Not that I would do any of these things, but just in case, don't tell Adam (my roommate). We'll ignore the fact that he reads this blog...
1. Buy a wardrobe. Sit in it and wait. When your roommate gets home, jump out of the wardrobe and tell your roommate you've been to Narnia. Tell him this until he agrees to go into the wardrobe to prove that there is a Narnia. Lock the wardrobe. Go on vacation.
2. Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
3. Become your own twin sister and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
4. Call your friend "Kristin" and talk to her on the phone while you watch the same tv show. If your roommate joins you, continue talking to Kristin as if she was there. Talk about your roommate as if he was not there. Tell Kristin every few minutes that you're glad your roommate can't hear you. If he talks to you, start crying and shouting "Can't you see I'm on the phone?!"
5. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"
6. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
7. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
8. Get a bunkbed. Sleep face down under your mattress on the bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.
Most of these were taken from www.roommatetricks.com.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Shark Sex Fact of the Day
"During mating, male sharks commonly bite females repeatedly in an attempt to grasp them for copulation. In a liquid environment, and without the facility of appendages that can grasp or clutch, the shark’s teeth are the next best thing. Sharks do not hesitate to make use of their copious and sharp supply for this purpose. For this reason, female sharks may have skin up to three times the thickness of the skin in males of the same species."
--Dr. Marcelo Carvalho
Yikes. Kind of puts a whole new spin on "Jaws".
This person is genius.
Soon to come: My ode to Frog and Ladybug, a la Brokeback Mountain. Two boys, living so close, but not nearly close enough...
Wah Wah Wah Waaaah Waaaaaah Wah wah. (That's the Brokeback Mountain Theme Song.)
Wah Wah Wah Waaaah Waaaaaah Wah wah. (That's the Brokeback Mountain Theme Song.)
Monday, July 30, 2007
My next birthday party... (link)
And this, ladies, is where you find a husband.
I especially like under "Warnings" where it says not to "daisy chain"...
If you don't know what a daisy chain is, look it up. Or ask a non-angry gay male friend.
I especially like under "Warnings" where it says not to "daisy chain"...
If you don't know what a daisy chain is, look it up. Or ask a non-angry gay male friend.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
It is not possible for you to be any nerdier... (link)
Unless you wrote a blog about organizing your comic collection with excel. Then, maybe.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Best Saturday Movies
You know the type... they're on TBS about 3 times a month, they show them on Saturday afternoons, and they're just perfect to sit down and watch with some popcorn.
The criteria:
1. Must be feel-good. You should leave the movie feeling, well, good.
2. Should be family oriented. It's Saturday, family day. What better than spending time with someone else's fictional family?
3. Prefereably they have Steve Martin. There's no rationale for Steve Martin, he just makes me feel safe. (Let's not delve too deeply into this one...)
4. They should be relatively simple to follow. If there are crazy plot twists, you have to think to much. It's Saturday. Don't do that.
My list:
1. Father of the Bride
2. Father of the Bride 2
I swear I had way more when I started this post...
The criteria:
1. Must be feel-good. You should leave the movie feeling, well, good.
2. Should be family oriented. It's Saturday, family day. What better than spending time with someone else's fictional family?
3. Prefereably they have Steve Martin. There's no rationale for Steve Martin, he just makes me feel safe. (Let's not delve too deeply into this one...)
4. They should be relatively simple to follow. If there are crazy plot twists, you have to think to much. It's Saturday. Don't do that.
My list:
1. Father of the Bride
2. Father of the Bride 2
I swear I had way more when I started this post...
Thursday, July 26, 2007
For the Teachers
Next Season on Survivor
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 - 32 students.
Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three students will be labeled with severe behavior problems.
Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor the hallways.
In addition, they will complete fire drills, tornado drills, and [Code Red] drills for shooting attacks each month.
They must attend workshops, faculty meetings, and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and PSSA tests. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.
Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to cooperate, work, or learn, the teacher will be held responsible.
The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. The business people will be permitted to use a student restroom, as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.
If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after, school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.
The winner of this Season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job.
Pass this to your friends who think teaching is easy.
(I did not write this, I'm not that lame, but it is true.)
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 - 32 students.
Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three students will be labeled with severe behavior problems.
Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor the hallways.
In addition, they will complete fire drills, tornado drills, and [Code Red] drills for shooting attacks each month.
They must attend workshops, faculty meetings, and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and PSSA tests. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.
Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to cooperate, work, or learn, the teacher will be held responsible.
The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. The business people will be permitted to use a student restroom, as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.
If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after, school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.
The winner of this Season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job.
Pass this to your friends who think teaching is easy.
(I did not write this, I'm not that lame, but it is true.)
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Random Thought of the Day
I might be speculating here, but it must be extremely difficult for stoned people to use chopsticks.
Unless of course they're Asian.
Then it would be difficult to use a fork.
I hope this isn't offensive.
Unless of course they're Asian.
Then it would be difficult to use a fork.
I hope this isn't offensive.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Dear Diary,
I was at my parents' house this weekend and found my childhood diaries (at least the ones I didn't throw away), and let me tell you - it is a wonder that I was not in therapy as a child. Maybe that wasn't as big of a thing in the 80's, but they probably should have made an exception for me.
Most of my entries had three themes: Food, Gifts, and Boys. Here's a representative example:
February 14, 1992
Dear Diary,
Today was Valentine's Day. I got lots of presents. I got a card that sings - it's sooo cool! I also got a shirt, and a bear, and a pen, and some stickers, and some socks, and a troll, and a video. Then we ate macaroni and cheese and hot dogs and had cake and juice for dessert. I ate some candy too. And ice cream. I love Jeff*, he's sooo cute. I just want to see him naked and kiss him. I hope Jenny* doesn't talk to him and flirt with him like a bitch again. I hate Jenny.
*Names changed to protect the innocent.
Most of my entries had three themes: Food, Gifts, and Boys. Here's a representative example:
February 14, 1992
Dear Diary,
Today was Valentine's Day. I got lots of presents. I got a card that sings - it's sooo cool! I also got a shirt, and a bear, and a pen, and some stickers, and some socks, and a troll, and a video. Then we ate macaroni and cheese and hot dogs and had cake and juice for dessert. I ate some candy too. And ice cream. I love Jeff*, he's sooo cute. I just want to see him naked and kiss him. I hope Jenny* doesn't talk to him and flirt with him like a bitch again. I hate Jenny.
*Names changed to protect the innocent.
Horoscopes
I love them. I'm a scorpio, which is of course the best sign. I read my horoscope almost every day, and I'll even change my plans because of them. However, usually mine says something like "Today will include things of different kinds. Some will be good, but others will be bad." Then I read it again at the end of the day and think "Yes! There were things! Good things AND bad! I'm going to an astrologer!"
But today (Tuesday), mine is: Wonderful news is coming -- you'll be forgiven for getting caught up in the moment!
Hmm.... I'm waiting.
What happened, Lindsay? (link)
When is this trashy celebrity phase going to end? And how will it end? Personally I think someone will die, or overdose themselves into a coma.
I'm not going to lie, though. I kind of like to read about it. Here are people who are richer, prettier, and definitely more famous than me, yet they can't even get their lives together. It makes me feel a little better about my late credit card payments and reality TV habits.
Officer Orayduh (link)
Usually I push for public tasering, but making a citizen's arrest might do. There are just a few things that people should be reprimanded for doing. Here's my list:
1. Whistling. I know it's not really illegal, but it should be. I hate it. If I was president (or dictator, whatever), I would make whistling the number one offense. Punishable by being forced to listen to a high pitched whistle-like squeal for the rest of your life.
2. Littering. It's New York City, there is a garbage can on every damn corner. Do you not connect the gross garbage on the street with your laziness?
3. Not being able to walk. I don't mean the disabled, I mean the people who go to Times Square on a Friday afternoon and walk five across holding hands. If you're not from NYC, let me explain. The sidewalk is usually busier and more important than the street. If one group of people decides to take the whole sidewalk up, walk slowly, stop randomly, etc. it screws everything up.
4. Guys who seem super-interested, take your number, and then don't call. Come on now.
5. People who cut in line.
6. Guys who hit on women by shouting "oooh Mamacita!!" or just make smooching noises. Or guys who jingle their keys and expect women to just trot right over.
7. People who pull forward at the intersection so they block the entire crosswalk.
8. People who say "You know, I'd vote for George W. again..." Wait, this isn't a political blog. Nevermind.
1. Whistling. I know it's not really illegal, but it should be. I hate it. If I was president (or dictator, whatever), I would make whistling the number one offense. Punishable by being forced to listen to a high pitched whistle-like squeal for the rest of your life.
2. Littering. It's New York City, there is a garbage can on every damn corner. Do you not connect the gross garbage on the street with your laziness?
3. Not being able to walk. I don't mean the disabled, I mean the people who go to Times Square on a Friday afternoon and walk five across holding hands. If you're not from NYC, let me explain. The sidewalk is usually busier and more important than the street. If one group of people decides to take the whole sidewalk up, walk slowly, stop randomly, etc. it screws everything up.
4. Guys who seem super-interested, take your number, and then don't call. Come on now.
5. People who cut in line.
6. Guys who hit on women by shouting "oooh Mamacita!!" or just make smooching noises. Or guys who jingle their keys and expect women to just trot right over.
7. People who pull forward at the intersection so they block the entire crosswalk.
8. People who say "You know, I'd vote for George W. again..." Wait, this isn't a political blog. Nevermind.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The Bomb Shelter
I miss conversations. I don't mean conversations like "Hi, how are you?" "Good, you?"... I have those. I mean the type of deep conversations you can really only have when you're drunk. Or in high school. Now all the kids do is drugs and sex... but since I wasn't that popular in high school, I came to love a good convo.
In the interest of revitalizing this old tradition, I have a question that you should ask your friends:
It's the year 2008. We are once again at war - it's not important who we're at war with, but I like to make countries up, just to see if my friends are as smart as I hope they are. Try using Boobonia. If they ask where it is, just tell them it's in Latin America. If they still question it, just say it formed at the end of the Cold War.
Back to the question. So, we're at war. And the US is about to be bombed by Boobonians. You are responsible for saving 10 people in a bomb shelter. These 10 people will be responsible for re-creating society after the dust has cleared. Now, let the games begin. (Note: You can also pretend that you and your friends will be in the shelter and will be saved, but that turns the conversation into one about who we'd want to have sex with for the rest of eternity instead of what the necessary components of a society are. Whatever, both are fun.)
I got this idea from a teacher activity where you were given a list of people. Inevitably each person had at least one good quality and one bad quality. For example, Jimmy was only 8, but he had some minor health problems. Betty was a mother of 7, but she was on welfare. Or Bob, who was a neurosurgeon, genius, and dabbled in construction but was gay (oh my god!). Anyways, you had to narrow it down and decide who would live and who would die.
Here's my list:
1. Me. Duh, we'll need blogs in the future, and what if the world floods with Diet Coke? You'd need me.
2. Kristin. (I'll choose to ignore the fact that anyone stuck in a world with Kristin AND me would soon kill themselves. Oh well, more post-nuclear-holocaust Diet Coke for us.)
3. Steve Jobs. I love Macs, and I think he'd jump at the chance to live in a world where he didn't have to accommodate PCs.
4. Kathy Griffin. She's funny enough to keep us laughing in the face of mass death, and something tells me she'd be useful with a hammer.
5. John Krasinski - aka Jim, from The Office. Umm.... I want Jim - I mean John - because he's smart... and um, he's... intelligent... I'm afraid we won't have any room for his clothes though... shame...
6. Jon Stewart - Let's face it, this list isn't exactly THE most intelligent people in the world, and we need someone who knows what to do. Also, Jon is short, so I feel that I could take him in one-on-one combat. And he's not bad looking...
7. Howard Schulz. He created Starbucks. Mmm... frappuccino...
8. Pauly Shore. Son in Law. Bio-Dome. Jury Duty. In the Army Now. What more could you ask for?
9. Al Gore. Al can recreate the Internet. We'll let him run for president against Jon (or John), and then laugh as he loses with only one vote. Also if we run out of food, we'll have someone to eat. Other than me.
10. Paris Hilton. There's always at least one outcast that everyone makes fun of. Since I don't want it to be me, I thought I'd put Paris in. We need to have someone Kathy, Kristin, and I can make catty remarks about.
This list would also make for an excellent reality tv show. Any television networks reading this should feel free to contact me with offers.
In the interest of revitalizing this old tradition, I have a question that you should ask your friends:
It's the year 2008. We are once again at war - it's not important who we're at war with, but I like to make countries up, just to see if my friends are as smart as I hope they are. Try using Boobonia. If they ask where it is, just tell them it's in Latin America. If they still question it, just say it formed at the end of the Cold War.
Back to the question. So, we're at war. And the US is about to be bombed by Boobonians. You are responsible for saving 10 people in a bomb shelter. These 10 people will be responsible for re-creating society after the dust has cleared. Now, let the games begin. (Note: You can also pretend that you and your friends will be in the shelter and will be saved, but that turns the conversation into one about who we'd want to have sex with for the rest of eternity instead of what the necessary components of a society are. Whatever, both are fun.)
I got this idea from a teacher activity where you were given a list of people. Inevitably each person had at least one good quality and one bad quality. For example, Jimmy was only 8, but he had some minor health problems. Betty was a mother of 7, but she was on welfare. Or Bob, who was a neurosurgeon, genius, and dabbled in construction but was gay (oh my god!). Anyways, you had to narrow it down and decide who would live and who would die.
Here's my list:
1. Me. Duh, we'll need blogs in the future, and what if the world floods with Diet Coke? You'd need me.
2. Kristin. (I'll choose to ignore the fact that anyone stuck in a world with Kristin AND me would soon kill themselves. Oh well, more post-nuclear-holocaust Diet Coke for us.)
3. Steve Jobs. I love Macs, and I think he'd jump at the chance to live in a world where he didn't have to accommodate PCs.
4. Kathy Griffin. She's funny enough to keep us laughing in the face of mass death, and something tells me she'd be useful with a hammer.
5. John Krasinski - aka Jim, from The Office. Umm.... I want Jim - I mean John - because he's smart... and um, he's... intelligent... I'm afraid we won't have any room for his clothes though... shame...
6. Jon Stewart - Let's face it, this list isn't exactly THE most intelligent people in the world, and we need someone who knows what to do. Also, Jon is short, so I feel that I could take him in one-on-one combat. And he's not bad looking...
7. Howard Schulz. He created Starbucks. Mmm... frappuccino...
8. Pauly Shore. Son in Law. Bio-Dome. Jury Duty. In the Army Now. What more could you ask for?
9. Al Gore. Al can recreate the Internet. We'll let him run for president against Jon (or John), and then laugh as he loses with only one vote. Also if we run out of food, we'll have someone to eat. Other than me.
10. Paris Hilton. There's always at least one outcast that everyone makes fun of. Since I don't want it to be me, I thought I'd put Paris in. We need to have someone Kathy, Kristin, and I can make catty remarks about.
This list would also make for an excellent reality tv show. Any television networks reading this should feel free to contact me with offers.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Things that kind of embarrass me
I drink roughly 8 cans of Diet Coke a day; I once asked what the French word for fiance was (in French class); I can recite almost every word from the first episode of Dawson's Creek from memory (along with every lyric of MmmBop by Hanson); and most recently my addiction to Big Brother 8. I was one of the few fans of Big Brother 1. There was a crazy girl from Minnesota who dyed her hair green, some nice old guy, and a whole lot of boredom. Anyways, back to this season.... it has everything trashy you'd want in a reality tv show.
1. A bunch of strangers living together in a made-specifically-for-this-show house.
2. Several of the contestants have people from their past in the house. Of course their relationship ended on horrible terms (one of the guys gave his boyfriend gonorrhea).
3. They have to compete for food. In earlier seasons, the losers would be on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the week. Now the losers get "slop" - which apparently tastes like a mixture of death and santorum.
4. And what would a good trashy show be without some option to call in and vote. The audience can vote each episode to make one of the characters do what they wish. He's called "America's player", and all of his decisions are determined by "America's vote".
5. There's even a cam in the bathroom.
I love it. For those of you in the know, my favorite player is Zack... I am strangely attracted to him. My least favorite is Jen, of course, but I also dislike the bimbo-y little blonde one whose friend went home the first week.
Sigh. Don't judge me.
1. A bunch of strangers living together in a made-specifically-for-this-show house.
2. Several of the contestants have people from their past in the house. Of course their relationship ended on horrible terms (one of the guys gave his boyfriend gonorrhea).
3. They have to compete for food. In earlier seasons, the losers would be on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the week. Now the losers get "slop" - which apparently tastes like a mixture of death and santorum.
