Naturally Nocturnal

I believe that I am meant to sleep during the day.  It is after 4:00 AM, and I'm completely alert.  I haven't had any caffeine, and I didn't sleep a lot last night.  

This leads me to the obvious conclusion:  my ancestors were flying squirrels.

Reeve

Not to be a complete bitch, but why is the public so upset about Christopher Reeve's wife's death? People die all the time. Yes she had cancer, but people die from that all the time too. Yes her husband died and they had kids, but again, it happens all the time. And those kids are significantly better off than most in their position.

It's sad when anyone dies, but I don't see why it's more sad when certain people die.

Seinfeld

Randomly happened upon Jerry's restaurant. Did you ever notice that the inside never matches the outside? It's an eternal mystery.

Life is Complete

Grocery by my apartment. Now I can see how people can go their entire life without ever leaving their block. Seriously, what more could you possibly need?

Not enough cowboy on cowboy action

Last Friday I went to an event for people who are "new to NYC." I felt a little dumb, but I wanted to get out of the apartment. At said event I met some decently nice people, had quite possibly the worst cosmopolitan ever made, and freaked out my mom by telling her that I was going out at night by myself in New York City. She strongly believes that it is is a fluke that I have not yet been murdered.

Saturday Dan (Manna) and I went to a Mexican place where we had burritos that were stuffed with what tasted like rats. The atmosphere contributed to the badness. I didn't think anything wraped in a tortilla could be so foul (with the exception of my 10th grade math teacher, but that's a long story).

We then went to brokeback mountain. I didn't like it, and this is why:

*Very little naked cowboy sex. Very little. Just enough to keep me from asking for my money back.

*Guy in front of us kept glaring at me/Dan. We were in the makeout seats in the back! It's expected that we're loud! Just be glad that we were talking and not making squishing sounds.

*The theatre didn't have nuclear squirms. Nor did they have sprite. It's a horrible world we live in. Also, the bathrooms smelled and had a long line.

*The movie script seemed to be written in about 5 minutes.

*There was very little lead-up to them being gay. It was just sort of "well, we're sleeping in the same tent, we might as well have anal sex." Although this has happened many times before, it didn't seem to work in the film.

*I saw Michelle Williams' boobs. It ruined Dawson's Creek for me forever. Either that or made it much more interesting... No! It ruined it!

*Dee-pak, a colorful limo driver we met on the way to the movie, didn't see it with us. It's a shame, because we would've filled the make-out row then.

All of these combined made for a mediocre movie-viewing experience. Thank God I had such a tall person to talk to, or it wouldn't have been a fun night.

Random side note, as mentioned by Dan, a horrible safeword for anal sex is "Harder." Remember that, kiddies.

Kristin

I have reason to believe that my friend Kristin is going to run away and get married to a guy she met on the facebook.  I have this, and only this to say to her:

Not to harp on a cow, but I know that you will run away to Disneyworld to get married.  And although I realize that they have many witnesses such as Cinderella and Mickey, you really sould have a witness who isn't wearing a costume.  So, you should take me.  Also, take a guy who is single and attractive to keep me company.  If he can hold a conversation, that's good too, but not required.

And I have to say that your wedding should be in the tower of terror, and that you should kiss right when the tower drops.  And then drop the bouquet so it gets stuck in the fans and no one ever gets married again.  Except me, to this attractive single somewhat-intelligent guy that you are going to set me up with.  

And then we'll all go to Epcot center, where you can have your honeymoon in fake-France while I get drunk with my new husband in fake-Germany.  

It's a plan.

Cool people

Did you ever notice that the coolest people in the world are your friends?  I believe this for two reasons:

1.  I chose them to be my friends, therefore they are worthy of coolness.

2.  They chose me as a friend, which makes them cool just in itself.

Some may say, what if, empirically, I am not cool?  Then would my friends be un-cool by extension?  I say to you:  Die.  And stop reading my blog, uncool person.

I wrote this at 3:30 AM, so don't give me any crap about it's lack of coolness.  Cool?  

Awkward!

God I'm awkward.  When my roommate was gone this weekend I:

1. broke the washer and flooded the apartment (and I believe the downstairs neighbor's apartment)
2. broke living room curtain when I tried to raise it
3. broke the kitchen light by turning it on.... 
4. sliced my thumb open while opening my fraggle rock calendar
5. hurt my other finger when I was closing the band-aid case

You shouldn't trust me in your house, next to small children, or with sharp objects... ever.

Spackling

It's 4:30 a.m. and I just woke up to go to the bathroom.  However, when I opened my door I saw that the light was on.  My roommate couldn't sleep and decided to spackle the bathroom window.  So, I'm now sitting awake waiting for her to finish so that I can pee.  

Weird?  

Night 1

I'm in my bedroom, but I won't get to publish this until morning since I shipped my wireless router.  I'd check to see when it was getting here, but since I don't have internet, I can't.  When it gets here, I'll be sure to check that the tracking website says that it got here.  

