Test Scores

My teacher certification test scores come out today by 5:00. I have a strong feeling that I failed at least one of them. In all honesty, it's not that big of a deal if I do fail, but I just really don't want to re-take them.

The point is, I'm waiting all day for them to come in (or at least the rest of the day, since I already slept through half of it...).

These are things I will spend my day doing. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

* Sorting my itunes. I have 11 days worth of music to sort through and rate, categorize, delete. It's one of those fake to-do list items. Actually, now that I think about it, all of these are going to be a fake to-do list item (items that you put on your list for the sole purpose of being able to cross them off.)

* Cleaning. I can't believe I have to clean after moving in only a week ago, but I kind of like it. It's so fulfilling to be done and see it all clean... oh man, I'm my Mom.

* Calling around to Starbucks to pick up a shift or two. I miss the discount and free coffee and green aprons.

* Reading the 477 page booklet the NYC teaching fellows just sent me. Yikes.

* Drinking coffee/diet coke and sitting on my patio (This is by far the most likely option)

* Reading/studying for when I have to retake my test

* Going to the gym (Probably not, because that requries leaving my internet connection. They look at you weird if you take a computer on the treadmill with you...)

* Writing pointless posts in my blog about what I should rather be doing. (Also quite likely.)

Go Mets (link)

I need to get to a game... anyone in?

No Pants Day (link)

It has just come to my attention that tomorrow is No Pants Day. Check out the website.

I may wear a skirt, even though that's apparently against the No Pants Day Rules. I figure, since I wouldn't normally wear a skirt, it counts as an appropriate substition for me.

Creepy

http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/20060428_HOMICIDE_MAP.html

News

I love news. I'm a news junkie. The biggest thing I miss about not having a television is not having news on in the background. (And The Price is Right, but that goes without saying.)

Sadly when I have something big going on in my life I tend to go into a little shell. Here are things I missed while moving:

* A giant fire in Brooklyn yesterday. Cnn.com has pictures of huge clouds of smoke over Manhattan. I didn't see it or even hear about it until today. I blame Mrs. O'Leery's cow. Why do we still let that woman farm in large cities?!

* An Armenian passenger plane crashed this morning in the Black Sea. I read "American" the first 16 times I saw it, and was very distraught. When I saw that it was indeed Armenian, I felt relief, then immense guilt.

* Is it inappropriate to make a joke about the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services) attending rallies for illegal immigrants? If so, then ignore this.

Two-minute mile in steel-toed boots.

I'm loving NYC, but every once in a while I see/hear/smell something that makes me tear up and miss Wisconsin.

"Beautiful" by James Blunt just came on, and it reminded me of watching Beauty and the Geek with Pete. I miss you, man. Come visit.

Internet

I was going to lay off of internet/cable for a while after I moved in, but I decided that I need internet. I am indeed, a battery-operated Mary Tyler Moore. (If you can tell me what movie that's from without looking it up, you get brownie points.)

So I called time-warner to set it up. Apparently the guy who lived in my apartment before me was, in addition to being phenomenally messy, a deadbeat. He owes time-warner lots of money and equipment. This means that I need to get a notarized copy of my lease with a photo ID faxed to them.

This would be no problem for most people, however I am a huge procrastinator. Therefore, I may not get internet or cable. Ever.

On a lighter note, I received my bed today. I am sitting on it right now! I think everyone should have to sleep on the floor every now and then so they'd have more appreciation for their beds. Also I just made my first cup of coffee in 3 days. It was glorious.

Noon

It's almost noon and I still haven't gotten out of bed. Actually, I should say that I haven't gotten off of air mattress. Yes, that's much more accurate.

Also, shout-out to Kristin, Pete, Megan, Carrie, Sarah, Amy, and all of my other friends I saw while home. I miss you guys. Come visit.

Moving Day

Things that I'll miss:

* Internet access
* Cable TV (Mets game?)
* Critter
* Laundry in Apartment
* Proximity to subway

Yeah, that's it.

Reader of the Week

It's Jess Berline, or as he likes to refer to himself, "Mr. Brocky".

I've known Jess for less than 2 months, but I feel as if we have a bond, a la the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. He is best known for his "Your Mom" jokes, asking me if I am a lesbian, and yelling at me to DRINK and TALK. He has two cats, Peekie and Mattie. And he's single! Oh, wait, no he's not... I forget sometimes.

Jovial
Endearing
Sexy! (I wish there was an M for Man-Candy)
Squash. He plays it. It's a sport of some kind.

Flibbertigibbit. His middle initial is "B", but come on, flibbertigibbit was too good to pass up.

Beer
Easy
Rogue, but not really. I just wanted to use the word.
Lascivious. I'll be honest, I had to look it up, but it's strangely appropriate.
I originally thought his last name was "Brocky," but that was apparently just a huge lie.
Newtonyc.org, which is how I met him but we don't like to tell people that.
Elevated... he's kind of tall... damnit, too many letters.

Horoscope

Put it into words. Whether it's a new business plan, a proposal for a theater production or a declaration of love, you can and should verbalize it today. That might mean writing, that might mean speaking -- heck, it could mean singing. The important thing is that you just don't leave this latest inspiration unsaid. Nobody, after all, can read your mind.

I have no idea what this latest inspiration would be, except maybe DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH. Especially when you don't take Vitamin B-12 first.

Alice in Wonderland

I just realized that the sealing wax in Alice in Wonderland isn't "ceiling wax."

A Great Night of Drinking

Has the following characteristics:

* Some heated political discussion sprinkled with shoutings of "YES! That's exactly what I meant!"

* An embarassing moment

* Someone drinks too much (but it's not you)

* A little side action

* Some sort of rivalry: drinking game, pool, cards, etc.

* Recognizing an old "friend" while you're both wasted

* Closing a bar

* Singing along to a bar song (preferably bad, preferably Jewel)

Um, read this (link)

Fun times in Madtown.

Flight Home

Tuesday, 9:19 PM:

I hate flying.

Highlights of Madison

* Beating Pete at pool
* Holding my own while drinking with Pete et al
* Seeing many people (of course)
* Getting wasted on the terrace with Carrie at 5 PM on Sunday
* Friday fish fry
* Family dinner-party thrown for me
* Almost getting a DUI
* Harry Potter Porn
* Having my flight delayed both going to Madison and returning to New York
* Conversations that you can only have in the dark at 2 am while drunk (and with many analogies)
* Killing fairies
* CFACT Meeting, and seeing CFACTers
* Having my drink bought by a random guy after telling everyone how New York guys buy drinks for me... and how it's great.
* Glaring at anyone who comes within 30 feet of me as I sit in the deserted Madison airport typing this.

Orayduh Reader of the Week (Month, Year, whatever)

Kristin...

Karing
Regal
Insipid... NO!
Sexy
Titi Monkey (The word that came up when I was trying to figure out how to spell titallating)
Illicit
Not Unfunny


Miss Kristin Rh*in*ck
Oh goodness. A naked girl.
Can't wait 'til you come.

Back to Wisco

I'm heading home for a few days. While home, I hope to:

* Meet up with friends
* Buy another Bucky t-shirt, since I just stained mine
* Get some Wisconsin trinkets for NY people (don't expect anything fancy, I'll probably buy it in the airport on the way back)
* See parents, family, etc.
* Drink. Drink lots. Drink lots cheaply.
* Visit terrace. Say goodbye. Cry.
* Clean my crap out of the office. Oh how I've missed you, SpongeBob mousepad.
* Eat cheesecurds
* FAC! (Although I may be there by myself, but I don't care.)
* Ship my blender to myself. Margaritas? Pina Coladas? Getting caught in the rain? Yes, yes, and stop quoting that song.

Anything else?

No, Jason. No.

Yeah, Old Lady

Old Lady had a t-shirt that said:

"Pretty Please Plinko"

That's going to be me.

Bob's Dark Side

Girl spins wheel: gets nickel.

Girl: "I'm definitely spinning again, Bob."

Wheel lands on $1.00.

Bob (very dryly): "Wow, you went over when you had just one nickel. That's a rare case of very bad luck. I hope the rest of your life goes much better."

Plinko!

I love The Price Is Right. I like everything about it. I like how people make assinine shirts exclaiming their school's love for Bob; I like how Bob has to be 146 years old, and looks the exact same he did 50 years ago; I like how the games are almost impossible to play (we're going to a random country and staying at a random hotel -- how much?!); I like how Bob tells me to get my pets spayed or neutered every single day; I like how the only people who participate on the show are college students or retired people; But most of all, I like Plinko.

Beep beep ... beep beep beep... $0!!


Sidenote: The retail price of an ipod was just $600 ($200 more than I have ever seen an ipod sell for).

It's a scam!

Beep beep beep... ... ... beep ... PLINKO!

Yankees or Mets?

I'm still trying to decide if I'm a Yankees fan or Mets fan... I'm fairly indifferent to the Brewers, so that's out.

I went to a Yankees game with my parents. For the most part it was fun. How can spending an afternoon watching baseball, eating hotdogs, and drinking beer in the sunshine ever not be fun? However, I didn't really feel the Yankees allegiance. I'll have to go to a Mets game to contrast and compare.

Proud

I'm proud of the fact that Dan was telling me a story, neither of us realizing he had already told it to me until we came to the point in the story where he used the term "blown off." We then both remembered that I, like the 12-year-old that I am, had made fun of that, and that he had indeed already told me that story.

New York, or places out of your norm

I think everyone should move to a place completely outside of home when they're in their early 20's. I've only been in NYC for about 6 weeks, but I've learned a lot about who I am, and more importantly, who I am not.

It's tragic to see people who never really figured it out, people who still need to validate their identity by the people who are around them, rather than by what is inside of them.

I admire the people who already knew this in high school. I'd like to think that I was one of those people, but I'm not sure.

I'll probably write more about this when it isn't 4:15 AM, but for now, take these sage words of advice:

Be yourself. If your friends don't like it, they're not your friends. If you're in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or simply just not "right", follow your instincts and leave. Never, ever do something you don't want to do to gain the "respect" of your peers. Do what feels good, and take pride in it.

In an ideal culture, this would be imparted on young adults before any geometry or ACT tests or other teenage bullshit is brought into the picture.

Pantyhose

I HATE pantyhose, with a passion. I feel like the feminist movement has not actually succeeded if we are still expected to wear it. If given the choice between the right to vote and the right to not wear pantyhose, I'm not quite sure which one I'd choose.

It is itchy, hell to get on, and tears easily. What is the point of it? It's transparent, so it doesn't count as pants (like tights), and is never worn alone... only with things that would be fine when worn sans pantyhose.

It was obviously invented by a man. He was just sitting there one day when he thought of making uncomfortable, hot, transparent pants for women. Apparently he thought to himself "Great idea, Bob!" His [male] friends probably cheered him on and gave him compliments. It may have been the high point of his entire life.

Sad.

It's like snorkeling.

I swear that I can smell water when I take the subway to Brooklyn.

Paris Theatre

The Paris Theatre has finally changed their movie. It had been "Joyeux Noel" since I moved here, but now it is "Belle De Jour."

I think it's time I buy some crappy candy, a diet coke, and head down to 59th.

Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle.

It wasn't mine.

00 Jeans

I think when you buy a pair of size 00 jeans, they should come with a cheeseburger that you are forced to eat.

Sales

I will buy something for 10 dollars that used to be 12 dollars even though I never really watned it in the first place. I'm saving 2 dollars; how can I not take advantage of that?

Stairs

For some reason the one flight of stairs out of the subway seems significantly longer than the three flights up to my apartment.

Gay Sex

I like that I have Queer as Folk on as my background show. I also like that I just looked up to see two women having sex, and it was about as shocking to me as the Weather Channel.

Can I pull this off?

Children

Sometimes I love kids, sometimes I hate them. Today there was an adorable little girl on the subway. We became friends when she told me about her souvenir-type purse that carried popcorn and could make lots of noise when banged against the wall. Then throughout the subway ride she kept looking at me, waiting for me to look back, and smiling devilishly.

However other kids should be shipped off to boarding school immediately and their parents should be banned from reproducing ever again.

I like to think that if I have kids, they will be the coolest kids ever. Their first words will be something random like "frappuccino" or "asparagus." Although they'll probably be stoned for the first 3 months of their life since I intend on being heavily drugged if anything of THAT size is coming out of THERE.

Distrust

I inherently distrust search engines, especially site-specific ones. Even when I'm using it for it's exact intended purpose (searching for a specific comic on comics.com), I doubt that it will point me in the right direction, even though it always does.

Fake To-Do

Today is my fake to-do day. It's when I cross things off my to-do list that probably shouldn't be on there to begin with, such as:

* Watch my netflix movies. Today's options include Alice in Wonderland, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the original... the new one should be burned), and PeeWee's Playhouse, season 1, disc 1.

* Clean my room, not because it's dirty, but so my nazi-esque roommate doesn't do it again.

* Laundry so I can wear my jeans tonight. I need to buy another pair of pants.

* Buy another pair of pants online. Am I too old for American Eagle?

* Write in my blog. I have many backed up entries in my head.

* Make plan for next week. Where to go? What to see?

* Read my new favorite book "Encyclopedia of an Everyday Life" by Amy Krouse Rosenthal. Thanks Kristin. ;)

* Plan Kristin's trip. I know it's not until the end of May, but I'm very excited.

* Take a nap. Mmm... naps on a rainy day.

* Order groceries. And by groceries I mean $40 worth of Diet Coke and maybe a steak or two.

* Look for apartments online. Harlem, here I come.

I'm so important and busy.

Admiration

There are a lot of chances for me to admire things on the subway.

First of all, I admire people who give up their seats. I know it's technically the law with certain seats, but it still makes me feel warm and fuzzy about the world when I see someone actually do it.

I also admire people who have the self-confidence to sing out loud to a song in front of dozens of people, most of whom hate them for disturbing the peace. However, I also hate them because I'm one of the people who likes the peace.

When I got to New York, I admired people who were so familiar with stops, that they knew which side to stand on to get out on their appropriate platform and what car will be closest to their exit, yet least crowded. Today I realized I'm one of those people, at least with my stop. Knowing this makes me feel happy, and at home.

Breakfast

Breakfast is overrated. Why does everyone say it's the most important meal of the day? I think the other meals will feel sad, possibly suicidal.

My trainer (Richard) told me to have breakfast before our last training session. I thought I did. Apparently "2 large cups of black coffee and some residual toothpaste" does not make a good breakfast.

Today my breakfast is spaghetti sauce, ritz crackers, and coffee with cream and equal. I represent all food groups (the sauce is meat-flavored).

Wait... fruit... oh, my toothpaste is mint flavored. Is mint a fruit?

Character

I feel like I shouldn't have to apologize for things that are instrinsically a part of my character.

For example: I hate talking first thing in the morning, especially small talk. My roommate loves to talk to me right away, I grumble and walk away. I do not feel guilty because it is in my character.

Nothing else matters

We all have circumstances that, when we are in them, nothing else seems to matter. You could be going down in a plane, having sex, or both; none of it matters.

For me, at least one of these circumstances is having to pee. At my "mixer" tonight I drank 2 pitchers of water. I went to the bathroom before I left, thinking I'd be fine, but apparently the water was hiding in my body somewhere. I suspect my left foot.

After a 90 minute subway ride (Brooklyn to UWS, with a train change in-between), I thought I was going to die. The motion of the train, the shape of the chair, the annoying-looking kid across from me... all of it reminded me of my full bladder. I actually had to alter the way I was walking it was so bad. But when I finally got to my apartment, it was fabulous.

My point is that 1. don't drink water, drink alcohol and 2. anything could have happened to me, and nothing would have mattered because my bladder was full.

Other such circumstances:
* Wearing shoes that are too small
* Realizing that I forgot to put on deodorant and am starting to sweat
* Having a sliver

More?

Weather

Weather still amazes me. I have lived in climates with sharp seasonal contrasts forever, but it still shocks me when the seasons change. Today was 78 degrees. I was shocked.

Genuinely Good Day

Today was a great day. My parents left (harsh, I know, but we do best when together in smaller doses), I bought a wireless keyboard (using it now!), I got a manicure, and it's absolutely beautiful outside. 75 and sunny. And best of all, I received my regional job assignment. I'm in Manhattan!!! This is supposedly extremely rare since Manhattan is where they need teachers the least (at least in comparison to Brooklyn and the Bronx). I'm definitely on cloud 9 right now.

Tonight I am going to an "accepted applicant mixer" to meet other teaching fellows. I hope to brag about my awesome placement while they lament about being in the Northern Bronx.

Technically I could stay in my apartment now, since the UWS (Upper West Side) is in my regional assignment, but due to many reasons I won't mention here, I need to move as soon as possible.

Well, at least I had 6 weeks where I wasn't looking for an apartment.

Things I do that are odd.

A running list...

* Shout "BREW NOW" when I click the "Brew Now" button on my coffee maker
* When I inevitably forget to put on some pore minimzer lotion that a nazi-esque saleslady made me buy, I mockingly shout "MY GOD my pores will be HUGE now."

More later.

New Words

We need more new words. Or better words. When my "word of the day" is "cum," it means we have to create some new words.

Today's new word: ferturbed. def: slightly annoyed, but mostly indifferent.

As in: Tourists on the subway wearing matching NYC hats make me ferturbed.

A friend is someone who knows you and loves you just the same.

I believe that I, and my friends, are intrinsically better than other people. I understand that you probably already agree with me since you are reading my blog, but let me go through my evidence anyway.

These are some of the attributes I love about my friends, and also try to emulate.

My friends:

* will take a good pub over a danceclub or a lounge any day of the week. I want a place where I can get a pitcher (and the occasional good cosmopolitan), have a conversation, and listen to music.

* understand that "good" music is based mostly on feelings and experiences associated with songs. Also, anything you can drunkenly sing along to is good music.

* are able to talk after years of being apart as if we have lunch together every day.

* laugh at not only ourselves, but others. Nothing is so serious that we cannot laugh at it. However, we also understand that we cannot make most of our jokes in public.

* don't judge each other based on superficial, non-defining-as-a-person events. You made out with an engaged guy you just met on a stoop? Great! You snorted coke off of a key from a stranger in a public restroom? Fabulous!

* do not choose our clothes or belongings based on what is popular. In fact, when we like something that then becomes popular, we actually like it a little less.

* have a vice. Whether it's alcohol, food, drugs, reading hoaky self-help books while drinking phenomenal amounts of diet coke... it's all good.

* will laugh out loud in public, even when by ourselves.

* are never ashamed of being ourselves, even when it means crying, drunk-dialing, or otherwise violating societal norms.

* are brutally honest. Yes, that shirt does make you look fat, but the haagen-dazs doesn't help either.

* are there for each other. Cat died? Boyfriend left? Girlfriend is dumb? TV is kind of staticky? Call me.

* will tell each other when we're repeating a story. Unless the person telling it is really excited about the story, then we'll just nod and smile.

* are not afraid to be the annoying ones. Playing a 1980's version of trivial pursuit during finals week in the quiet room of the university cafe? Excellent. The answer is East Berlin, by the way.

* are random. M: "Do you ever think that you're talking, and no one is really listening?" L: "... my boobs look really big in this top... what were you saying?"

* know that we're funny. Even when other people disagree, we shake our heads and wonder what's wrong with them.

* are not completely sane. We might be manic, or depressed, or bipolar, or just be a little out of it. But, we know that it just makes life more interesting, which is good.

* are unique, despite having most of these things in common.

I am picky with friends. I believe there are several criteria that have to be fulfilled before someone is a "friend" and not just an acquaintance. A friendship of convenience is an oxymoron.

Friends must:

* know each other for at least a year. If it's less than a year, you can't know for sure.

* step up to at least one challenge. Being a friend is a privilege, not a right, and it must be earned.

* be able to be quiet with each other.

* be comfortable with each other. The more comfortable you are, the better. (Although, there are limits... Pete... I don't care if you are genetically flatulent, and Megan... knock louder next time you're early to meet me)

* have seen each other at a not-so-great point. Passed out on the toilet? Crying over a not-worth-it significant other? Falling on your ass? Actually admitting that you watch American Idol? All of these work.

* have at least one inside joke that will always be funny. Some great ones: *It's just Jews... *PIckle-palooza *Nu-unh, he gets the sperm *Life is like a cup of tea, it's all you know how to make.

* experience a "first" together. It must be a first for both of you. The bigger the experience, the better. Highlights from my list of firsts: haunted houses, the Antigo historical museum, gay-pride festival, gay bar, and several illegal activites I won't list here.

* be willing to share chapstick, soda, food, whatever. Random, yes, but still true.

* take your side in a fight. Yes it sounds a little 5th-grade, but it's even more important now.

* be willing to read your insanely long blog entries written at 2:30 AM and comment on them, telling you much how they love them and you, and that they're going to come visit you in New York City. Unless they live in New York City, in which case they are going to buy you a beer.

