Ode to Coffee

Coffee
Black or with cream and equal,
Italian, from Starbucks, brewed on extra-strong,
I love you.

Coffee.

Coffee
You are made in my beautiful red coffee-maker,
Black and hot, you come out,
Giving me caffeine.

Coffee.

Coffee
You have made me short and given me coffee breath,
But I don't care.

Coffee.

When am I grown up?

When I was in kindergarten, my definition of "grown up" was being in sixth grade. Then when I got to sixth grade, I thought that high-schoolers were grown up. Of course in high school, the college kids were the true adults in my mind. This leads me to the question...

When are we truly adults?

People my age are getting married, having kids, getting "real" jobs, buying houses... but is that what makes you an adult? By most standards, I probably am all grown up, but let's look at the evidence.

FOR being an adult:

* I have my own apartment, in NYC no less.
* I have credit cards, my own bank account, and I actually OWN furniture.
* I have a job that comes with a significant amount of reaponsibility and also gives me a health insurance.
* I do "adult" things like go to bars, have dinner parties, watch the news.
* I pay the adult fare for things like movies and museums.
* When I meet people they ask me if I'm married, or have kids.
* I can kill spiders by myself.



AGAINST being an adult:

* I have the sense of humor of a pubescent boy.
* I still get most of my clothes from stores like American Eagle, or the Gap.
* I cannot walk in high heels. Or medium heels. Sometimes I have problems walking in general.
* I don't make grocery lists. When I go to the grocery store I shop like a 6-year-old left alone. This means that I end up buying boxes of cereal for the toys and ice cream and things that are shiny and new and no nutritional value.
* I don't cook. I make things like scrambled eggs and spaghetti, but I rarely make things that require more than 3 steps.
* I get drunk. Not a lot, but I partake in what others might call "binge-drinking" on occasion.
* I do things I regret. A lot. For example, I might get into a beer fight that ends on the floor of a bar with a tall man on top of me.
* I sleep in. Sometimes past noon.
* I find little things amusing. I can stare at a frolicking squirrel for hours.
* I make lewd jokes and comments. "That's what she said" and "Your Mom" are a normal part of my vocabulary.
* The thought of getting married and/or having kids petrifies me.
* I do not plan my life more than 6 months in advance. I absolutely do not understand people who know what they'll be doing in 10 years.
* I love kidstuff, like board games and toy stores and bubbles.

So, what's the verdict? Am I an adult?

Embarrassment

I do not get embarrassed easily. When I read the Cosmo's Embarassing Stories, I laugh, usually because not only are the stories not actually embarrassing, but things like that happen to me on a daily basis. People who embarass easily obviously don't have much fun in life, because they are unable to let themselves go publically.

On a related note, I just got into a beer fight at my favorite NYC bar with my friend Dan. It started with me innocently pouring beer into his glass (it was empty), and ended with us both covered in beer (I had beer in my shirt, he had beer all over his crotch... also I think he peed himself, but that's another story altogether), on the floor of Rudy's (#1 dive bar in NYC), with him on top of me, my shoe off, and both of us sticky.

Now I must handwash my clothes and shower. Thank you, Dan, for a wonderful evening.

Are YOU likely to be a serial killer? (link)

Even if I had all of the qualities of a potential serial killer (which I really don't), I think my lack of follow-through would prevent me from ever actually... well, following through.

My favorite quote is: "So in addition to the fact that I'm a stand-up guy who would never do anything to harm her, and that she's the love of my life and I would be a miserable empty shell of a man without her, Andrea should also rest easy knowing that I'd never kill her because there is no way I could survive without her half of the rent."

Vague, yet dramatic, much like myself

My horoscope for today:

The same old attitudes about life aren't cutting it anymore -- seek contrary ideas.

They made a movie about me.

It's called "The Ron Clark Story."


It stars Chandler Bing.

The End.

RIP, Mitch Hedberg, RIP. (link)

Most definitely one of the funniest comedians ever.

If you haven't actually heard him, I suggest you download either audio or video of one of his performances, so that when you read all of his jokes, you can hear them how he would say them.

I was going to list some of my favorites, but there are too many. Just read the website.

This was an email, but it's too good of a story not to share.

I most definitely got WASTED at our 30 minute "wine and cheese reception" and then spent the next 2 hours in and out of the bathroom throwing up at City College when I was supposed to be watching a movie about special ed. Then I came home and passed out when everyone else went out to celebrate our class being over... I just woke up.

They had this horrible boxed wine, and they ran out so most people just got a glass or two (if that). So people kept coming to our table to ask us if they could have some of ours. I was like the wine nazi.

Girl: "Can I have two glasses of your wine? It's for me and my friend."
Lindsey: "Well, you can have ONE glass. Which glass would you like me to fill?"
Girl: "Um... this one?"
Lindsey: "Fine."

We had about 4 carafes to ourselves because I hijacked some under a sweater, then a classmate and I sweettalked a guy in the kitchen into giving us two more. I had only had a bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies and a can of diet coke to eat for the entire day. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Eric: What are we doing this afternoon?
Lindsey: We're watching a movie about retarded kids.
Tiffany (girl from my class who appears quite innocent): We're watching a movie about what it's like to be special ed in the classroom.
Lindsey: Yeah. What did I say?

The best part of the evening (and by evening I mean time span from 3:30 to 4:00 pm) was probably when I did an imitation of Judith (the crazy teacher we got to quit/got fired) and what she would be like if she was having sex with Eric. (all done very loudly and with a Bronx accent)

NO! THAT'S NOT THE CLITORIS! DAMNIT I'M FROM THE BRONX, BITCH.

JUST RUB IT! RUB IT HARDER! FUCK YOU! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB? ARE YOU RETARDED?

JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. LET ME DO IT MYSELF. JUST GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND MASTURBATE. JESUS.

I shouted this all during this very innocent reception. It was such a bad idea to give us wine. Bad idea. I think I'm going to lie to everyone and just say I was wandering around looking at things. When I got back to class I had 7 missed calls from people asking where I was.

Another good one:

Lindsey: How much wine do you think there is?
Millie (Girl who is hilarious because she is only 20 and spent a year in nun-school before deciding that she didn't want to be a nun. She has my sense of maturity and evilness. When people ask why she quit nun-school she says "Because I needed the cock.") Well I think there will be a lot, because they get enough for everyone... and some people don't drink.
Lindsey: Yeah, those people are dumb.
Millie: Sometimes religious people don't drink.
Lindsey: What?! Why not? It's the blood of Christ for God's sake.
Several people glare at us while Millie (ex-future-Nun) doubles over in laughter.


And I just realized I have NOTHING to wear tomorrow. I was going to do laundry today... but getting drunk at 3:30 isn't really conducive to that. Looks like it's "poufy skirt and sweatshirt" day... again...


Haha, my horoscope: How can you have a life if you spend all your time worrying about what might happen? Courage is just fear that has a sense of faith. Acknowledge all your worries and then resolve to move forward anyway. "I'm going to get really drunk because I haven't eaten anything today..." It freaks me out when horoscopes are so damn correct.

Okay... I just took half a tylenol pm so I'm off to bed. I hope that you had a fun night as well. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow, assuming I don't spend the whole day in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Explore Space, Not Drugs (link)

Seriously... this was on my list of "Cool Earth Science Links".

Mmhmm

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey

Saucy

I really like Mary Louise Parker. She's strong, funny, intelligent - why can't more women get it together?

I Miss Jenks

"Look at you, you hot bitch.
Fucking sexy New York slutty bitch.
I love it.
NYC looks good on you.
Just like sparkles."

Sometimes Reagan was right.

"The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

Where was this from?

"I've always believed that you couldn't get pregnant if you didn't really know the person. That's wrong, isn't it?"

The Way We Were

"I'll take two hamburgers, two cheeseburgers, and four cokes.

Onion?

Yeah... in the cokes."

I miss CFACT

"No no no, I have 5 words for you. Triumph the insult comic dog. Wait, 6 words. No, no, 5 words... yeah, five words."

Saved By the Bell

Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?

Slater: Sure...Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen.

Casablanca

"Well Mademoiselle, Rick is the kind of man that, if I were a woman, and if I weren't around, I should be in love with Rick."

Both True

"I have a theory that every now and then a person should get what they want, when they want it. It keeps you optimistic."
--Six Feet Under

"When the Gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers."
--The West Wing

The Office

Michael: My charity will be "Afghanistanis with AIDS"

Jim: Nope, I think you mean "The Aid to Afghanistan."

Michael: No, I mean "Afghanistanis with AIDS"

Phyllis: Afghani.

Michael: No, that's a dog.

Pam: That's Afghan.

Michael: No that's a shawl.

Dwight: Dogs with AIDS?

Michael: No, people with AIDS!

Creed: Who has AIDS?

Jim: Guys, ... the Afghanistanannis.

Checkmate? (link)

It bothers me that I do not know how to play chess. I've decided to learn today. I found this website, and I'm working my way through it slowly.

This may be slightly related to the fact that I have lots to do and am putting it off. Well, you know what they say... "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."

Is that relevant here? Whatever.

Classic

"I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel."

--Sex and the City

True?

"The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid being alive today."

--Six Feet Under

Ahh, Romeo

Guy: "You remind me of my friend. She's kind of sarcastic and really witty."

Lindsey: "Oh, thanks."

Guy: "And she's kind of a slut."

Music From Another Room

"Oh to hell with you, my fine fool death.

I will not go weakly like an obedient child or a quivering bride, no.

He'll have to mount me like an intractable whore. And drag me kicking and screaming, the miserable son of a bitch!"


I am going to memorize these words, and they shall be the last ones I say. Then, when you speak of me you can say that "she was witty yet unoriginal, may she rest in peace."

Make This

Cranberry Slush

12 oz can frozen lemonade
12 oz can frozen limeade
1 1/2 quarts cranberry juice
2 cup h2o
2 cup vodka

Mix, Freeze, Serve with 7up.

I like to increase the vodka and decrease the water, but that's just me.

Write it down, kids.

Jack and Jill went up a hill
To snort a little coke
Jack felt horny, so did Jill
But unfortunately Jack can't
maintain an erection
no mater how turned on he is.

There's no fairytale ending with cocaine.


--I didn't write this, but I forgot where I found it.

Doogtunes

"Ninjas watching The Matrix is like watching a retarded bear in the circus. It's painful and it's annoying, but it's just frustrating, because you wish there was something you could do. You don't really want to watch it, nobody really wants to see that. You know, they're on their little bike, and you're just like, take them away from all of this. You know, I put in an order form to kill everybody associated with The Matrix. Hopefully that'll come down the pike someday soon."

So True

Where are her values? Her principles?!

You know how it is when you want cock, they're the first things to go.

--Sex and the City

Weeds

"What to do if you meet a mountain lion:

Give the mountain lion some room.
Don't make eye contact.
Talk to the lion softly."

Are you sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?

Dr. Katz

"Women think they know, which always astonishes me. Women will always say "We look at guys sexually too." Women have no idea. They have no clue whatsoever. It's like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If women had any idea, if even for a second, of how we really looked at them, they would never stop slapping us."

Cincinnati? (link)

Kind of makes me want to move there... shockingly...

Cute

According to my mom, my relatives were discussing whether or not I'd make it in New York (thanks guys).

They decided that yes, I would make it... probably. This is their evidence:

1. When I was 4, I was visiting my aunt and uncle. Another 4-year-old girl was with us and we were in the back seat. Out of the blue, I turned to her and asked her who she was voting for in the "upcoming presidential election." She had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, but I continued. "I've thought long and hard about it, and I think I'm going to vote for George Bush. It's the best decision, and I think you should vote for him too." According to my uncle, the girl just dropped her jaw and looked at me.

2. When I was 5, my entire extended family was at a very fancy restaurant having dinner. When the waitress came by and asked me what I would like to drink (she thought it was so cute that I could order for myself), I responded with "You know, I think I'll have a beer." She was thoroughly disturbed.

Notice that neither of these have anything to do with teaching, but somehow they demonstrate that I will succeed. Since the outcome is favorable, I'll take it.

Religion

Religion is a tricky subject. My class was talking about how to address the "intelligent design" issue during our unit on evolution. I couldn't even participate in the discussion because I was so confused. How to address it? How do we address the tooth fairy and her role in the ecosystem? Where do we place unicorns on the evolutionary spectrum? We don't! It's make-believe! We teach science, which is real. Bah.

However, if I did have a relgion, it would be based on The Price is Right.

Lessons:
1. Even if you're lucky enough to make it on stage, you could still walk away with nothing.

2. Chance is crucial, but you increase your chances by wearing a homemade t-shirt with a message about Bob [God] on it.

3. Life is precious, but too much life is bad. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

4. Even if you try to beat the system by studying prices, you'll probably just get "Plinko" anyways, so don't even try to figure it all out.

5. If you bid $700, the bitch next to you will inevitably bid $701 and win.

6. Old people and college students know it all. The rest of us are out working when we should be having fun.

7. Sometimes the right person gets what they deserve. The cutest old woman won over $45,000 in prizes today - including 2 cars.

8. You can listen to your friends and family. But remember -- in the end, you're all alone on that stage.

Oh, how accurate.

Emily wrote a poem about me in class the other day:

Loves to Drink
Icky (I had a hard time with this)
Not paying attention
Dead in my drawing
Subway(tm) lover (the sandwich place)
East side resident
Younger than me, so hah!

FAQs

1. How'd that poster-thing go?

My teaching observation went really well. The kids were rowdy, and my advisor told me to be a bit gentler with them (apparently my teaching style is a bit nazi-esque). They liked the posters.


2. Damn, aren't you a teacher yet?!

I only have two more weeks of training. I am supposed to be in some sort of seminar today, but... I decided I need a day off.


3. When are you coming back to Wisconsin?

I will be in Wisconsin from August 5-9, assuming my ticket isn't screwed up by the stupidest woman in the world (who works for United Airlines, fyi). It'll be a bit of a time-crunch, but if you want to hang out, let me know.


4. Are you still single?

Yes, although I may be dating this guy. Either I'm not, and we're just hanging out, or we're coming up on our 1-month anniversary. It's a toss-up, really.


5. So you're not a lesbian?

No.


6. What about that gay prom? And didn't you come out in high school?

We've been over this already!! If I was gay, I'd be gay, but I'm not. But I still think everyone is born bisexual.


7. When is Kristin visiting again?

August 15th. For a week.


8. You don't seem very excited about her coming. Is that because you hate her?

Yes. Wait. No. It's because the teaching fellows have sucked all excitement out of me. I'm actually very excited for her to come. I started making a list of things for us to do, but it's much more realistic than the last list.

-- Taco Taco, a great Mexican restaurant 10 feet from me with hot Mexican waiters
-- Pinocchio's, a great Italian restaurant 15 feet from me with [hopefully] hot Italian waiters
-- MOMA - probably won't happen, but it could be entertaining
-- Lots of Trevor-watching and general hanging out on my patio/roof
-- Drinking. Much drinking.


9. Do you have mice in your apartment?

Yes.


10. Are we still friends?

No. Unless you email me, then yes.

Posters for Class

Camping

Well it's the 4th of July weekend, and I'm camping!

Oh wait, I'm not camping. I just don't have hot water. Or food. Or air-conditioning.


I'm going to sit on my patio and pretend that there's a lake. And then I'll pretend to go swimming and maybe make some microwave smores.

Can I use your shower?

Sidenote

I love Janeane Garofalo.

Beaver (link)

I can't believe I actually go to this school...

Now and Then

I love the movie "Now and Then." I used to watch it all the time in middle school. It was very similar to my life - biking everywhere, desperately trying to earn money, seances, etc.

For those of you who haven't seen it, it's mostly about 4 middle-school-age girls and their crazy summer, but part of the movie is the 4 girls as adults. They made a pact to come back together whenever of them needed the others, and now one of them is about to have a baby so they all come back home to support her.

I watched it the other day, and I was incredibly freaked out. For the first time ever I was much more similar to the adults than to the kids. They have careers and worries and have moved far from home, like me.

Even though I've seen the movie about 400 times, it never once occurred to me that I would one day be an adult like them. I thought I'd always be riding my bike around and chasing boys down my street.


Also it's kind of disturbing to think that I paused the movie repeatedly to see Devon Sawa's penis. He's about 14 in this movie.

So Happy

I'm in a state of bliss right now.

Reasons:

I have 5 days off. 5 DAYS!!! Today, tomorrow, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. 5 DAYS!!!!!

I just got some coffee from starbucks. Mmm.

I'm on my patio with my coffee. It's pretty out.

I got my teacher fired yesterday. Okay that's a bit of a stretch, but I (and Emily) complained about her, and then she stomped off and shouted "You're all a bunch of hypocrites!" I broke the stunned silence by bursting out laughing.

After our teacher left we had 3 hours to kill, so we all went to Dallas BBQ in Harlem. I had TWO Texas Size Margaritas, one strawberry and one mango - both with an extra shot of tequila in them. Yesterday is kind of a blur, including my fellow advisory session, which was post-drinking.

I had a great convo with Mark, one of my fellow teachers. It involved shouting, political banter, and him showing me that he was not wearing any underwear. I like Mark.

I'm talking to Jane on AIM right now. Jane is one of those fabulously cool people that you're so glad you're friends with, but it's sad because you don't get to talk to them as much as you'd like. However - she is moving to Connecticut and is coming to visit me in NYC in August. Yay!!

On my way home last night it started pouring the second I got off the bus. I couldn't really run since I was wearing flip flops, and after about a block I couldn't really walk either (slippery rubber flip flops). I ended up just taking my shoes off and walking slowly home with a huge smile on my face (I was still quite drunk, despite having stopped drinking a good 3 hours earlier).

I was watching Dawson's Creek this morning. That crazy Dawson and Joey! It was a great flashback.

The Price is Right is on in an hour. I hope nobody wins my golf-cart-like scooter.

I'm going out tonight with cool people to a cool bar to watch the Mets slaughter the Yankees. Excited.

I still have a good 80 cans of diet coke, and am ordering more tomorrow.

Now I'm going to talk to Jane some more, read my NY Times, and drink my coffee. All on my terrace. FYI, it is the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of breeze. Mmm.

When did I get so happy-fuzzy?

Gay Pride

I was going to go to the Pride Parade today, but unfortunately I just have too much to do. On one hand, it's sad that I have to miss one of the best pride parades when it is less than a mile away from me, but on the other hand, let's all pause and marvel at how mature I've become.

I Miss TV

I have a few channels now that I actually have a TV, but I miss OnDemand, and CNN, and BBCTV.

Maybe I'll just suck it up and get real cable.

Underused Words

Tawdry: Showy, but cheap, and of poor quality.

Example: Shauna's boob job was tawdry, so she got pregnant and lives in a trailer.

Darwin

Darwin (and the theory of evolution) states that man and ape evolved from the same ancestor. NOT that man evolved FROM apes.

Seriously.

But I love Extreme Makeover Home Edition

I don't have air-conditioning. It's hot. The city seems to stay about 10 degrees hotter than surrounding suburbs. So, I ordered an air-conditioner from Sears.com - paid for installation, the 3-year in-home service fee, etc.

On Thursday, I come home to find this giant air-conditioner box sitting in the "lobby" of my building. I live one floor up. I, of course being ridiculously strong, push the AC up the stairs. It took about 20 minutes and was especially hot that day, so I was irate. I called Sears to complain, and they finally transferred me to UPS who told me that the delivery-man did not take it up the stairs because it was too heavy.

Next was calling the installation guys, who were supposed to have already called me. The guy that I talked to said that he had personally emailed me that morning because there was a problem with my order, and that installation was going to be about 100 bucks more than what I had already paid, and is that okay with me? First- no he had not emailed me, and when he forwarded me the email to prove that he had, all he did was type the letters "FW" in the subject line. Second-Here I am with the AC already in my apartment, so I don't really have a choice. I agree, but even though the guy I talked to worked for "Sears Installation", they only find installers rather than do it themselves.

So I talk to the installers. They don't have any open appointments for well over a week - even longer because I can only take Saturday appointments. I plead with the woman to find me something. A few hours later she called back and said that she had a cancellation for Saturday, today, from 9:00a - 12:00p. I cringed at the thought of 9:00 am on a Saturday morning, but I thanked my good luck and took the appointment, hoping that they wouldn't show up before 11:00.

At 9:06 my buzzer rings. The installation guy was nice, but told me that there was absolutely nothing he could do, because it's a sleeve AC, and his form said window AC.

I'm returning it on Monday.

I hate you, Sears.

I love FreshDirect.com

Obvious

I believe flag burning should be legal. It seems ridiculously obvious to me.

The flag represents everything that is great about our country, including the right to free speech and expression (i.e. flag burning).

If you make lighting a US flag on fire illegal, that does more to desecrate the sacred significance of everything the flag stands for than burning a piece of fabric ever could.

Fuhgeddaboutit (link)

Most polite? Damn right.

Disagree? I'll cut you!

Have you heard of this?

PSAS. Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.

These women can have up to 300 orgasms a day. Apparently it's horrible.

But on my list of disorders to have... it probably wouldn't be at the bottom.

And so it begins...

My schedule for the next seven weeks:

6 AM - Wake up
7:30 AM - Take bus to school (an hour)
8:45 AM - Get to class
9:00 AM - 4:00 PM Diversity in the Classroom
4:00 PM - 6:00 PM My Student Achievement Framework Group
6:00 PM - 7:00 PM Bus ride home
7:00 PM - About 2 hours of homework, readings, etc., dinner, and bed

And now...

Supernanny is on!!!

I'm so excited!

Oh how I've missed you, my little minx.

Wow

Seventh Heaven is still on the air? And Ruthie is a whore!!

