I do love this song....

Words to Live By

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. --Brendan Gill

I have 27 teeth.

And it took me 4 times to count them. I'm still not even sure I got it right.

Meet Kinney

He's a little angry about the bumpy ride home, but he's exploring his bowl and seems to be warming up to me. What's most important is that he's alive. And doesn't look suicidal.

Hilarious (link)

I love Sarah Silverman.

Holidays

I like holidays more than the average person. It's a holdover from going to Fleet Farm as a kid and seeing those huge holiday displays. (Although that excitement almost died when I worked at Fleet Farm and had to put up said displays. Damn you, bright orange polo shirts.)

Here are my favorite holidays, in order of favoritism:

1. Christmas!

It was almost tied with Halloween, but Christmas has more things to look forward to than Halloween. Everyone has their own marker of the start of Christmas season, but mine is infallible: Starbucks' red cups. I looove the holiday red cups. I will go out of my way to get Starbucks just so I can carry the bright red cups. Mmm. I also enjoy the music (I have the "Now that's what I call Christmas" 2 disc set. It's fantastic.) I also like cards and presents and snow and TV specials and days off of work and candles and lights. Phew. Oh yeah, and Jesus. (That's Christmas, right?) I do NOT love the Salvation Army bell players because they do not allow gay people to ring their bells. Who would be better at standing outside, wearing bright red, looking fabulous, and ringing a little bell? The gays! Salvation Army, I will donate the $0.32 intended for you to PFLAG. Where's my checkbook?


2. Halloween.

By far the best part of Halloween is the Halloween Movie Weekend. Nearly every channel has some delightfully horrible Halloween special. My favorite are the Hitchcock marathons. I also like handing out candy, but only in my hometown where I'm pretty sure I won't be stabbed by a trick-or-treater.


3. My Conception Day

The day I was conceived. It's in February. And it's cool.


4. My Birthday

In November. Scorpio, baby.


5. Thanksgiving

I like the fruit salad. And mashed potatoes. And Diet Coke.


6. Arbor Day

It's under-appreciated.

R.I.P. Kris Meloni

October 6, 2007 - October 21, 2007

Kris was found dead at approximately 9 a.m. on Sunday, October 21. Kris appears to have committed suicide but the investigation is still pending.

So much for being a matchmaker...

"Breeding bettas is NOT a project for most keepers and requires much study and preparation before attempting. The mating process is complicated, and frequently violent for both male and female."

Sorry Kris.

Kris is horny. (link)

I have a new pet.

His name is Kris Meloni.

Named after Chris Meloni, and Kristin.

Your therapy

Some people talk to a therapist and use psychology to solve their problems
Some people talk to a priest and use religion to solve their problems.

And I talk to my friends and use Sex and the City/Queer as Folk to solve my problems.

I think I have found the most effective strategy.

Such a Good Quote

Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with.

--Queer as Folk

My Perfect Day

Thank you, Columbus, for giving me today off from work. This inspired me to determine my mundane yet perfect day...

9:00 AM: Wake up, fully rested
9:02 AM: Starbucks - get coffee, donut, and New York Times
9:05 AM: Return home, drink coffee, eat donut, read New York Times
10:00 AM: Shower
10:30 AM: Go to park (it would be a nice 55 degrees out)
10:45 AM: Read in park
12:00 PM: Get turkey sandwich from deli, eat
1:00 PM: Nap
2:30 PM: Gym
3:30 PM: Do some work
6:00 PM: Meet friends for something
9:00 PM: Watch some TV, go to bed.

I could do this every day, forever.

Changes

When I was a little kid I'd wake up early on Saturday mornings and watch cartoons.

I still do that.

But, there are some key differences that show I am an adult now.

1. I drink coffee during the cartoons.
2. I usually don't eat cereal for breakfast because I probably forgot to buy milk. Or cereal. Or a bowl.
3. Instead of procrastinating doing homework, now I procrastinate grading homework. And also doing homework (but for grad school instead of grade school)*.
4. My living room is considerably messier now that I don't have my mom to clean it.
5. Instead of jumping out of bed and running to the TV, I now just kind of stumble there.
6. I'm taller. Slightly.

So as you can see, I've come a long way in the past 20 years.



*I wrote this very early in the morning. Please do not judge me by the bad puns made here.

On Amazon.com...

Science lesson of the day, kids.

You know what's depressing?

When you watch a show about some screwed up person, like Intervention or Dr. Phil - they show you how messed up they are and how they're untolerable and abuse everyone around them. Then they show their boyfriend (or girlfriend). How do these people have normal relationships?? This person is a thief and a crack addict and they're in a happy committed relationship! It's unfair.