I have a TV / VCR / DVD player in my room, but I only get about half the channels (which of course are the channels I want to watch).  Right now I'm watching MNN, the Manhattan Neighborhood Network.  The show is called "The Church of Go Shoot Yourself."  I'm a fan.

Plans for tomorrow:
1.  Sleep in.  Late.  
2.  Receive boxes from UPS.  Unpack.
3.  Call Dan.
4.  Find Diet Coke and Starbucks.

The apartment is amazing.  There are about 3583 rooms.  The cat is cute, it's very nicely decorated, and there's a ton of storage space.  AND, it's literally 20 feet from Central Park.  I can see Central Park from the living room window.  I'll post photos... well... when I take them.  And when I find my camera cord.  There are so many trials and tribulations with moving.    

Airplane Fun

7:20 EST
I type this while I'm on my plane to New York. I'm also watching The Amityville Horror (the original, of course) on my computer. I had the great pleasure of being searched and frisked by a somewhat attractive, although not my type, security woman. Now the flight attendant is coming with the soda cart. I hope they have diet coke. It's the little things that make me happy.

7:22 EST
They did have diet coke! And it's in a can! And it's cold! I was going to buy some at the airport, but they, for some reason, didn't have any in the entire place. It's like a sign that I belong somewhere else... where diet coke roams free and not everything has a picture of cheese on it (even the cheese had a picture of cheese on it). However, I did buy my new roommate a cheesehead magnet. I suspect that she will love me forever because of this grand gesture. I also bought a pink stuffed frog.
I'd make something up about us starting a new adventure together, but I actually just like how it looks. So, here I am on my plane, with my laptop on watching a classic horror movie with a can of diet coke and a pink little frog. I'd be perfectly happy to stay here forever if the guy behind me didn't keep annoying playing with a loud plastic bag.

7:30 EST
I'm in the perfect seat to re-enact the classic twilight zone "There's... there's someone on the wing!" moment. But I think I've lost any credibility I had when I spent 30 minutes untangling my headphones, only to decide that I wanted the other headphones that were in my bag, untangled.

7:32 EST
To guy behind me: Die. Stop making bag sounds, and die.

7:33 EST
Note to anyone reading this over my shoulder: This is not a death threat, per se, but more of a death hope.

7:34 EST
Note to guy behind me, if you can read this: If this being a death threat would stop you making bag sounds, it is a death threat. To everyone else, especially prosecutors or airline staff of some kind, see 7:33 EST.

7:38 EST
Figured out that I can change my word document to be blue, with white text. I'm not sure why this function exists, and why it's blue and white and not, say, green and purple, but I like it.

7:40 EST
Realized that very few people are still reading this, but will continue to write for the remainder of the flight (70 minutes) to amuse myself.

7:41 EST
Woman two rows up is working on what appears to be the most boring powerpoint presentation ever created. I have a pink frog, cool movie, and soda. I am by far a much cooler person.

7:42 EST
I just itched my nose, and I think the woman next to me thinks I picked it. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to tell her that I was just scratching.

7:43 EST
Decided not to initiate conversation with woman, because I may have to pick my nose before we land, and she will inevitably see it and think that I was lying when I said I was scratching it.

7:44 EST
Realized I couldn't care less if the woman next to me believes I picked my nose.


7:45 EST
Do you ever hurt your finger in the area between the flesh and the nail? I did.

7:46 EST
Kid on movie just snapped off finger in window. I made a loud noise of surprise when it happened and now people are staring. They have good reason to suspect that I am crazy (pink frog is still sitting on tray).

7:47 EST
BAG GUY I WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME AND KILL YOU. I'LL DO IT. POUR THE FUCKING WHATEVER ON YOUR FUCKING TRAY AND THROW THE FUCKING BAG AWAY.

7:48 EST
Old woman just walked to bathroom. Question for Darby (new roommate, flight attendant): What happens when someone dies mid-flight? Where do they put the body? In an overhead storage compartment? I should probably wait until after we have a few other conversations to ask her this...

7:51 EST
Old woman returns. She didn't die, but we have a good hour left of flight time to go.

7:52 EST
I want another diet coke.

7:54 EST
There is a wireless network called "Free Public Wifi," but it doesn't work for me. I think it's a trick.

7:55 EST
THERE'S,... THERE'S,... THERE'S SOMEONE... SOMEONE ON THE WING!

7:55:30 EST
Just kidding.

7:56 EST
Damnit. I should've brought "Lost" to play. Now that's a good airplane show. That and "The Langoliers." My friend Brian and I were going to have an entire airline company where the tickets were absurdly cheap, and we'd show airplane horror movies on the flight for free, but charge hundreds of dollars for earplugs and eye masks (which I realize now are called "blindfolds" by people who... know... words...).

