Tales from the Office

Guy at work: How's your celery?

Me: Crunchy.

Guy: Good, there's nothing worse than flaccid celery.

Me: Well, there's one thing worse than flaccid celery...

Guy: Okay that's true.

I love you, Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil is one of the smartest people in the world, I'm convinced of it. His shows have gotten a little trashy (and really, who doesn't love that), but I really like his books. I bought his weight loss book and granted I haven't finished it, but he knows infinitely more than most other health book writers - and that's not even his specialty!

So I bought another one of his books "Love Smart: Find the one you want, Fix the one you got." I bought it on Amazon of course because I wouldn't be caught dead buying this book in a book store.

I'm only on page 10, but so far I learned that Dr. Phil, as a child, thought that dogs were boys and cats were girls and that's why they didn't get along. I thought that too! Dr. Phil we are the same person!! Let's get Diet Coke sometime.

Also, I like this out-of-context quote: "I want us to be proactive like the vulture sitting up on a telephone line who looks at the other vulture and says, "Forget this waiting, I'm going to go kill something." Good point, Dr. Phil, but maybe killing something wasn't the best analogy to make.

The muppet is Dr. Feel, who is on Sesame Street. When someone makes a muppet to resemble me, my life will be complete.

It just doesn't make sense.

I dislike it when people say things like "On a scale of 1 to 10, it's a 28!"

That is impossible. The scale goes from 1 to 10. It could be a 10, but it could not be higher than a 10.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of annoyance, it's a 10. See? It's easy.

Also, it's an ATM, or an AT Machine. NOT an ATM machine. Do you people even know what the letters stand for?!

Okay.... I know

It's been a while since my last post. I'm a busy person!

Here's what I've been watching on TV instead of writing here. (I said I was busy, not popular...)


1. I am addicted to BBC America, specifically "You are what you eat" and "How clean is your house?"

"You are what you eat" is about a tiny blonde British woman - Gillian McKeith. She is my hero. She's very mean but deep down you can tell she cares... but in a mean way. It's kind of how I teach. She breaks them down and then builds them back up into what she wants them to be. The setup is this: someone nominates someone else because they think that person needs to lose weight. Then Gillian tracks them down and yells at them. She takes all of the things they ate in a week and lays them out on a table. Some of them are ridiculous! One woman had 6 lattes a DAY! So Gillian took a huge vat and poured in all the milk, coffee, and sugar that the woman takes in in a year. The people on the show cry a lot. One woman had 3 burgers a day so Gillian took all the hamburger she eats in a year and made it into a body outline to convince the girl that her diet would kill her. Just to top it off she dumped the saturated fat on the top and they watched it harden. Even the voiceover guy is supermean. He likes to make little jokes like "Looks like Katie needs to be less weighty!" British people are so mean! I need to move there! Gillian come yell at me.

"How clean is your house?" is kind of the same. People are nominated because their houses are disgusting and then two British women come and yell at them. But they also clean the houses and take samples of the really dirty areas to find what was living there. Every time I watch it, it freaks me out and I decide that I need to clean my apartment top to bottom... but I never actually do that. Maybe today.


2. Miss America Reality Check - It just started yesterday, but the first episode was fantastic. They have all 52 Miss America contestants (50 states, District of Columbia, and what else?). The point is to update the image of Miss America and transform the women into more modern contestants instead of beauty pageant robots. It's sad how bad some of the women are - one didn't know what the flag of her own state looked like. They even got them to talk about political issues, and some of them are very scary. But the good news is, some of them actually seem like human beings. Each week they rank the bottom 3 and the top 3, but no one is voted off. In later episodes some of them cry. This excites me - does that make me a bad person?


3. How to Look Good Naked with Carson Kressley. First of all Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is amazing. He's funny and sweet, but watching this show made me like him even more. They take girls who hates their bodies and have low self-esteem and go through a series of exercises to make them feel better about themselves. First Carson made the girl strip down to her underwear and go over her body head to toe, talking about what she didn't like. For some people this may seem a bit silly but for a fat girl this is a horrible nightmare - and it's going to be on national TV! Then Carson goes back over her and tells her what he sees. The girl didn't like her hips so Carson set up 6 women with large hips in order of smallest to largest and told her to put herself where she thought she fell. Not surprisingly she put herself between girls that were significantly larger than she was. Then Carson took the picture of her in just her underwear, projected onto the side of a building, and asked pedestrians what they thought of her. They were truthful but nice! One woman said "That looks like me, but with better boobs!" and the men said she was hot. Finally they got her a new bra (80% of women wear the wrong size bra - 80%!!), and it made her look much much better. I cried a lot when I watched this show, it's super sweet and I want to have a Carson Kressley with me all the time. He can hang out with me, Gillian, and Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear.