An Ode to Kristin. I mean Perry.

Linstin. Sangria. Ferries. Fairies. Sushi. Central Park. Spongebob. Cameras. Castles. Ireland. Pot. Trevor. Porn. Pigeons. Subways. The Ugly Clothes Store. Wifeswap. The FBI phone-listening-men. Killing people during sex. Europeans. Queer as Folk. The Office. Home Movies. O'Grady. Walter and Perry. Knitting. 1-100. One two three he's yours. The Price is Right. Arts and Crafts. Walter and Perry. Hoops and Yoyo. Sailors. Rudy's. Hotdogs. Beer. Diet Coke. Diet Cheerwine. Times Square. You girls have ridiculously large... purses. Starbucks. Edamame. Lists. Flatiron Building. Magic Missile. The Diner. Museum of Sex Gift Store. Laundromats. Pedicures. Mitch. Coney Island. Little Italy. Delilah. You're ridiculous. No you're not. Pizza. Garlic. More garlic. Museums. Field-trips. Mets Game. Yoo-hoo. Sneeze. Piercings. Ireland. Operation O'Linstin 2008. Phone-TV-dates. Reefer! Linstin.

I'm sorry you died, but I really can't go out in the rain.

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

--Michael Pritchard



Come to my funeral! Kristin will have a powerpoint presentation made, and there will be Diet Coke served. I hope someone also brings a playstation and some jeopardy (or racing!).

Fun Science Facts

** The most dangerous animal in the world is the common housefly. Because of their habits of visiting animal waste, they transmit more diseases than any other animal.

** Armadillos, opossums, sloths, and teachers on vacation spend about 80% of their lives sleeping.

** The hottest planet in the solar system is Venus, with an estimated surface temperature of 864 F (462 C). (I have been telling the children that Mercury is the hottest planet. It's the closet to the sun!)

** October 10 is National Metric Day. Fuck you, inches!

** No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. (I simply do not believe this one. Get me a very large tissue.)

** Knowledge is growing so fast that ninety per cent of what we will know in fifty years time, will be discovered in those fifty years. (You just made this up.)

** According to an old English system of time units, a moment is one and a half minutes.

** The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So, if placed in water it would float. (The best part about telling kids this is how they mentally build a giant pool to put saturn in.)

** The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. (It used to take me about an hour to fall asleep. Now that I teach, it's more like 2 to 3 seconds.)

** It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (Try it! Try it!)

** There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

White trash!

Daytime tv is very trashy. This week I started with a holier-than-thou attitude and I stayed away (except for The Price is Right, of course). But now, by Friday, I've hit rock bottom. I'm watching Maury.

The show today is "Secrets". The woman currently on tv has been dating this guy for 2 years and is now engaged and carrying his baby. She said she has some secrets to tell him, so he came out and sat next to her. He said he loved her, but she couldn't have any secrets that were that bad. Apparently she had not 1 but 4 secrets:

1. I'm not actually single, I'm married.
2. I already have 4 kids. I visit them when you're away.
3. I'm not pregnant.
4. I can never be pregnant because my tubes are tied.

What in the world did they even talk about when they were dating? People I've known for less than 20 minutes know more about me than he knew about her.

It's a good thing I start school again on Monday. I'm pretty sure my brain would melt if I watched any more daytime tv.

Where is she? Where is she?! (link)

Now that's just embarassing.

Office fans: Is it just me, or does this guy sound like Dwight? He didn't have a phone, he grabbed a sword, and he assumed "rape" before sex or porn...

Thank you, Craig Ferguson. (link)

I have been saying this for years. Not because I think she's "vulnerable", but I really don't care. I think it's mildly funny to watch a crazy public figure self-destruct, but there are more important things in life. Anything. Everything. Absolutely everything I can think of is more important than Spears.


Wait, why are you famous, Craig?

Homorevolution! (link)

It's been a while since a feel-good pro-gay post, so here you go. Looks like I have something to talk to my students about next week!

This is my life. (link)

.... which further confirms that the only people who stay in these programs are the ones who started with little to no idealism at all. Even a normal person will cry a bit for the future of humanity when asked to teach in a public school.

I am not condoning this, but... (link)

Clowns are super-creepy. I hate them. I absolutely think that they are as bad as murderers, rapists, or even Nader-voters. Ugh. Take your face paint off and go get a real job. That is, if you didn't get shot lately.

I am on vacation.

And it is glorious. My plan was to sleep about 18 hours a day, and when I was awake I would either be ordering food or watching The Price is Right and/or Law and Order.

I did this for almost 2 hours this morning, and I am already bored, so I have decided to be productive.

Things I've noticed so far this week:

* The Freshdirect delivery man looks at you in a weird way when you order $30 worth of food... and $90 worth of Diet Coke.
* The contestants on The Price is Right are very good-looking. Or, my standards have dropped to a record low.
* I haven't paid bills for anything in roughly 3 months.
* The Sunday New York Times is very large.
* George Foreman grills are incredibly difficult to clean.

Other news to follow. Maybe.