7:58 EST
We're flying above one of the great lakes. Its probably one of those unimportant ones, like Erie or the one that starts with an "O".

8:02 EST
If you need to kill time in the middle of a horror movie, insert a little kid singing a religious song. "Jesus Loves Me" works great. If the kid could also have an imaginary friend that isn't so imaginary, that'd be great too.

8:09 EST
I have renamed my frog "Thomas Jeffrey." Reminder - look up name to see if it's already taken by someone. It was originally named "Baubles", but it didn't suit him. Also, I believe that it is a male frog that is comfortable enough with his froggy sexuality to be pink rather than a female frog, which is what the nametag implied.

8:13 EST
The cross on the movie is turned upside-down! What does it mean?! Thomas and I are intrigued.

8:14 EST
Lesson learned from movie: Don't perform amateur exorcisms. I wonder if there are exorcism classes. Class 1: Pea Soup is your enemy, not your friend. Class 2: The power of Christ compels you. Class 3: Stairs, ouija boards, also not your friend. Class 4: Dress for success (black shirt, white collar).

8:19 EST
Have to pee, but think that taking computer with me might be frowned upon. Will try to wait. Damn diet coke... so good, but so fast traveling.

8:20 EST
This movie is very similar to "The Shining". Crazy Mom, crazier Dad, weird kid with un-imaginary friend, being driven crazy by weird building. Red Rum. Red Rum!

8:24 EST
We are either about to crash, hitting turbulence, about to land, or my bladder is exploding. All seem equally likely.

8:25 EST
Thomas Jeffrey definitely looks stoned. His eyelids are droopy and his pupils are dilated. I like it.

8:42 EST
Had to put computer away because ears weren't popping. They should show video of a person yawning to help people out. I resorted to fake-nose blowing and taking a little red pill that is a decongestent, or something similar.

8:44 EST
Lights of city are amazing. It's very dark out and they are actually twinkling. In big cities, at night, I always feel like a little kid in absolute awe. I like to think about what each of the lights are. One is a grandma making cookies for her grandson, one is a couple settling into their first night as husband and wife, one is an apartment getting robbed, etc.

8:46 EST
We're landing!

Cooler blogs than mine

http://www.gapingvoid.com/

I really like this blog.  Very simple, yet insightful pictures drawn on business cards.  

Blah blah

Just to make sure everyone randomly stalking me by reading this and not telling me, anything published here does not necessarily reflect the views of anyone I work for, anyone I know, or even my own views.

Random non-smoking stuff

Within 20 minutes after you smoke that last cigarette, your body begins a series of changes that continue for years.

20 Minutes After Quitting
Your heart rate drops.
12 hours After Quitting
Carbon monoxide level in your blood drops to normal.
2 Weeks to 3 Months After Quitting
Your heart attack risk begins to drop.

1 to 9 Months After Quitting
Your Coughing and shortness of breath decrease.
1 Year After Quitting
Your added risk of coronary heart disease is half that of a smoker’s.
5 Years After Quitting
Your stroke risk is reduced to that of a nonsmoker’s 5-15 years after quitting.
10 Years After Quitting
Your lung cancer death rate is about half that of a smoker’s.

15 Years After Quitting
Your risk of coronary heart disease is back to that of a nonsmoker’s.

*I stole this from here: http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/sgr/sgr_2004/posters/20mins.htm

Unhealthy

I've been very unhealthy lately.  I'm vowing to become healthier right now.  Maybe if I say this "out loud" in a semi-public forum I'll be more likely to stick with it.  First things first, I will stop using heroin and crack, and will stop kicking random people on the street.*


*Since I don't actually do any of these things, it might be a bit of an empty goal, but baby steps... baby steps...

Manhattan Valley

AKA, my new home.

May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.

Last night was my final FAC as a resident of Madison. I drank a lot (Hello nalgene of cosmopolitan...), cried a lot, smoked a lot, and sang along to Jewel. Also, I was warned that if I pick up a chair and pump it in the air along to music (a la Pongo), I would be forced to leave.

I leave for NYC on Wednesday, and it's finally hitting me. FAC is definitely at the top of the list of things I'm going to miss, followed by CFACT, my friends, my apartment, my sofa, my tivo-moxi box, and many more things that will come to me when I am no longer having my final post-FAC as a resident of Madison hangover.

How did Barbie get pregnant when Ken has plastic underwear fused to his body?

I like how her legs would have to be removed for that baby to come out of her vagina. And even though it's *realistic*, she doesn't have any nipples.

This would be a great George Bush approach to sex ed. "If you have sex, YOU WILL get pregnant, and a child will be FORCED through THERE with much RIPPING and PAIN.

Oh yeah, and abortions and condoms aren't real... like Santa. But not like Jesus. Vote Republican! And homosexuality is wrong."

Reason #46,229 that I can never run for public office. Or work for someone who runs for public office. Or vote.

Hope