Girl Drama

Freaks me out. Like on Mean Girls. I can't handle it. Guys are so much simpler. And Kristin is too. And Megan. And Carrie. And any of my other female friends who read this.

11:55 AM, Today

Employee (guy): Yeah, I mean he was cute and everything, and I would've probably fucked him anyways, but I thought he was going to give me money, but then he didn't, and I was like, you know, disappointed.

Customer (old guy): You need money?

Employee: Yeah, I mean, the sex was good and all, but it was with a guy, so you know... money would be nice.

Title: Just for the thrill of it

Songs:

1. Just a Ride -- Jem
2. What About Everything -- Carbon Leaf
3. I Wish -- Skee-Lo
4. Video Killed the Radio Star -- Buggles
5. I Wear My Sunglasses At Night -- Corey Hart
6. Everyday -- Dave Matthews Band
7. You Gotta Be -- Des'ree
8. Que Sera Sera -- Doris Day
9. Proud -- Heather Small
10. Legend of a Cowgirl -- Imani Coppola
11. The Rainbow Connection -- Kermit the Frog
12. What a Wonderful World -- Louis Armstrong
13. Free to Be You and Me -- Marlo Thomas
14. 99 Luft Balloons -- Nena
15. Wig in a Box -- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

** This is a first draft.

Lindseytrack (like Soundrack, but with Lindsey... get it?)

Everyone should have their own soundtrack.

Here are the guidelines:

* 8-15 songs
* Each song should have a different reason for being on the list
* Don't be too obvious (Don't Worry Be Happy can't be on everyone's list)
* Don't just pick songs you like! God!
* The reasons shouldn't be immediately obvious (e.g. "I'm not a hollaback girl, so I'm going to pick that hollaback girl song!")
* You shouldn't pick the hollaback girl song
* The entire soundtrack, when put together, should represent where you are in your life right now; you don't need to talk about your history, or your future -- only as it connects to right now.
* Make sure you actually get the message of the song. It doesn't matter that it sounds happy if it's about how he killed a puppy for his dead girlfriend.
* Be proud of every song, and its reason for being on the list, even if its connotation isn't positive at first glance



These are the official soundtrack rules. Let me know if I've forgotten any.

I will now spend the 20 hours before my test picking my perfect soundtrack. You people know me (hopefully, unless you're CMB, or a stalker), anything I should add?

Impending Doom

Ever feel like something bad, yet undefined, is about to happen?

I assume it's a similar feeling to that of Anne Frank when she thought she heard the doorbell downstairs.


I'm going to get crap for this one, aren't I?

Review Question

Where is the pituitary gland located?

Answer: In the head.

Awake at 7:00 AM!

In an attempt to prepare for my test in a way that doesn't involve studying, I've started waking up early. Today I got up at 7:00 AM. Some of the more observant of you will say, no, you posted this at 8:00 AM. Well, it has taken me an hour to figure out what my name is and what that infernal beeping was.

However, I now have coffee and a toaster streudel and am watching Saved By the Bell. Zack had a crazy plan, but it backfired! Oh they are so original. I think it's time for another made-for-TV reunion movie.

Also, when is a cell phone company going to jump on my Zack Morris phone idea? It would be cheap to make, easy to sell, and incredibly fashionable. I want one in purple, with rhinestones.

Failure is Okay.

Last night, in order to procrastinate more, I went out for "a drink." Long story short, ended up going to sleep at 10 a.m. this morning. I just woke up and am watching The Ellen Degeneres Show that I recorded.

Best line of the night, other than the meat metaphor: "So, this guy in the bathroom asked me to snort some blow off of a key, and of course I did..."

Procratination

It is AMAZING the lengths I will go to to procrastinate.

I'm now watching a baseball game instead of studying.

I'm going to fail this test and be jobless forever. Forever!!

But ooh, the mets are winning.

It's time for a new

AIM screen name. I need ideas, because the last one was kind of a bust.

It must be:
* Funny
* Memorable
* Able to stand the test of time (aka, not "LindsinNYC")

Possible ideas:
* Smurfette
* Diet Coke
* Mike (my original name)
* Bootsrap Whore (Thanks Pete)

Maybe something to do with:
* Diet Coke
* Friday the 13th
* Queer as Folk
* Law and Order

Help!!

Blogging Sabbatical

I may not be posting for a while because my certification test is on Saturday.

Or, I will be posting a lot because I'll be procrastinating studying.

The latter is much more likely. Hence, this post at 3:13 AM.

What ever hapened to mystery?

Jess is nosy.

I Miss FAC

It makes me sad that "drink specials" in NYC are $10 pitchers of Bud Light.

It's 4:10 PM here, and it's Friday, and I should be drinking. :(

Yo-J

Does anyone remember Yo-J?  It was like juice, but also like yogurt.  I remember liking it.  

I notice that I remember liking a lot of things from my childhood, but once I experience them again, my illusion is shattered.  

Examples:
* Clarissa Explains It All
* Barbies
* Grape soda
* Glow-worm
* My Little Ponies

There are also things that are just as good as I remember them, if not better.

* PeeWee's Playhouse
* Fraggle Rock
* Those long thin popsicles that you get in boxes of 8 million that come in flavors of purple, red, and heaven
* McDonald's birthday cake (I haven't actually had this in the last decade or so, but those sugar decorations will always be fabulous)
* Late-night soft-core porn
* Muppets

Feel my muscle. No, feel it.

I joined a gym on Wednesday, for several reasons.

* They are ingenious marketers.  I went to their website (Crunch) and entered to win a free membership.  However, I did not ask to get info on joining.  The next day I get a phone call "Congratulations you have won a free membership!"  It turns out I need to go to the gym to scratch off a card to see how long my free membership is.  This got me thinking, so I went back to their website, and lo and behold (who says lo and behold?!  apparently me.) everyone wins a free membership.  Most of them are for a week, but they can go up to a year.  So, I walk into the gym to "claim my prize" knowing that it is a ruse.  Remember that.

As I'm filling out the requisite mother's-maiden-name, favorite-childhood-toy, best-sexual-position-in-a-bathroom form, Colin approaches me.  He is very chatty, almost forcibly so.  He takes me back to his desk where he tries to get me excited about winning the contest.  I say to Colin, "Colin, I'm on to you.  I know it's a ruse.  I'm smarter than you think I am, so stop talking down to me and get me a Diet Coke," or something similar.  He laughs and says that I should just scratch off my damn card.  I do, and win a free week (which is actually losing, in this ruse-of-a-game).  He decides that this means he should give me a tour.  I agree, but only for reason 2 listed below.

The gym was good. It had gym-type machines, and fit-type people which is pretty much all I expect in a gym. Also it had that wonderful gym smell. It's a clever mix of sweat, cleaning supplies, energy, and hatred. I'd buy it in a glade candle. They also have a boxing ring. If I had a nickel for every time I've felt the need for a boxing ring... um...

So, we end the tour, and we sit down to talk prices. Keep in mind, I still feel smart because I have figured them out. To make a long story short, I have now committed to a one-year membership and 20 personal training sessions. This was, in Pete's words: "an orgy of bad judgment." But like Colin and Rob and every one of their cult-like sales people said, this is an investment in Me. Whatever, I fell for their marketing. I even fell beyond their marketing.