Gosh, I don't have tv for 5 weeks and I miss so much...

I like Sex and the City before it was cool...

"Carrie: Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Heaven is two words:

"Frozen grapes... on a 96 degree June day in New York City."

Okay two words, and 10 other words.

A Cloud of Cynicism

I'm tired of people not following through, not returning phone calls, not doing what they say they're going to do.

I'm sick of being disappointed by people.

I just wish that, for once, everyone wouldn't be such a stereotype of who they are.

Save Screech! (link)

This is capitalism at it's best! (or worst, either way I love it).

I bought one, and yes I sprung for the autographed version.

Six Feet Under

... is a great show.

I will keep track of fun quotes.

* Whoa, you are NOT on the list of people who get to touch my tits.

That's all I've got for now, but I'll add more later. Maybe.

NPH wouldn't do that.

Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris. Have a fur burger to celebrate.

Fate through drunken decisions?

Let's say you get someone's name tattoed on yourself. Then, for whatever reason, it ends. If you happen to find someone else with that name, how freaked out will they be when they see it?

Also, you should pretty much get married to that person, if only to avoid painful tattoo removal surgery.

Too PIcky?

These are things I've actually said out loud while looking at personals ads:

1. 5'11" is too tall
2. 5'9" is to short
3. His muscles are scary
4. Too good to be true
5. Spells words like your and you're wrong
6. Too "available"

Apparently my type is "worst-possible-choice", and it usually comes back to haunt me.

Random Blogs

I need to get back into writing random blog entries. Mostly so Kristin has something to read while she waits for me to call her back at 3 a.m., when in actuality I'm already fast asleep.

So, in that spirit, here are some random things I noticed:

1. When I'm waiting for the bus, I walk around everyone else waiting. They stand perfectly still, while I weave in and out. From above it must look like I am in an ant-farm. I think it's the ADD.

2. I have been yelled at every day by my "professor." Usually it's to pay attention, but he also told me to "see him after class" because I had my cell phone out. I'm sorry that I'm bored by your remedial class. Maybe if you made it more interesting (or harder than a special-ed third grade class), I'd pay attention. Bite me.

3. I'm bored now. More later.

Starbucks Cup

I've gotten into the habit of stopping for coffee on my way to class every morning, and yesterday I just happened to read the quote on the side of the cup.

The Way I See It #119
As you sip your coffee, think about al the science behind it: in agriculture, processing, roasting, extraction. Then think of all the science around you: in your cell phone, your computer, even your food. Shouldn't everyone be educated to understand the science that permeates their lives?

It may be a bit of a stretch, but it was a good cup to get on the day of my first midterm to become a science teacher. It made me smile.

The Lindsey-NYC tour

1. Central Park. Hot dog. Diet Coke. Spongebob ice cream. Best NYC dinner.
2. Sangria at a sidewalk cafe. Several pitchers, amaze people sitting next to us.
3. Make out with Jess. Preferably in public. Preferably at Bourbon St. Bar.
4. Watch Lindsey's neighbors walk around naked, have sex, and sit on their toilet for 2 hours. Possibly shout at them.
5. Lots of Diet Coke.
6. Get into a fight with a random person on the subway.
7. 3-decker diner. Aegean omellete.
8. Staten Island Ferry. Preferably at 2 am. Preferably following sailors.
9. Rudy's Bar, outdoor patio, cigarettes, beer.
10. Have someone sneeze on you. Preferably Lindsey.

Congrats Megan!

You get your masters the same week I start mine.  Sad for me, but yay for you.

Now get on a plane to come celebrate in NYC.



"My boobs look really big in this top..."

Restaurant Leftovers

Does anyone ever actually eat restaurant leftovers?  I always take them because of the whole "children are starving in Australia" thing, but even if I remember to take it home from the restaurant and actually heat it up, it's usually inedible.  

I think restaurants do this on purpose.  I'm not sure how, or why, but I blame the Irish.  And the gays.  Especially the gay Irish.  

Nick and Haig

If you have iTunes, subscribe to the "Nick and Haig" podcast. It's hilarious. You can also find it at www.doogtunes.com.

My personal favorite is "The Chihuahua."

Is this for real? (link)

"In summary, we can say that the Scripture supports and even encourages the act of oral sex between loving heterosexual partners. Moreover, the Bible specifically encourages fellatio to completion (orgasm) with the female partner consuming or swallowing the ejaculate. This prevents spilling seed, which is an affront to the Lord, and also provides spiritual benefit to the receiving partner. Oral sex has the added benefits of preventing unwanted pregnancies and helping couples satisfy their sexual urges while preserving their chastity until marriage. For these reasons, all Christian men and women should feel confident and comfortable including oral sex as part of their sexual life in accordance with God’s will."