What not to wear

I love this show. I especially like it when the hosts openly insult the people to their face.

Someone nominate me! (And Kristin)

Great questions

Michael: "Now, miss, we're all adults here so can I ask you a question?"
Me: "Um,..."
Michael?: "Okay, so one of my friends told me that if somebody cums on your face, it'll cure your acne. Is that true?"
Me: "Well, Michael.... I'm not sure which one of your friends told you this or what circumstances it was under, but I'm afraid you were lied to."
Michael: "Oh."
Me: "And you probably shouldn't hang out with that person anymore."


I think it shows great retstraint that I did not use my original response "Well, what do you think Proactiv is made of?"

I'm alive, FYI.

Here's my schedule. Feel sorry for me.

Wake up everyday at 4:55 a.m. Leave the house around 6:00. Work until 3:30. Class until 9:00. Get home at 10:15. Sleep.

Hence the lack of blog posts.

Today is Saturday, I woke up at 6:18 a.m. (My alarm was set for 6:20), and now I'm doing grading.

If anyone EVER says "Wow, must be nice to be a teacher and have summers off..." they should then fear for their own lives.

Sigh.

It is 3:30 AM, I am eating frosted mini-wheats, watching Supernanny and crying.

I'm going to miss vacation.

Movie Review: The Pick-Up Artist

Robert Downey Jr., Molly Ringwald, and New York City circa mid-1980's... what's not to love?

I recommend this movie because it's a cheesy romance that takes place in the New York City I wish I lived in. Robert Downey Jr. lives in an apartment on the UWS, Molly Ringwald works in the Museum of Natural History and lives on Coney Island, and they even drive INSIDE of Central Park. I love it.

Rent it, buy it, and give it a 10 on IMDB. (Right now it's a 4.5 - even Evolution got a 5.3... come on people.)

I cannot wait until it snows.

This still scares me...

Speaking of The "Real" World...

The Real World used to be amazing. I still think that its first season in 1992 is what made me want to move to NY. I was nine years old and the idea of a bunch of 20-somethings living together in NYC seemed like a dream come true. Now I would hate it, but I still like to watch. And this season is in Australia. I love Australia. And koala bears. Let me give you an update of what's happened so far this season:

There are 4 girls and 3 guys in the house. These are the people on the show:

*The blonde with the boyfriend.
"All of my girlfriends at home are stereotypically exactly like me." "This is a promise ring my parents gave me when I was 12 so I wouldn't have sex... I haven't really been following that..." [ps I never got a ring from my parents. I got a book. "Where Did I Come From?" There were cartoons of naked old people. Thanks Mom and Dad. Thanks.}

*The peppy brunette "fun" girl.
I have more respect for this girl than for the rest. Yes, she's slutty like the rest of them, but she's unapologetic. And she makes out with a guy and then goes shopping. The other girls seem to make out with guys, and then cry, and get drunk. And cry more.

*The non-quite-white girl.
I don't really care if The Real World is all white, but apparently many people do, so they have this girl who's just non-white enough to count. She pretends to be very mature, but isn't. She also got passed out drunk after a couple drinks.

*The other blonde girl.
I honestly thought there was only one blonde girl who just happened to be in most of the shots. So, I'm going to say that she's similar to blonde girl #1.

*Dunbar
He's a player, stereotypically hot, has a girlfriend at home. "I'm more proud to be Southern than I am to be American." "People's first impression of me, it's 50/50, it's either they absolutely hate me and then I have to spend the rest of our relationship getting them back to liking me or they absolutely love me and then I fuck up repeatedly. So I hope I can strike a balance with this experience." That's deep, Dunbar. Deep. PS Who the hell is named Dunbar?

*Cohutta
Cohutta (again, where did these names come from?) is from some very southern state and is utterly confused by how girls can be so pretty and yet so dumb and slutty at the same time. Oh, Cohutta. I like Cohutta. I kind of like his weird name too. Cohutta.

*Isaac
I liked Isaac immediately when he told blonde girl (I don't know which one) that he was going to vomit on her... about 3 minutes after meeting her. He also hooked up with one of the blonde girls and then regretted it. All in the first two episodes. It's okay, Isaac. If you throw up on them, I'll forgive you.


Before we question why I cannot remember any of the girls' names, but know all the guys', (actually, lets just avoid that altogether), let me reminisce about what the show used to be. It used to be normal people (actually normal, not just reality TV whore normal) and they would showcase the city they were staying in. Now it’s all about the drama. Sigh. Oh well, trashy show… I’ll still watch you. Until I start work again, and then you’ll be dead to me.