4. And what would a good trashy show be without some option to call in and vote. The audience can vote each episode to make one of the characters do what they wish. He's called "America's player", and all of his decisions are determined by "America's vote".
5. There's even a cam in the bathroom.
I love it. For those of you in the know, my favorite player is Zack... I am strangely attracted to him. My least favorite is Jen, of course, but I also dislike the bimbo-y little blonde one whose friend went home the first week.
Sigh. Don't judge me.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
One of the funniest things I've ever seen.
After you've listened to Mika, watch this. I love these guys. Are they 18?
The one in the silver shorts apparently thinks that jostling his penis is a dance move. I had no idea that all those guys on the subway were just dancing...
The one in the silver shorts apparently thinks that jostling his penis is a dance move. I had no idea that all those guys on the subway were just dancing...
New Favorite Band (link)
Mika - It's happy music, good to dance to. I don't normally endorse singers (because most of what I listen to was made before 1995), but he's good.
Download Love Today, then Lollipop, then Happy Ending. Or just go buy the CD like a caveman. Then email me, and tell me that you loved it.
Download Love Today, then Lollipop, then Happy Ending. Or just go buy the CD like a caveman. Then email me, and tell me that you loved it.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
5 Hour Energy (link)
In a rare moment, I was watching live tv (The Daily Show) with my roommate. Since it was live, we were stuck with the commercials. On came a commercial about "5 Hour Energy", a fabulous new energy supplement much better than those canned energy drinks. The commercial was so corny, I decided to check out the website. The frequently asked questions include:
* What's in 5-Hour Energy?
* Is 5-Hour Energy safe for children?
* What flavors does 5-Hour Energy come in?
And, of course, the question I always have...
* My skin is hot and itchy. What's happening to me?
If you're wondering where to buy this fantastic product, don't bother. I bought them out. Now I'm going to go itch my skin.
* What's in 5-Hour Energy?
* Is 5-Hour Energy safe for children?
* What flavors does 5-Hour Energy come in?
And, of course, the question I always have...
* My skin is hot and itchy. What's happening to me?
If you're wondering where to buy this fantastic product, don't bother. I bought them out. Now I'm going to go itch my skin.
Things TiVo* has taught me.
1. I love Kathy Griffin. I thought she was kind of annoying and not that funny, but I've started watching her show, and let me tell you - she's me, except instead of trying not to suck at comedy, I try not to suck at teaching. And let's be honest, teaching and comedy are very similar, almost the same.
"My parents have horrible dating advice, because it's from World War II. You know, it's just stuff you can't use like 'as long as a man buys you a nice pair of stockings.' I was like, Mom, you can just go to a store a get stockings now."
I cannot tell you how many times I tried to make a joke in front of 30 15-year-olds and totally bombed. Then I threatened their grade if they didn't laugh. Then they laughed. And cried. But most importantly they laughed.
"I wish they would have peppered the room with more gays. Because straight people will just let you down every time. And they don't know how to laugh at a good pussy joke." So true, Kathy.
2. People who watch trashy reality TV are morons who are not worthy of my time. Of course, "trashy reality TV" can only be defined as "shows I don't watch". I do love to watch wifeswap with Kristin, or supernanny, or even Big Brother 8. I remember watching the original Big Brother seven years ago. When I'm watching it now sometimes I think, "wow, look at me. I used to be watching this show in my parents basement, drinking diet coke. Now I'm watching it in New York City, drinking diet coke I had to pay for myself. Damnit!!"
3. Dawson's Creek was NOT as good as I remember it. But it is just as addictive. I love you Dawson! But knowing that Jen dies at the end makes it harder to hate her. I also realized that I hated her because I wanted to be her - I wanted to be a slut from NY. Wait...
4. I want to be Samantha Brown's new best friend so I can travel with her on Passport to Europe. Better yet, she can quit her job and Kristin and I can take over. Passport to Europe with Linstin. We ca have little segments, like the best drink of the area. Or the best men in the area. Or the best places to pass out in public and not get urinated on.
5. I thought my TV watching habits were fairly sophisticated. But now that I record everything, it's all nicely listed in one area. Here's a rundown: Big Brother 8, Passport to Europe, The Big Gay Sketch Show, Father of the Bride 1 and 2, Degrassi, The Naked Chef (I don't actually cook, I just watch him. He's hot.), Dawson's Creek, The Price is Right, Cash Cab (I love you Ben Bailey!), The Simpsons, and Jaws (research for my Sharks and Rays class). I guess I'm not all that sophisticated. Shocker!
