religion is a tricky subject. My class was talking about how to address the "intelligent design" issue during our unit on evolution. I couldn't even participate in the discussion because I was so confused. How to address it? How do we address the tooth fairy and her role in the ecosystem? Where do we place unicorns on the evolutionary spectrum? We don't! It's make-believe! We teach science, which is real. Bah.
However, if I did have a relgion, it would be based on The Price is Right.
Lessons:
1. Even if you're lucky enough to make it on stage, you could still walk away with nothing.
2. Chance is crucial, but you increase your chances by wearing a homemade t-shirt with a message about Bob [God] on it.
3. Life is precious, but too much life is bad. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
4. Even if you try to beat the system by studying prices, you'll probably just get "Plinko" anyways, so don't even try to figure it all out.
5. If you bid $700, the bitch next to you will inevitably bid $701 and win.
6. Old people and college students know it all. The rest of us are out working when we should be having fun.
7. Sometimes the right person gets what they deserve. The cutest old woman won over $45,000 in prizes today - including 2 cars.
8. You can listen to your friends and family. But remember -- in the end, you're all alone on that stage.
However, if I did have a relgion, it would be based on The Price is Right.
Lessons:
1. Even if you're lucky enough to make it on stage, you could still walk away with nothing.
2. Chance is crucial, but you increase your chances by wearing a homemade t-shirt with a message about Bob [God] on it.
3. Life is precious, but too much life is bad. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
4. Even if you try to beat the system by studying prices, you'll probably just get "Plinko" anyways, so don't even try to figure it all out.
5. If you bid $700, the bitch next to you will inevitably bid $701 and win.
6. Old people and college students know it all. The rest of us are out working when we should be having fun.
7. Sometimes the right person gets what they deserve. The cutest old woman won over $45,000 in prizes today - including 2 cars.
8. You can listen to your friends and family. But remember -- in the end, you're all alone on that stage.
Oh, how accurate.
Emily wrote a poem about me in class the other day:
Loves to Drink
Icky (I had a hard time with this)
Not paying attention
Dead in my drawing
Subway(tm) lover (the sandwich place)
East side resident
Younger than me, so hah!
Loves to Drink
Icky (I had a hard time with this)
Not paying attention
Dead in my drawing
Subway(tm) lover (the sandwich place)
East side resident
Younger than me, so hah!
FAQs
1. How'd that poster-thing go?
My teaching observation went really well. The kids were rowdy, and my advisor told me to be a bit gentler with them (apparently my teaching style is a bit nazi-esque). They liked the posters.
2. Damn, aren't you a teacher yet?!
I only have two more weeks of training. I am supposed to be in some sort of seminar today, but... I decided I need a day off.
3. When are you coming back to Wisconsin?
I will be in Wisconsin from August 5-9, assuming my ticket isn't screwed up by the stupidest woman in the world (who works for United Airlines, fyi). It'll be a bit of a time-crunch, but if you want to hang out, let me know.
4. Are you still single?
Yes, although I may be dating this guy. Either I'm not, and we're just hanging out, or we're coming up on our 1-month anniversary. It's a toss-up, really.
5. So you're not a lesbian?
No.
6. What about that gay prom? And didn't you come out in high school?
We've been over this already!! If I was gay, I'd be gay, but I'm not. But I still think everyone is born bisexual.
7. When is Kristin visiting again?
August 15th. For a week.
8. You don't seem very excited about her coming. Is that because you hate her?
Yes. Wait. No. It's because the teaching fellows have sucked all excitement out of me. I'm actually very excited for her to come. I started making a list of things for us to do, but it's much more realistic than the last list.
-- Taco Taco, a great Mexican restaurant 10 feet from me with hot Mexican waiters
-- Pinocchio's, a great Italian restaurant 15 feet from me with [hopefully] hot Italian waiters
-- MOMA - probably won't happen, but it could be entertaining
-- Lots of Trevor-watching and general hanging out on my patio/roof
-- Drinking. Much drinking.
9. Do you have mice in your apartment?
Yes.
10. Are we still friends?
No. Unless you email me, then yes.
My teaching observation went really well. The kids were rowdy, and my advisor told me to be a bit gentler with them (apparently my teaching style is a bit nazi-esque). They liked the posters.
2. Damn, aren't you a teacher yet?!
I only have two more weeks of training. I am supposed to be in some sort of seminar today, but... I decided I need a day off.
3. When are you coming back to Wisconsin?
I will be in Wisconsin from August 5-9, assuming my ticket isn't screwed up by the stupidest woman in the world (who works for United Airlines, fyi). It'll be a bit of a time-crunch, but if you want to hang out, let me know.
4. Are you still single?
Yes, although I may be dating this guy. Either I'm not, and we're just hanging out, or we're coming up on our 1-month anniversary. It's a toss-up, really.
5. So you're not a lesbian?
No.
6. What about that gay prom? And didn't you come out in high school?
We've been over this already!! If I was gay, I'd be gay, but I'm not. But I still think everyone is born bisexual.
7. When is Kristin visiting again?
August 15th. For a week.
8. You don't seem very excited about her coming. Is that because you hate her?
Yes. Wait. No. It's because the teaching fellows have sucked all excitement out of me. I'm actually very excited for her to come. I started making a list of things for us to do, but it's much more realistic than the last list.
-- Taco Taco, a great Mexican restaurant 10 feet from me with hot Mexican waiters
-- Pinocchio's, a great Italian restaurant 15 feet from me with [hopefully] hot Italian waiters
-- MOMA - probably won't happen, but it could be entertaining
-- Lots of Trevor-watching and general hanging out on my patio/roof
-- Drinking. Much drinking.
9. Do you have mice in your apartment?
Yes.
10. Are we still friends?
No. Unless you email me, then yes.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Monday, July 03, 2006
Camping
Well it's the 4th of July weekend, and I'm camping!
Oh wait, I'm not camping. I just don't have hot water. Or food. Or air-conditioning.
I'm going to sit on my patio and pretend that there's a lake. And then I'll pretend to go swimming and maybe make some microwave smores.
Can I use your shower?
Oh wait, I'm not camping. I just don't have hot water. Or food. Or air-conditioning.
I'm going to sit on my patio and pretend that there's a lake. And then I'll pretend to go swimming and maybe make some microwave smores.
Can I use your shower?
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