Anyone up for a trip to Australia?

I watch the Real World Australia to get quotes like this:

He's gonna give her the thunder from down undah. Mmm.

I haven't typed because I've been watching this.

Over and over again.

Apologies

I have not updated in a very long time. Kristin visted, and we were too busy doing fun NY things (like watching tv and playing board games).

Stories to come.

The Girls Next Door

I am a little bit obsessed with this show. It is yet another reality TV show, but so much better. Hugh Hefner - if you don't know who Hugh Hefner is, I'm not going to tell you - has 3 girlfriends. Oddly enough, it's 3 separate girlfriends, not some Mormon-esque love fest. They all live with him in the Playboy Mansion. This may be a dream of mine. Not to be Hefner's girlfriend, just to live in that house. Maybe I could get a job making coffee there or something.

I do like the girlfriends too. I think we could hang out and talk about boob jobs or blondes vs. brunettes or something... My favorite is Bridget. She's a little bit older than the other girlfriends (33), but you wouldn't guess it. She also has a master's degree in communications.

Holly is the main girlfriend and Kendra is the young one. I think if I moved in I would be "the brunette" or "the NY girl" or "that one with the ridiculously small boobs (comparatively)".

Annoy your roommate

Not that I would do any of these things, but just in case, don't tell Adam (my roommate). We'll ignore the fact that he reads this blog...

1. Buy a wardrobe. Sit in it and wait. When your roommate gets home, jump out of the wardrobe and tell your roommate you've been to Narnia. Tell him this until he agrees to go into the wardrobe to prove that there is a Narnia. Lock the wardrobe. Go on vacation.

2. Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.

3. Become your own twin sister and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.

4. Call your friend "Kristin" and talk to her on the phone while you watch the same tv show. If your roommate joins you, continue talking to Kristin as if she was there. Talk about your roommate as if he was not there. Tell Kristin every few minutes that you're glad your roommate can't hear you. If he talks to you, start crying and shouting "Can't you see I'm on the phone?!"

5. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"

6. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

7. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

8. Get a bunkbed. Sleep face down under your mattress on the bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.


Most of these were taken from www.roommatetricks.com.

Shark Sex Fact of the Day

"During mating, male sharks commonly bite females repeatedly in an attempt to grasp them for copulation. In a liquid environment, and without the facility of appendages that can grasp or clutch, the shark’s teeth are the next best thing. Sharks do not hesitate to make use of their copious and sharp supply for this purpose. For this reason, female sharks may have skin up to three times the thickness of the skin in males of the same species."

--Dr. Marcelo Carvalho

Yikes. Kind of puts a whole new spin on "Jaws".

This person is genius.

Soon to come: My ode to Frog and Ladybug, a la Brokeback Mountain. Two boys, living so close, but not nearly close enough...


Wah Wah Wah Waaaah Waaaaaah Wah wah. (That's the Brokeback Mountain Theme Song.)

My next birthday party... (link)

And this, ladies, is where you find a husband.


I especially like under "Warnings" where it says not to "daisy chain"...


If you don't know what a daisy chain is, look it up. Or ask a non-angry gay male friend.

It is not possible for you to be any nerdier... (link)

Unless you wrote a blog about organizing your comic collection with excel. Then, maybe.

Best Saturday Movies

You know the type... they're on TBS about 3 times a month, they show them on Saturday afternoons, and they're just perfect to sit down and watch with some popcorn.

The criteria:

1. Must be feel-good. You should leave the movie feeling, well, good.

2. Should be family oriented. It's Saturday, family day. What better than spending time with someone else's fictional family?

3. Prefereably they have Steve Martin. There's no rationale for Steve Martin, he just makes me feel safe. (Let's not delve too deeply into this one...)

4. They should be relatively simple to follow. If there are crazy plot twists, you have to think to much. It's Saturday. Don't do that.


My list:
1. Father of the Bride
2. Father of the Bride 2

I swear I had way more when I started this post...

For the Teachers

Next Season on Survivor

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 - 32 students.

Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three students will be labeled with severe behavior problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor the hallways.

In addition, they will complete fire drills, tornado drills, and [Code Red] drills for shooting attacks each month.

They must attend workshops, faculty meetings, and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and PSSA tests. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to cooperate, work, or learn, the teacher will be held responsible.

The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. The business people will be permitted to use a student restroom, as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.

If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after, school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.

The winner of this Season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job.


Pass this to your friends who think teaching is easy.

(I did not write this, I'm not that lame, but it is true.)

Random Thought of the Day

I might be speculating here, but it must be extremely difficult for stoned people to use chopsticks.

Unless of course they're Asian.

Then it would be difficult to use a fork.

I hope this isn't offensive.

Dear Diary,

I was at my parents' house this weekend and found my childhood diaries (at least the ones I didn't throw away), and let me tell you - it is a wonder that I was not in therapy as a child. Maybe that wasn't as big of a thing in the 80's, but they probably should have made an exception for me.

Most of my entries had three themes: Food, Gifts, and Boys. Here's a representative example:

February 14, 1992
Dear Diary,
Today was Valentine's Day. I got lots of presents. I got a card that sings - it's sooo cool! I also got a shirt, and a bear, and a pen, and some stickers, and some socks, and a troll, and a video. Then we ate macaroni and cheese and hot dogs and had cake and juice for dessert. I ate some candy too. And ice cream. I love Jeff*, he's sooo cute. I just want to see him naked and kiss him. I hope Jenny* doesn't talk to him and flirt with him like a bitch again. I hate Jenny.


*Names changed to protect the innocent.

Horoscopes

I love them. I'm a scorpio, which is of course the best sign. I read my horoscope almost every day, and I'll even change my plans because of them. However, usually mine says something like "Today will include things of different kinds. Some will be good, but others will be bad." Then I read it again at the end of the day and think "Yes! There were things! Good things AND bad! I'm going to an astrologer!"

But today (Tuesday), mine is: Wonderful news is coming -- you'll be forgiven for getting caught up in the moment!

Hmm.... I'm waiting.

What happened, Lindsay? (link)

When is this trashy celebrity phase going to end? And how will it end? Personally I think someone will die, or overdose themselves into a coma.

I'm not going to lie, though. I kind of like to read about it. Here are people who are richer, prettier, and definitely more famous than me, yet they can't even get their lives together. It makes me feel a little better about my late credit card payments and reality TV habits.

Officer Orayduh (link)

Usually I push for public tasering, but making a citizen's arrest might do. There are just a few things that people should be reprimanded for doing. Here's my list:

1. Whistling. I know it's not really illegal, but it should be. I hate it. If I was president (or dictator, whatever), I would make whistling the number one offense. Punishable by being forced to listen to a high pitched whistle-like squeal for the rest of your life.

2. Littering. It's New York City, there is a garbage can on every damn corner. Do you not connect the gross garbage on the street with your laziness?

3. Not being able to walk. I don't mean the disabled, I mean the people who go to Times Square on a Friday afternoon and walk five across holding hands. If you're not from NYC, let me explain. The sidewalk is usually busier and more important than the street. If one group of people decides to take the whole sidewalk up, walk slowly, stop randomly, etc. it screws everything up.

4. Guys who seem super-interested, take your number, and then don't call. Come on now.

5. People who cut in line.

6. Guys who hit on women by shouting "oooh Mamacita!!" or just make smooching noises. Or guys who jingle their keys and expect women to just trot right over.

7. People who pull forward at the intersection so they block the entire crosswalk.

8. People who say "You know, I'd vote for George W. again..." Wait, this isn't a political blog. Nevermind.

The Bomb Shelter

I miss conversations. I don't mean conversations like "Hi, how are you?" "Good, you?"... I have those. I mean the type of deep conversations you can really only have when you're drunk. Or in high school. Now all the kids do is drugs and sex... but since I wasn't that popular in high school, I came to love a good convo.

In the interest of revitalizing this old tradition, I have a question that you should ask your friends:

It's the year 2008. We are once again at war - it's not important who we're at war with, but I like to make countries up, just to see if my friends are as smart as I hope they are. Try using Boobonia. If they ask where it is, just tell them it's in Latin America. If they still question it, just say it formed at the end of the Cold War.

Back to the question. So, we're at war. And the US is about to be bombed by Boobonians. You are responsible for saving 10 people in a bomb shelter. These 10 people will be responsible for re-creating society after the dust has cleared. Now, let the games begin. (Note: You can also pretend that you and your friends will be in the shelter and will be saved, but that turns the conversation into one about who we'd want to have sex with for the rest of eternity instead of what the necessary components of a society are. Whatever, both are fun.)

I got this idea from a teacher activity where you were given a list of people. Inevitably each person had at least one good quality and one bad quality. For example, Jimmy was only 8, but he had some minor health problems. Betty was a mother of 7, but she was on welfare. Or Bob, who was a neurosurgeon, genius, and dabbled in construction but was gay (oh my god!). Anyways, you had to narrow it down and decide who would live and who would die.