6. I mostly watch the show Intervention because I feel that what they're doing is important. These people are real humans who made bad choices in their life. But mostly I watch Intervention to feel better about my life. "Yeah, I haven't been to the gym in a month, I'm single, and I drink a lot, but at least I'm not smoking heroin in my parent's garage!"
7. Commercials are even more annoying than before TiVo*. I love to skip them. Except, of course, the commercials that are about me.
Girl goes to refrigerator. Dog enters room. Dog: "Hey Lindsey? I wish you didn't smoke weed**. You're not the same when you smoke, and I miss my friend. I'll be outside." Best commercial ever.
8. Dr. Phil is mean. I like it. I like when people cry on the show.
9. Game shows like Cash Cab, the World Series of Pop Culture, Jeopardy, etc. are much easier when you can pause the show, look up the answer on the Internet, then restarted the show and shout the answer out.
* Not actually TiVo, but the Time Warner version of DVR.
** I do not smoke pot. I don't even know what pot is.
"My parents have horrible dating advice, because it's from World War II. You know, it's just stuff you can't use like 'as long as a man buys you a nice pair of stockings.' I was like, Mom, you can just go to a store a get stockings now."
I cannot tell you how many times I tried to make a joke in front of 30 15-year-olds and totally bombed. Then I threatened their grade if they didn't laugh. Then they laughed. And cried. But most importantly they laughed.
"I wish they would have peppered the room with more gays. Because straight people will just let you down every time. And they don't know how to laugh at a good pussy joke." So true, Kathy.
2. People who watch trashy reality TV are morons who are not worthy of my time. Of course, "trashy reality TV" can only be defined as "shows I don't watch". I do love to watch wifeswap with Kristin, or supernanny, or even Big Brother 8. I remember watching the original Big Brother seven years ago. When I'm watching it now sometimes I think, "wow, look at me. I used to be watching this show in my parents basement, drinking diet coke. Now I'm watching it in New York City, drinking diet coke I had to pay for myself. Damnit!!"
3. Dawson's Creek was NOT as good as I remember it. But it is just as addictive. I love you Dawson! But knowing that Jen dies at the end makes it harder to hate her. I also realized that I hated her because I wanted to be her - I wanted to be a slut from NY. Wait...
4. I want to be Samantha Brown's new best friend so I can travel with her on Passport to Europe. Better yet, she can quit her job and Kristin and I can take over. Passport to Europe with Linstin. We ca have little segments, like the best drink of the area. Or the best men in the area. Or the best places to pass out in public and not get urinated on.
5. I thought my TV watching habits were fairly sophisticated. But now that I record everything, it's all nicely listed in one area. Here's a rundown: Big Brother 8, Passport to Europe, The Big Gay Sketch Show, Father of the Bride 1 and 2, Degrassi, The Naked Chef (I don't actually cook, I just watch him. He's hot.), Dawson's Creek, The Price is Right, Cash Cab (I love you Ben Bailey!), The Simpsons, and Jaws (research for my Sharks and Rays class). I guess I'm not all that sophisticated. Shocker!
6. I mostly watch the show Intervention because I feel that what they're doing is important. These people are real humans who made bad choices in their life. But mostly I watch Intervention to feel better about my life. "Yeah, I haven't been to the gym in a month, I'm single, and I drink a lot, but at least I'm not smoking heroin in my parent's garage!"
7. Commercials are even more annoying than before TiVo*. I love to skip them. Except, of course, the commercials that are about me.
Girl goes to refrigerator. Dog enters room. Dog: "Hey Lindsey? I wish you didn't smoke weed**. You're not the same when you smoke, and I miss my friend. I'll be outside." Best commercial ever.
8. Dr. Phil is mean. I like it. I like when people cry on the show.
9. Game shows like Cash Cab, the World Series of Pop Culture, Jeopardy, etc. are much easier when you can pause the show, look up the answer on the Internet, then restarted the show and shout the answer out.
* Not actually TiVo, but the Time Warner version of DVR.
** I do not smoke pot. I don't even know what pot is.
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