Fairies dying, everywhere.

So many.

If you haven't already... (link)

Check this out. Foamy the Squirrel is my little furry hero.

1,000

My blog has had over 1,000 hits. I'm very excited.

(Counter is at the bottom, if you're interested.)

Me Llamo Jaime. (link)

Anyone else have to endure "La Catrina" in high school Spanish?

I actually kind of miss it. Kind of.

STOP (link)

Collaborate and Listen.

TV

I wrote off TV a long time ago. Decent, albeit simple shows gave way to reality crap. Writing, acting, directing... it all was replaced by mindless drama.

However, I see a light. One by one, TV shows are getting better.

* The Office - amazing writing, incredible acting, and characters you actually care about. I know it's "stolen" from the Brits, but as good as there's is, I believe ours is better.

* Conviction - started off a little slow, and had a lot to live up to, but its season finale pulls it together in a great 2 hour episode. This show's new, so if you haven't started watching it, download it on itunes. Now.

* Law and Order SVU - always a classic - not only is it retaining its initial popularity, but it's even getting better.

* O'Grady - cartoons for adults = genius. It's at the level of Home Movies and Dr. Katz.

* The West Wing - Intelligent TV? Yes. And it's entertaining, too (although slightly misinformed at times).

* Campus Ladies - I think it's on Oxygen, or WE Women's network. Anyway, it has a budget of about 5 dollars, yet is hilarious. I hope it catches on.

* Weeds - I've come to expect a little more from HBO and Showtime, and Weeds is good... not great, but good.



Great shows that aren't exactly recent:

* Queer as Folk - Excellent on every level.

* That show on Spike TV... it was a cartoon about some single early 30's guys who were conservative alcoholics. Apparently the show was too "real" to last more than a few episodes. It was called "This Just In."

* Sex and the City - everyone likes it, which is annoying, but it was entertaining, well-made, and shaped our culture in a way that few other shows have.

* You Can't Do That on Television - maybe it was because I was 8, maybe because the show was filled with slime and civil disobedience. . . either way I loved it.

* Six Feet Under - dark, yes, but well-written.

* Dead Like Me - show me another comedy that genuinely deals with death.

* Freaks and Geeks - it's a cult class, and for good reason.



I'll add more as I think of them. Suggestions?

Notice anything odd?

Thunderstorms

I love them. There's a "severe thunderstorm warning" right now for Manhattan, and I'm so excited.

Question: If there is a tornado, do I have to do anything, or does that not really affect people in the city? When I grew up and there was a tornado warning we would go in the basement immediately. I wish I had "Twister" to watch right now. Great movie.


Oooh thunder.

It's hoaky, but it works

If I want to be in a slightly better mood, I try to think of things I'm looking forward to that happen in differnet time increments. Here's what I've got right now:

> 1 hour
* My next cup of coffee. It's really good this morning, and it's the perfect day for coffee (rainy, dark, but with birds chirping-what this has to do with coffee, I don't know, but it fits)

* Getting internet in my apartment. I will finally be able to move my comptuer from this one-square-foot of bed where I get my stolen reception from


> 12 hours

* My building super is coming to do repairs. I made a nice little typed list for him. There are 10 items, and I even made a spot for him to sign and date it when the repairs are completed. Anal? Yes. Smart? Yes.

* Going to The DaVinci Code with V. This one is a little up in the air since I didn't buy my tickets ahead of time...

> 24 hours

* Sleeping in tomorrow


> Week

* Having my job finalized by Monday. I was offered the position, but there's still a little bit of doubt as to whether or not the position will actually be availalbe. Crazy publlic school systems.

* Personal training session with Richard. He is huge and kind of mean looking, but when he talks he's like a little kid. And then he makes me run uphill and I hate him.

* Kristin arrives on Wednesday. I'm most excited about this, especially because she's the first person to visit me in NYC (other than my parents). We will definitely be painting the town red. (What does that even mean?)

* Field trip to American Museum of Natural History - Kristin and I will be chaperones for this field trip. It's a Brooklyn High School, and the trip is about 70 kids.


> Month

* My sofa will be delivered next Saturday. Sitting on folding camping chairs has been fun (gotta love the cupholder in the chair), but I long for the furry soft goodness of a great sofa.