Here's my list:

1. Me. Duh, we'll need blogs in the future, and what if the world floods with Diet Coke? You'd need me.

2. Kristin. (I'll choose to ignore the fact that anyone stuck in a world with Kristin AND me would soon kill themselves. Oh well, more post-nuclear-holocaust Diet Coke for us.)

3. Steve Jobs. I love Macs, and I think he'd jump at the chance to live in a world where he didn't have to accommodate PCs.

4. Kathy Griffin. She's funny enough to keep us laughing in the face of mass death, and something tells me she'd be useful with a hammer.

5. John Krasinski - aka Jim, from The Office. Umm.... I want Jim - I mean John - because he's smart... and um, he's... intelligent... I'm afraid we won't have any room for his clothes though... shame...

6. Jon Stewart - Let's face it, this list isn't exactly THE most intelligent people in the world, and we need someone who knows what to do. Also, Jon is short, so I feel that I could take him in one-on-one combat. And he's not bad looking...

7. Howard Schulz. He created Starbucks. Mmm... frappuccino...

8. Pauly Shore. Son in Law. Bio-Dome. Jury Duty. In the Army Now. What more could you ask for?

9. Al Gore. Al can recreate the Internet. We'll let him run for president against Jon (or John), and then laugh as he loses with only one vote. Also if we run out of food, we'll have someone to eat. Other than me.

10. Paris Hilton. There's always at least one outcast that everyone makes fun of. Since I don't want it to be me, I thought I'd put Paris in. We need to have someone Kathy, Kristin, and I can make catty remarks about.


This list would also make for an excellent reality tv show. Any television networks reading this should feel free to contact me with offers.

You haven't lived until you've seen this...

You cannot be serious...

How could you let your child do this?!

Things that kind of embarrass me

I drink roughly 8 cans of Diet Coke a day; I once asked what the French word for fiance was (in French class); I can recite almost every word from the first episode of Dawson's Creek from memory (along with every lyric of MmmBop by Hanson); and most recently my addiction to Big Brother 8. I was one of the few fans of Big Brother 1. There was a crazy girl from Minnesota who dyed her hair green, some nice old guy, and a whole lot of boredom. Anyways, back to this season.... it has everything trashy you'd want in a reality tv show.

1. A bunch of strangers living together in a made-specifically-for-this-show house.
2. Several of the contestants have people from their past in the house. Of course their relationship ended on horrible terms (one of the guys gave his boyfriend gonorrhea).
3. They have to compete for food. In earlier seasons, the losers would be on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the week. Now the losers get "slop" - which apparently tastes like a mixture of death and santorum.
4. And what would a good trashy show be without some option to call in and vote. The audience can vote each episode to make one of the characters do what they wish. He's called "America's player", and all of his decisions are determined by "America's vote".
5. There's even a cam in the bathroom.

I love it. For those of you in the know, my favorite player is Zack... I am strangely attracted to him. My least favorite is Jen, of course, but I also dislike the bimbo-y little blonde one whose friend went home the first week.

Sigh. Don't judge me.

In honor of our namesake...

One of the funniest things I've ever seen.

After you've listened to Mika, watch this. I love these guys. Are they 18?

The one in the silver shorts apparently thinks that jostling his penis is a dance move. I had no idea that all those guys on the subway were just dancing...

New Favorite Band (link)

Mika - It's happy music, good to dance to. I don't normally endorse singers (because most of what I listen to was made before 1995), but he's good.

Download Love Today, then Lollipop, then Happy Ending. Or just go buy the CD like a caveman. Then email me, and tell me that you loved it.

5 Hour Energy (link)

In a rare moment, I was watching live tv (The Daily Show) with my roommate. Since it was live, we were stuck with the commercials. On came a commercial about "5 Hour Energy", a fabulous new energy supplement much better than those canned energy drinks. The commercial was so corny, I decided to check out the website. The frequently asked questions include:

* What's in 5-Hour Energy?
* Is 5-Hour Energy safe for children?
* What flavors does 5-Hour Energy come in?

And, of course, the question I always have...

* My skin is hot and itchy. What's happening to me?

If you're wondering where to buy this fantastic product, don't bother. I bought them out. Now I'm going to go itch my skin.

Things TiVo* has taught me.

1. I love Kathy Griffin. I thought she was kind of annoying and not that funny, but I've started watching her show, and let me tell you - she's me, except instead of trying not to suck at comedy, I try not to suck at teaching. And let's be honest, teaching and comedy are very similar, almost the same.