Colin: "You should get 10 personal training sessions."
Rob: "Or 15."
Lindsey: "Okay, I'll get 20. Can I get a t-shirt too?"

My personal trainer's name is Richard. His chest is quite wide and he is very tall. When he found out he was my trainer he looked me up and down and got an evil smile on his face, like he was envisioning the pain he was going to put me through. I believe that he is a sadist.

Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, reasons my gym rocks.

* Chris Meloni goes to my gym. He does. My roommate saw him there. This may be the motivation I need to work out.

* http://www.crunch.com/downloads/index.asp Check out the commercials on the bottom. (Sidenote-how do I do the hyperlink thing?)

* The walls are crazy colors, like purple and red. It's like the 80's, but with more sweat. (I know, how could there be more sweat than the 80's?! There just is, my friend. There just is.)

* I am signed up for a full year, so I need to feel that it's awesome to justify my money-spending. Yay for self-delusion.

I still think...

that Joey should've ended up with Dawson.  

I know it's been years, and it was only a TV show, but come on.  

Dear CMB,

I like that you read my blog. I like that anyone reads my blog. It's just that I'm so shocked when my friends actually read it, I find it difficult to believe that someone who doesn't know me finds me amusing.

Please, read on, and respond often. I dedicate this post (and the next one which will most likely be much more intersting than this one) to you.

Gay for a Day

If you were gay for a day (or straight for a day, if you are actualy gay), who would be your "Person-to-sleep-with"?  

Mine would be, without a doubt, Supernanny.   

I hope she brings the "Naughty chair."

And if you're bisexual... I don't want to hear about it.

Girls' Night Out

I decided to harness my waking-up-at-4 PM energy and go out again tonight. I went out dancing, which was a mistake from the beginning. The extent of my dancing is the off-beat headbob and the sprinkler. It was pretty much what I expected with one exception: the bathroom. They had guys to open the stall door for you, pump the soap pump, and turn the water on. And they had mints.

I did, however, have an intersting drink called "The Fat Black Pussycat" which was also the name of the club. It was black, with a cherry, and it tasted like childhood in a glass.

I put this photo up because it was the one I looked best in. The guy in the photo is Robert (I think). I'm not good with names.

Ungh

Tonight (last night) was by far the weirdest since I came to NY.  It's possibly the most random of my life, but I'm far too close to it to make that kind of assumption.

Rather than give the blow by blow rundown, I'll tell you what sticks out in my head.

Citibar, pool, cuestick to eye, am nicknamed blowjob queen (what?!), $100, wait no - $50, laugh.

Bar Coastal, break up fight about cuestick to eye, continue to be referred to as blowjob queen.

Cab, people from Wisconsin beat women, guy threatens Dan, Dan threatens me, constant cycle.

Some strip club, people on my lap, dollars in g-strings, more almost-fights, no $20!, bathrooms without doors, goodbye Alan. (Is that even your name?)

Home with Dan, no food places deliver at 4 am, shh-don't wake Critter.

Gas station, donuts, pizza combos, bad sandwiches, diet coke.

Home again, TV shows, why is it light out at night?, goodbye Dan, blog, bed at 6:28 AM.  

Sleep forever.

Poll

You realize that polls are to get your own answers, not to vote on my answers, right?

Poll: Things That Are Underrated

*  Owning a pet
*  Watching cartoons
*  Most of our rights/privileges
*  Good friends
*  An ice-cold just-beginning-to-freeze can of Diet Coke on a hot summer day
*  Samantha Brown (Travel Channel)
*  Not being sick
*  Sarcasm
* Roof Access
* Drinking soda in the shower

Poll: Things That Are Overrated

*  Maturity
*  Good grades
*  Waking up early
*  Solitude
*  Money
*  Advances of technology
*  Speaking a second language
*  Being completely drug-free 
*  Multi-tasking electronics
*  The importance of one vote

Just Give Up

I'm watching The View (during commercials of The Price is Right while I waited for the super to fix our shower.... just wanted to make sure that you know I don't normally watch The View).  There's a guy, Larry Norton, talking about cancer.  In the five minutes that I've been watching he has said that we might get cancer because:

*Our skin doesn't see the sun enough, and when it does it's protected
*We don't take enough Vitamin D
*We don't take enough calcium
*We take vitamins in pill-form instead of in food-form
*Smoking
*We take too many vitamins

Basically what I'm getting is that we don't know.  The only non-confusing one is smoking, but even 60% of people with lung cancer never smoked a cigarette in their life (according to the sign in the subway).  Some studies show that not having kids increases your risk of cancer.  

In the end there are very few things we know for sure.  Don't beat yourself up for smoking every once in a while, or having a soda, or forgetting your vitamin.  Maybe that "mistake" will be the thing that keeps you cancer-free.  

I'm aware that this makes me sound like one of those people who distrust "science" and the "government," but I'm not. Studies that actually get published are put through a rigorous screening process. However, it is important to look at what the study actually found rather than the conclusions that other people make from it.

Okay, that's my public service announcement. Now back to the pointless dribble. Yay!

When I buy a new book I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friends, is a dark side.

The best type of movie quote is one that is good even if you have not seen the movie. When Harry Met Sally is a very quotable movie. I like it.

Other quoteable movies:

*Ghostbusters - "Listen! Do you smell something?"

*Harold and Kumar - "You know the Holocaust? Picture the exact opposite of that."

*Hedwig - "When I think of all the people I have come upon in my travels I must think of all the people who have come upon me."

*Queer as Folk - "The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. They say that men think about sex every 27 seconds. Of course, that's straight men. With gay men it's every 9."

*Sex and the City - "Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."

*The Matchmaker - "Is being an idiot like being high all the time? No, it's like constantly being right."

*Bridget Jones' Diary - "At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible and eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable. I have two choices: To give up, and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by dogs-or not. This time I choose not."

*PCU - Pres. Garcia Thompson: "You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day. You installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps and, most recently, you dumped 100 pounds of... MEAT on a peaceful vegan protest!
Droz: "Oh, come on! That was way more than 100 pounds."

*Breakfast at Tiffany's - "You could always tell what kind of a person a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you. I must say, the mind reels."

*Ferris Bueller - "I do have a test today. that wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who cares if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car."

*Tommy Boy - "It's called reading! Top to bottom, left to right... a group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps."


I love a good movie quote.

Is suicide the answer? No. Muppet porn is the answer.

I've decided to become a better person.  Some of you might think that this means living a healthier lifestyle, or picking up litter, or not kicking infants with terminal diseases.  No, none of these.  I have decided to join a suicide hotline.

Actually, I decided to interview.  I'm not quite sure if I want to do it yet since it requires 40 hours of training, three 5-hours shifts and one weekday overnight shift a month, and is fairly high-stress.