"My parents have horrible dating advice, because it's from World War II. You know, it's just stuff you can't use like 'as long as a man buys you a nice pair of stockings.' I was like, Mom, you can just go to a store a get stockings now."

I cannot tell you how many times I tried to make a joke in front of 30 15-year-olds and totally bombed. Then I threatened their grade if they didn't laugh. Then they laughed. And cried. But most importantly they laughed.

"I wish they would have peppered the room with more gays. Because straight people will just let you down every time. And they don't know how to laugh at a good pussy joke." So true, Kathy.


2. People who watch trashy reality TV are morons who are not worthy of my time. Of course, "trashy reality TV" can only be defined as "shows I don't watch". I do love to watch wifeswap with Kristin, or supernanny, or even Big Brother 8. I remember watching the original Big Brother seven years ago. When I'm watching it now sometimes I think, "wow, look at me. I used to be watching this show in my parents basement, drinking diet coke. Now I'm watching it in New York City, drinking diet coke I had to pay for myself. Damnit!!"


3. Dawson's Creek was NOT as good as I remember it. But it is just as addictive. I love you Dawson! But knowing that Jen dies at the end makes it harder to hate her. I also realized that I hated her because I wanted to be her - I wanted to be a slut from NY. Wait...


4. I want to be Samantha Brown's new best friend so I can travel with her on Passport to Europe. Better yet, she can quit her job and Kristin and I can take over. Passport to Europe with Linstin. We ca have little segments, like the best drink of the area. Or the best men in the area. Or the best places to pass out in public and not get urinated on.


5. I thought my TV watching habits were fairly sophisticated. But now that I record everything, it's all nicely listed in one area. Here's a rundown: Big Brother 8, Passport to Europe, The Big Gay Sketch Show, Father of the Bride 1 and 2, Degrassi, The Naked Chef (I don't actually cook, I just watch him. He's hot.), Dawson's Creek, The Price is Right, Cash Cab (I love you Ben Bailey!), The Simpsons, and Jaws (research for my Sharks and Rays class). I guess I'm not all that sophisticated. Shocker!


6. I mostly watch the show Intervention because I feel that what they're doing is important. These people are real humans who made bad choices in their life. But mostly I watch Intervention to feel better about my life. "Yeah, I haven't been to the gym in a month, I'm single, and I drink a lot, but at least I'm not smoking heroin in my parent's garage!"


7. Commercials are even more annoying than before TiVo*. I love to skip them. Except, of course, the commercials that are about me.

Girl goes to refrigerator. Dog enters room. Dog: "Hey Lindsey? I wish you didn't smoke weed**. You're not the same when you smoke, and I miss my friend. I'll be outside." Best commercial ever.


8. Dr. Phil is mean. I like it. I like when people cry on the show.


9. Game shows like Cash Cab, the World Series of Pop Culture, Jeopardy, etc. are much easier when you can pause the show, look up the answer on the Internet, then restarted the show and shout the answer out.



* Not actually TiVo, but the Time Warner version of DVR.
** I do not smoke pot. I don't even know what pot is.

Oh man I forgot...

I'll be honest. I kind of forgot that I have a blog. Teaching makes you lose your mind that way.

But, I remembered, so here I am.

Updates:

*Teaching is almost over!
*I'm only taking 1 or 2 classes this summer, and they're online. I can sleep until 4 pm and drink diet coke all day. Yes!
*Kristin is coming! At least, I think she is. Then we can sleep until 4 and drink diet coke together.
*I started Weight Watchers with a friend from work. So far I've lost 5.6 pounds. Woo. My fridge is filled with little baggies of fruit and vegetable. In my cupboard are pre-portioned servings of granola. FYI a serving of granola is something like half a teaspoon.
*I moved to Brooklyn and all is well. My roommate and I get along and the commute isn't all that bad.

Public Service Announcement

The ultimate determinant in the struggle now going on for the world will not be bombs and rockets but a test of wills and ideas-a trial of spiritual resolve: the values we hold, the beliefs we cherish and the ideals to which we are dedicated.
--Another Reagan Quote


What are your values and beliefs? Don't say "republican" or "democrat", but what are YOUR beliefs, and where did they come from? In less than 20 months you'll have to stand up for your beliefs in the voting booth. Please, for our future - vote for your beliefs, not for your political party. Vote for the best interests of All Americans, not for your own.


P.S. If you are not going to vote, do not tell me unless you are 100% comfortable with our friendship ending. (It doesn't matter which candidate you vote for in my eyes, as long as you put thought into it and can stand behind your decision.)

Read more!

If you haven't read this week's Time Magazine, stop and pick one up. There's an article titled "Where the Right Went Wrong". It looks at the dismal place the Republicans are currently in, and what Reagan would do and say. For his many faults (and he had quite a few), I believe that Reagan was our best president thusfar. Look at what he did for the Republican party alone - they were able to coast on his ideas for over 20 years. And now, when things have gone to hell, they want him back even though he hasn't been in a political office for over 18 years.


Let me stop lecturing. Here are some good quotes from Mr. Reagan himself (and no, I'm not a republican, but I probably would have been one in 1981).

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.

How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done.

I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

I know in my heart that man is good.
That what is right will always eventually triumph.
And there's purpose and worth to each and every life.

If you're afraid of the future, then get out of the way, stand aside. The people of this country are ready to move again.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
(For those of you who are illiterate, the first was prostitution.)

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
--Said during a radio microphone test, 1984

Shocker!

Your Personality Is Like Marijuana

You're laid back and easy going, so much so that taking a shower is often too much trouble for you! Nevertheless, you're quite popular, and many people enjoy your company. You're rarely turned down. You're prone to giggle fits, paranoia, and forgetting where you are exactly.

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Is this my student?

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

-- Woody Allen

Well, duh.

You Are a "Don't Tread On Me" Libertarian

You distrust the government, are fiercely independent, and don't belong in either party. Religion and politics should never mix, in your opinion... and you feel opressed by both. You don't want the government to cramp your self made style. Or anyone else's for that matter. You're proud to say that you're pro-choice on absolutely everything!

What's Your Political Persuasion?

An Ode to Kristin. I mean Perry.

Linstin. Sangria. Ferries. Fairies. Sushi. Central Park. Spongebob. Cameras. Castles. Ireland. Pot. Trevor. Porn. Pigeons. Subways. The Ugly Clothes Store. Wifeswap. The FBI phone-listening-men. Killing people during sex. Europeans. Queer as Folk. The Office. Home Movies. O'Grady. Walter and Perry. Knitting. 1-100. One two three he's yours. The Price is Right. Arts and Crafts. Walter and Perry. Hoops and Yoyo. Sailors. Rudy's. Hotdogs. Beer. Diet Coke. Diet Cheerwine. Times Square. You girls have ridiculously large... purses. Starbucks. Edamame. Lists. Flatiron Building. Magic Missile. The Diner. Museum of Sex Gift Store. Laundromats. Pedicures. Mitch. Coney Island. Little Italy. Delilah. You're ridiculous. No you're not. Pizza. Garlic. More garlic. Museums. Field-trips. Mets Game. Yoo-hoo. Sneeze. Piercings. Ireland. Operation O'Linstin 2008. Phone-TV-dates. Reefer! Linstin.

I'm sorry you died, but I really can't go out in the rain.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

--Michael Pritchard



Come to my funeral! Kristin will have a powerpoint presentation made, and there will be Diet Coke served. I hope someone also brings a playstation and some jeopardy (or racing!).

Fun Science Facts

** The most dangerous animal in the world is the common housefly. Because of their habits of visiting animal waste, they transmit more diseases than any other animal.

** Armadillos, opossums, sloths, and teachers on vacation spend about 80% of their lives sleeping.

** The hottest planet in the solar system is Venus, with an estimated surface temperature of 864 F (462 C). (I have been telling the children that Mercury is the hottest planet. It's the closet to the sun!)

** October 10 is National Metric Day. Fuck you, inches!

** No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. (I simply do not believe this one. Get me a very large tissue.)

** Knowledge is growing so fast that ninety per cent of what we will know in fifty years time, will be discovered in those fifty years. (You just made this up.)

** According to an old English system of time units, a moment is one and a half minutes.

** The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So, if placed in water it would float. (The best part about telling kids this is how they mentally build a giant pool to put saturn in.)

** The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. (It used to take me about an hour to fall asleep. Now that I teach, it's more like 2 to 3 seconds.)

** It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (Try it! Try it!)

** There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

White trash!

Daytime tv is very trashy. This week I started with a holier-than-thou attitude and I stayed away (except for The Price is Right, of course). But now, by Friday, I've hit rock bottom. I'm watching Maury.

The show today is "Secrets". The woman currently on tv has been dating this guy for 2 years and is now engaged and carrying his baby. She said she has some secrets to tell him, so he came out and sat next to her. He said he loved her, but she couldn't have any secrets that were that bad. Apparently she had not 1 but 4 secrets:

1. I'm not actually single, I'm married.
2. I already have 4 kids. I visit them when you're away.
3. I'm not pregnant.
4. I can never be pregnant because my tubes are tied.

What in the world did they even talk about when they were dating? People I've known for less than 20 minutes know more about me than he knew about her.

It's a good thing I start school again on Monday. I'm pretty sure my brain would melt if I watched any more daytime tv.

Where is she? Where is she?! (link)

Now that's just embarassing.

Office fans: Is it just me, or does this guy sound like Dwight? He didn't have a phone, he grabbed a sword, and he assumed "rape" before sex or porn...

Thank you, Craig Ferguson. (link)

I have been saying this for years. Not because I think she's "vulnerable", but I really don't care. I think it's mildly funny to watch a crazy public figure self-destruct, but there are more important things in life. Anything. Everything. Absolutely everything I can think of is more important than Spears.


Wait, why are you famous, Craig?

Homorevolution! (link)

It's been a while since a feel-good pro-gay post, so here you go. Looks like I have something to talk to my students about next week!

This is my life. (link)

.... which further confirms that the only people who stay in these programs are the ones who started with little to no idealism at all. Even a normal person will cry a bit for the future of humanity when asked to teach in a public school.

I am not condoning this, but... (link)

Clowns are super-creepy. I hate them. I absolutely think that they are as bad as murderers, rapists, or even Nader-voters. Ugh. Take your face paint off and go get a real job. That is, if you didn't get shot lately.

I am on vacation.

And it is glorious. My plan was to sleep about 18 hours a day, and when I was awake I would either be ordering food or watching The Price is Right and/or Law and Order.

I did this for almost 2 hours this morning, and I am already bored, so I have decided to be productive.

Things I've noticed so far this week:

* The Freshdirect delivery man looks at you in a weird way when you order $30 worth of food... and $90 worth of Diet Coke.
* The contestants on The Price is Right are very good-looking. Or, my standards have dropped to a record low.
* I haven't paid bills for anything in roughly 3 months.
* The Sunday New York Times is very large.
* George Foreman grills are incredibly difficult to clean.

Other news to follow. Maybe.

What is your biggest flaw?

If I had to do a job interview, I'd use this as my one and only interview question. The responses fall into several categories:

1. The overly-scripted response. This person has played the game, knew that you'd ask that question, and has a statement ready. Although this is generally good, if you can tell it's scripted, it defeats the purpose. This person is out.

2. The "I didn't think you'd ask that question, but I'll make up an answer I think you'll like. These are the worst. Usually the responses include "Being overly punctual" or "Caring too much about the quality of my work". Did that line get you hired at McDonalds? Yeah? Then go back there.

3. The "I don't know." Honest, yes, but come back with something, anything.

4. The real response. Most people either don't know this or won't say it.

I think my "real response" would be my tendency to make blogs and not update them.

Saturday Morning

I woke up today, Saturday, around 9. I threw on some clothes and walked the 20 feet to Starbucks. I ordered my usual coffee, donut, and NY Times. When I came back I chatted with some neighbors, then ventured up to my apartment to sit on my patio in the 70-degree weather and read my paper. What an excellent morning.

One of the stories I gravitated to was about the surge in New Orleans murders. There have been 8 already this year (yes, 2007). Most of them were males shot in bad neighborhoods, but one case was particularly scary. A couple in their mid-thirties were both shot by an intruder in their home early Thursday morning. As I read the article, I kept looking at their picture. It's not a wedding picture or a "professional" photo taken at Sears.
As you can see, it's much more private than that. It looks like they were out one night when one of their friends randomly snapped a picture. The couple is not posed, and the guy is even holding his hand up in mock indignation (or in greeting, I'm not really sure which). I'm not sure why the picture affected me so much. I think it's because I could easily have a picture like this on my wall. Or I could easily be in a picture like this. I could be that woman. I could be Helen Hill who was shot to death in her own home, while her husband (who was also shot) watched and held their two-year-old daughter.

It's scary when something like this causes a dent in your sense of security. I like my blanket of invulnerability that I feel day to day. Of course I don't live without danger - but I kind of feel like I do. I don't know if I got this from a worry-free childhood, or from the Midwest, or if it's just an ingrained part of my personality, but I like it. I do know that I, like all of you reading this, will die. I also know that chances are it will be painful and "before my time". But at least I'm happy now. If nothing else I've had 23 damn good years, which is more than many others have.

**This post is depressing, random, and un-edited. It's a stream of consciousness caused by the unseasonably warm weather.