The interview was in the village, which I haven't explored nearly enough, so I went 3 hours early.  I found a Chipotle (yay!) and a pet store, but more about that later.  When I finally got to the interview place (a church), they had me fill out an application.  It had a lot of odd questions on it, such as "How would you describe your political / religious / moral views?"  They left 2 lines for me to answer.  First, I thought "Screw you, that is none of your goddamn business.  All you need to know is that I don't think people should kill themselves."  Second - two lines?!  You're asking me to put my entire philosophy on everything in two lines?!  I ended up writing something incredibly vague, like "I think puppies should not be made into large jackets." Thankfully they didn't question me on it.

As I was filling out this odd application, a mouse ran out of the bench I was sitting on, hit my foot, paused, then ran back in.  No one else saw it, but I'm pretty sure I now have the plague.  I then tried to catch it, keep it as a pet, and name it Sigmund, but failed miserably.

When we had all filled out our applications (except Sigmund, who may or may not actually exist), we all crowded into a tiny elevator to get to the second floor. The doors closed, and we didn't go anywhere. Apparently you need to press the floor you were on, the floor you wanted to go to, and then the floor you were on again. It took them a while to figure it out, and I was incredibly tempted to screan "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF IF I DON'T GET OUT OF THIS ELEVATOR!," just to see what an elevator full of suicide counselors would do. I didn't scream anything, though, and now I regret it.

During the actual one on one interview, they seemed to really want to find some horrible event in my past that made me want to be a hotline worker. Finally my interviewer said "Well, we can't all be schizophrenic incest survivors." I think he was kidding... I think...

I'm also looking at other volunteer opportunities. I'm waiting to hear back from the Harlem YMCA and I submitted an application to CASA-NYC (http://www.casa-nyc.org/). If you have any ideas of other stuff I can do, let me know.

And no, Jason, that's not what I meant.

Fun Quotes

"Well, not everyone can be a schizophrenic survivor of incest..." 

--My Suicide Hotline Interviewer

Childhood Memories + Alcohol = Endless Fun!

I think they should open bars reminiscent of my childhood memories. If there was a bar called "PeeWee's Playhouse," I'd be there all the time. And I'd be drunk. They could even have a word of the day!

We could also have a general "Child of the 80's bar"
Ideas: (Ahh, what the hell, let's make this a poll too)

My Little Pony jello shots
Drunken LiteBrite
Fraggles vs. Doozers drinking games
How much can you drink during the Eureka's Castle theme?
Simon Says... Drink!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Night. Aprils drink for free!

If I had any sort of start-up money, I'd open this bar. If someone reads this and does it, I expect to drink for free, forever.

Poll #1

In an attempt to have more blog posts with less work on my part, I am starting a series of polls.

You should answer the poll in the comments section, and sign your name. If you don't answer the poll, well, you're ruining it for everyone. RUINING IT!!!

Anywho, poll #1: Pet Peeves - What's your current biggest pet peeve?

Mine: People who walk slowly in front of you taking up the entire sidewalk.

Couple stops walking in busy sidewalk.
Man: "Honey is that the Empire State building?" (points at small newsstand)
Woman: "No, I think it's the Sears Tower... or Ground Zero."
Man: "Let's stand here, blocking the sidewalk, for several hours to ponder it."
Woman: "Okay, honey."

These people shouldn't be allowed to walk in public ever again. In fact, we should punish them publicly, a la Biblical stoning, so that they will serve as an example for everyone else.

Man: "Honey why are there so many yellow cars in New York City?"
Woman: "Hmm, I never noticed. Look, there's another one. And they all have lights on them!"
Man: "Let's call Bobby and ask him, maybe he kno- OWW! MY EYE! I'M BLINDED!"
Lindsey: "And let that be a lesson to the rest of you."

Technology

Technology is a filthy whore.

No, I mean literally. Sure, it's good for what you want. And if you don't know what you're missing, it'll do just fine. However, think about your favorite fruits of technology.

*The Ipod. I love my iPod, but that doesn't stop it from breaking once a month.

*My Coffeemaker. You know I love my coffeemaker, and those of you who have seen it know that it is high-class (and red!). It can set the temperature of my coffee, the strength, it can brew at a certain time, it beeps when it's done brewing, it beeps when the heater shuts off, and it does a little dance when I'm sad. It even tells me, pictorially, how fresh the current coffee is. HOWEVER, it does not clean itself. I couldn't care less about what temperature my coffee is when it brews (since 90% of the time I forget that I've even poured the cup until it's cold anyways), but I hate to clean it. Actually, last time I really had to clean my coffee maker I bought a new one (the current one).

*This blog. Check out the picture. I did spellcheck on my last post, and it flagged "blog".

I think the person we need to blame is Thomas Vedison (the inventor of the television), obviously.

Where is Lindsey?

Where has Lindsey been? Has she died? Why isn't she posting in her blog? And most importantly, why is she talking in the third person?!

If you know me (and I hope you do if you're reading this), you know that I start things and then walk away. Sometimes for years. When I started knitting in high school, I started with a scarf for my Mom. She's still waiting. In my lifetime, I have started the following hobbies:

* Suncatcher Painting
* Stamp Collecting
* Paint by Number
* Macrame
* Needlepoint
* Movie-making
* Writing (several times)
* Sculpting (I made an excellent wizard, but have yet to buy the glass crystal to glue to his hands. It's been 13 years so it probably won't be happening any time soon.)
* Oil painting (This is a current one, even though I haven't painted in months. I bought $300 worth of supplies, so I have to say that I'll re-start any time now.)

... And so many more.

The moral of the story is that I lose interest, so either harangue me into posting or just sit tight and wait. The former is preferred since this wouldn't be the first blog that I abandoned. Like that child, in Reno.

Pi Day

It's Pi Day.  Because pi is 3.14, and today is March 14 (3/14), get it?  

I'm going to celebrate by having a diet coke.  I don't want any crappy New York pie.  I want my Grandma's pie.  But that's not an option, so I will use Diet Coke instead.

Don't Judge Me!

Today is Taylor Hanson's birthday.  Yes, Mr. Hanson is another year older.  I don't know what's sadder, the fact that I remembered this, or that when I played MmmBop (in his honor), I still knew all of the words and most of the grunts.  

Best not to dwell on this for too long.  

Happy Birthday, Taylor, and remember:  When you get old and start losing your hair, can you tell me who will still care?  Oh yeah, who will care?  MmmBop.  

I'll care, Taylor.  I will care.  

Damn you, Pigeon.

All I wanted was a cute little photo of the goddamn pigeon, but NO. Well, screw you, you dirty dirty fowl.

What's next, unicorns?

Did you know that ice cream trucks actually exist? They even make the little music-box sound too! Crazy.

Baby Red Gym, or Mario Castle?

Photo Album (click me)

Since I've been taking a lot of photos lately, I decided to open an online photo account. I looked at several different companies and decided to use Ofoto because of their tagline.

However, despite their tagline they do not offer free pot. I asked.

I'm not sure how to get people to view it, but try clicking on "Photo Album." If it doesn't work, email me and I will invite you to view it. Then it will always work for you.

Also you have to have an Ofoto account to view them. This is a safety measure, so if you complain to me about it... you will not have Lindsey-photo access! Sad for you. Anyways, I'm pretty camera-happy so I'll be posting a lot of photos so it'll be worth it to you to have an account.

To do in NYC

I've been trying to follow some sort of schedule of sightseeing.  If I didn't, it'd be June and I would've left my apartment twice.  Maybe.  

So here's the list as of now:

Guggenheim
MOMA
The Met
Bronx Zoo
The Bodies Exhibition
Madame Tussauds Wax Museum
Ellis Island
Empire State Building
Coney Island
Wall Street
St. Mark's Place
The Early Show
Washington Square Park
Cathedral of St. John the Divine
Chrysler Building
NY Public Library (Ghostbusters!)
NY Stock Exchange
Saint Patrick's Cathedral
Calvary Cemetery

Anything I'm missing?  Let me know.

Mondays

Why is it that everywhere I want to go tomorrow is closed Mondays?  Didn't we fight for 7-day service in one of our wars?  

I did however find a diner that I love.  The food is good, they have diet coke in cans, it's great for people watching, and they let me sit there and study.  It is fabulous.  Also, surprisingly, the coffee isn't bad.  I might live there.

Public Access

I've recently become obsessed with public access TV.  It's great, because one minute it can be something very uplifting, then some old guy talking about a cult, then amateur porn, then maybe a kid's show.  

You can watch it at http://www.mnn.org/

And there are four channels.  Four!

True?

Scorpio (me)


The Scorpio will stop at nothing to fulfil their desires. They are power-hungry, domineering and ruthless. But apart from these good qualities the Scorpio can also be very jealous. If you are proud of an accomplishment they will take great pleasure in demoralising you and will undermine your success. Obsession with sex is of course their greatest interest. It’s easy to fall in love with them but, like a praying mantis, they will destroy you when it’s all over. Scorpios are hopeless as care assistants but they are excellent prostitutes, inquisitors and interrogators.


The Scorpio lover is greedy and intense and takes no interest in his partner’s satisfaction. They are completely amoral and display no tenderness or affection. They will sleep with anybody.

Hmm

Apparently post about broken blog fixed broken blog.  I am genius.  Worship me.

Death of Blog

Why is my blog not working?

Bzzzz

I miss my tickle-me-cookie-monster. It was vaguely sexual, but generally he was just a good guy. "Hah hah hah hee, Hah hah hah hee, Oh boy oh boy!"

Apparently this is a photo of tickle-me-cookie-monster during his bondage years. He's a good little buddy, but the crack got to him. Stay away from drugs, kids!

Naturally Nocturnal

I believe that I am meant to sleep during the day.  It is after 4:00 AM, and I'm completely alert.  I haven't had any caffeine, and I didn't sleep a lot last night.  

This leads me to the obvious conclusion:  my ancestors were flying squirrels.

Reeve

Not to be a complete bitch, but why is the public so upset about Christopher Reeve's wife's death? People die all the time. Yes she had cancer, but people die from that all the time too. Yes her husband died and they had kids, but again, it happens all the time. And those kids are significantly better off than most in their position.

It's sad when anyone dies, but I don't see why it's more sad when certain people die.

Seinfeld

Randomly happened upon Jerry's restaurant. Did you ever notice that the inside never matches the outside? It's an eternal mystery.

Life is Complete

Grocery by my apartment. Now I can see how people can go their entire life without ever leaving their block. Seriously, what more could you possibly need?

Not enough cowboy on cowboy action

Last Friday I went to an event for people who are "new to NYC." I felt a little dumb, but I wanted to get out of the apartment. At said event I met some decently nice people, had quite possibly the worst cosmopolitan ever made, and freaked out my mom by telling her that I was going out at night by myself in New York City. She strongly believes that it is is a fluke that I have not yet been murdered.

Saturday Dan (Manna) and I went to a Mexican place where we had burritos that were stuffed with what tasted like rats. The atmosphere contributed to the badness. I didn't think anything wraped in a tortilla could be so foul (with the exception of my 10th grade math teacher, but that's a long story).

We then went to brokeback mountain. I didn't like it, and this is why:

*Very little naked cowboy sex. Very little. Just enough to keep me from asking for my money back.

*Guy in front of us kept glaring at me/Dan. We were in the makeout seats in the back! It's expected that we're loud! Just be glad that we were talking and not making squishing sounds.

*The theatre didn't have nuclear squirms. Nor did they have sprite. It's a horrible world we live in. Also, the bathrooms smelled and had a long line.

*The movie script seemed to be written in about 5 minutes.

*There was very little lead-up to them being gay. It was just sort of "well, we're sleeping in the same tent, we might as well have anal sex." Although this has happened many times before, it didn't seem to work in the film.

*I saw Michelle Williams' boobs. It ruined Dawson's Creek for me forever. Either that or made it much more interesting... No! It ruined it!

*Dee-pak, a colorful limo driver we met on the way to the movie, didn't see it with us. It's a shame, because we would've filled the make-out row then.

All of these combined made for a mediocre movie-viewing experience. Thank God I had such a tall person to talk to, or it wouldn't have been a fun night.

Random side note, as mentioned by Dan, a horrible safeword for anal sex is "Harder." Remember that, kiddies.

Kristin

I have reason to believe that my friend Kristin is going to run away and get married to a guy she met on the facebook.  I have this, and only this to say to her:

Not to harp on a cow, but I know that you will run away to Disneyworld to get married.  And although I realize that they have many witnesses such as Cinderella and Mickey, you really sould have a witness who isn't wearing a costume.  So, you should take me.  Also, take a guy who is single and attractive to keep me company.  If he can hold a conversation, that's good too, but not required.

And I have to say that your wedding should be in the tower of terror, and that you should kiss right when the tower drops.  And then drop the bouquet so it gets stuck in the fans and no one ever gets married again.  Except me, to this attractive single somewhat-intelligent guy that you are going to set me up with.  

And then we'll all go to Epcot center, where you can have your honeymoon in fake-France while I get drunk with my new husband in fake-Germany.  

It's a plan.

Cool people

Did you ever notice that the coolest people in the world are your friends?  I believe this for two reasons:

1.  I chose them to be my friends, therefore they are worthy of coolness.

2.  They chose me as a friend, which makes them cool just in itself.

Some may say, what if, empirically, I am not cool?  Then would my friends be un-cool by extension?  I say to you:  Die.  And stop reading my blog, uncool person.

I wrote this at 3:30 AM, so don't give me any crap about it's lack of coolness.  Cool?  

Awkward!

God I'm awkward.  When my roommate was gone this weekend I:

1. broke the washer and flooded the apartment (and I believe the downstairs neighbor's apartment)
2. broke living room curtain when I tried to raise it
3. broke the kitchen light by turning it on.... 
4. sliced my thumb open while opening my fraggle rock calendar
5. hurt my other finger when I was closing the band-aid case

You shouldn't trust me in your house, next to small children, or with sharp objects... ever.

Spackling

It's 4:30 a.m. and I just woke up to go to the bathroom.  However, when I opened my door I saw that the light was on.  My roommate couldn't sleep and decided to spackle the bathroom window.  So, I'm now sitting awake waiting for her to finish so that I can pee.  

Weird?  

Night 1

I'm in my bedroom, but I won't get to publish this until morning since I shipped my wireless router.  I'd check to see when it was getting here, but since I don't have internet, I can't.  When it gets here, I'll be sure to check that the tracking website says that it got here.  

I have a TV / VCR / DVD player in my room, but I only get about half the channels (which of course are the channels I want to watch).  Right now I'm watching MNN, the Manhattan Neighborhood Network.  The show is called "The Church of Go Shoot Yourself."  I'm a fan.

Plans for tomorrow:
1.  Sleep in.  Late.  
2.  Receive boxes from UPS.  Unpack.
3.  Call Dan.
4.  Find Diet Coke and Starbucks.

The apartment is amazing.  There are about 3583 rooms.  The cat is cute, it's very nicely decorated, and there's a ton of storage space.  AND, it's literally 20 feet from Central Park.  I can see Central Park from the living room window.  I'll post photos... well... when I take them.  And when I find my camera cord.  There are so many trials and tribulations with moving.    

Airplane Fun

7:20 EST
I type this while I'm on my plane to New York. I'm also watching The Amityville Horror (the original, of course) on my computer. I had the great pleasure of being searched and frisked by a somewhat attractive, although not my type, security woman. Now the flight attendant is coming with the soda cart. I hope they have diet coke. It's the little things that make me happy.

7:22 EST
They did have diet coke! And it's in a can! And it's cold! I was going to buy some at the airport, but they, for some reason, didn't have any in the entire place. It's like a sign that I belong somewhere else... where diet coke roams free and not everything has a picture of cheese on it (even the cheese had a picture of cheese on it). However, I did buy my new roommate a cheesehead magnet. I suspect that she will love me forever because of this grand gesture. I also bought a pink stuffed frog.
I'd make something up about us starting a new adventure together, but I actually just like how it looks. So, here I am on my plane, with my laptop on watching a classic horror movie with a can of diet coke and a pink little frog. I'd be perfectly happy to stay here forever if the guy behind me didn't keep annoying playing with a loud plastic bag.

7:30 EST
I'm in the perfect seat to re-enact the classic twilight zone "There's... there's someone on the wing!" moment. But I think I've lost any credibility I had when I spent 30 minutes untangling my headphones, only to decide that I wanted the other headphones that were in my bag, untangled.

7:32 EST
To guy behind me: Die. Stop making bag sounds, and die.

7:33 EST
Note to anyone reading this over my shoulder: This is not a death threat, per se, but more of a death hope.

7:34 EST
Note to guy behind me, if you can read this: If this being a death threat would stop you making bag sounds, it is a death threat. To everyone else, especially prosecutors or airline staff of some kind, see 7:33 EST.

7:38 EST
Figured out that I can change my word document to be blue, with white text. I'm not sure why this function exists, and why it's blue and white and not, say, green and purple, but I like it.

7:40 EST
Realized that very few people are still reading this, but will continue to write for the remainder of the flight (70 minutes) to amuse myself.

7:41 EST
Woman two rows up is working on what appears to be the most boring powerpoint presentation ever created. I have a pink frog, cool movie, and soda. I am by far a much cooler person.

7:42 EST
I just itched my nose, and I think the woman next to me thinks I picked it. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to tell her that I was just scratching.

7:43 EST
Decided not to initiate conversation with woman, because I may have to pick my nose before we land, and she will inevitably see it and think that I was lying when I said I was scratching it.

7:44 EST
Realized I couldn't care less if the woman next to me believes I picked my nose.


7:45 EST
Do you ever hurt your finger in the area between the flesh and the nail? I did.

7:46 EST
Kid on movie just snapped off finger in window. I made a loud noise of surprise when it happened and now people are staring. They have good reason to suspect that I am crazy (pink frog is still sitting on tray).

7:47 EST
BAG GUY I WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME AND KILL YOU. I'LL DO IT. POUR THE FUCKING WHATEVER ON YOUR FUCKING TRAY AND THROW THE FUCKING BAG AWAY.

7:48 EST
Old woman just walked to bathroom. Question for Darby (new roommate, flight attendant): What happens when someone dies mid-flight? Where do they put the body? In an overhead storage compartment? I should probably wait until after we have a few other conversations to ask her this...

7:51 EST
Old woman returns. She didn't die, but we have a good hour left of flight time to go.

7:52 EST
I want another diet coke.

7:54 EST
There is a wireless network called "Free Public Wifi," but it doesn't work for me. I think it's a trick.

7:55 EST
THERE'S,... THERE'S,... THERE'S SOMEONE... SOMEONE ON THE WING!

7:55:30 EST
Just kidding.

7:56 EST
Damnit. I should've brought "Lost" to play. Now that's a good airplane show. That and "The Langoliers." My friend Brian and I were going to have an entire airline company where the tickets were absurdly cheap, and we'd show airplane horror movies on the flight for free, but charge hundreds of dollars for earplugs and eye masks (which I realize now are called "blindfolds" by people who... know... words...).

7:58 EST
We're flying above one of the great lakes. Its probably one of those unimportant ones, like Erie or the one that starts with an "O".

8:02 EST
If you need to kill time in the middle of a horror movie, insert a little kid singing a religious song. "Jesus Loves Me" works great. If the kid could also have an imaginary friend that isn't so imaginary, that'd be great too.

8:09 EST
I have renamed my frog "Thomas Jeffrey." Reminder - look up name to see if it's already taken by someone. It was originally named "Baubles", but it didn't suit him. Also, I believe that it is a male frog that is comfortable enough with his froggy sexuality to be pink rather than a female frog, which is what the nametag implied.

8:13 EST
The cross on the movie is turned upside-down! What does it mean?! Thomas and I are intrigued.

8:14 EST
Lesson learned from movie: Don't perform amateur exorcisms. I wonder if there are exorcism classes. Class 1: Pea Soup is your enemy, not your friend. Class 2: The power of Christ compels you. Class 3: Stairs, ouija boards, also not your friend. Class 4: Dress for success (black shirt, white collar).

8:19 EST
Have to pee, but think that taking computer with me might be frowned upon. Will try to wait. Damn diet coke... so good, but so fast traveling.

8:20 EST
This movie is very similar to "The Shining". Crazy Mom, crazier Dad, weird kid with un-imaginary friend, being driven crazy by weird building. Red Rum. Red Rum!

8:24 EST
We are either about to crash, hitting turbulence, about to land, or my bladder is exploding. All seem equally likely.

8:25 EST
Thomas Jeffrey definitely looks stoned. His eyelids are droopy and his pupils are dilated. I like it.

8:42 EST
Had to put computer away because ears weren't popping. They should show video of a person yawning to help people out. I resorted to fake-nose blowing and taking a little red pill that is a decongestent, or something similar.

8:44 EST
Lights of city are amazing. It's very dark out and they are actually twinkling. In big cities, at night, I always feel like a little kid in absolute awe. I like to think about what each of the lights are. One is a grandma making cookies for her grandson, one is a couple settling into their first night as husband and wife, one is an apartment getting robbed, etc.

8:46 EST
We're landing!