* Jess returns. It's been way too long since I've been yelled at repeatedly for not drinking or talking enough - simultaneously.

* Carrie is visiting on Monday, May 30. She just bought her ticket last night, so I'm still in that "new excitement" stage. We will also paint the town, but maybe in a different color than red. Purple, perhaps? Is it possible to paint the town "drunk"?

* Job science training begins June 5.

* Actual job training begins June 19.


> 6 months

* My Birthday

* School starting

* Autumn (the best season, by far)


... and a lot of other stuff. But, I'm tired of writing this blog, and you're probably tired of reading it.

So True

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

-- AA Milne

Expressions that are used way too often.

The early bird gets the worm.

Some days you're the bird, other days you're the statue.

You win some, you lose some.

Same old, same old.

Life goes on.

Yeah, well your mom _____. (AhemJess)



Others?

Job Interview #1

Tomorrow at 10 am.

I like this quote.

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.

--Robertson Davies

Rotten Tomatoes, Amateur-Blog Style

I've recently received a large number of DVDs for the summer, the vast majority of which I have not seen. I'll be reviewing them here.

Why, you ask? Is it because I have excellent taste in movies? Well, yes, that's part of it, but also because it will make me feel as though I am being productive when in fact I am just watching movies.

The Office

is by far the best network television show ever.

John Krasinski is an amazing actor, and deserves several large shiny awards.

He's kind of hot, too.

Breast Pump

I saw a place where you could rent a breast pump. I think that'd be something I'd buy instead of rent.

The whole idea of breast milk kind of freaks me out in general. Think about it. Juice, squeezed from your body, going into the mouth of a small child.

Although 20 bucks says that a drink comes out in the next decade that markets itself as being like breast milk.

Possible names for said drink:

* Boob Soda
* Titty Cola
* B-Milk

Oh, yeah

The building next to mine fell down today, and also we have a masturbating flasher (with great fashion sense) who frequents not only my block, but my stoop.

Pictures later (of the building, not the flasher, unless we get lucky...).

Gay

At some point I stopped being angry about people using "gay" as an insult. Now I'm just confused. Do you know how dumb you sound?

Also, if I say something is gay, it's because it is gay. It is homosexual. Men having sex with men is pretty damn gay. Do not glare at me like the times I glared at you when you said a movie/book/etc. was gay. It's different.

Insomnia

I really should do something productive with my insomnia. Maybe I could make something out of painted macaroni.

Who wants a necklace?!

Todd

... is not gay and will be the reader of the week when it's not 3:00 AM and I have time to write a proper post, because he deserves to have a good blog post about him not written by a psychotic bitch.

Who should NOT be allowed to be friends with Gale Harold. Whore.

eHarmony

I decided to set up an eHarmony profile. I'm 67% done with it, and I've been working on it for approximately 41 hours.

I expect that when I've finished the profile I will get an email from them telling me to just get a cat.

Productive

I decided that I need to get organized. I don't have a ton of storage space, so I was going to have The Container Store (www.containerstore.com) design my closet for me.

I was filling out the online form, and I needed to know the exact dimensions of the closet. I looked for my measuring tape for about 2 minutes, couldn't find it, and gave up.

Damnit, I need to get more organized.

Well, I actually passed.

I passed both tests. Woohoo. And I celebrated passing both tests by being dumb, the effects of which I'm still getting over.

Since this is MY blog, I am going to brag.

On the Letters and Sciences Test (LAST), I got a total of 278 out of 300 (220 needed to pass):

Scientific, Math, and Tech. Processes: 300 (perfect!)
Historical & Social Scientific Awareness: 263
Artistic Expression and The Humanities: 300 (perfect again!)
Communication and Research Skills: 263
Essay: 260 (I actually thought I bombed this one. Badly.)

On the Bio test, the one that I was most worried about, I got 258 out of 300.

Foundations of Scientific Inquiry: 261
Cell Biology and Biochemistry: 287 (Oh yeah.)
Genetics and Evolution: 255
Bio. Unity & Diversity & Life Processes: 282
Human Biology: 209 (Egh.)
Ecology: 265
Essay: 247 (Which I thought I completely nailed, but oh well).

The bottom line is, I don't have to take either one of them again! This means that I can continue having fun until training starts on June 5, and that I won't have to study when Carrie/Kristin are here, and I don't have to pay the $300 late fee.

I'm happy.

Well, I'll be happy when I recover from last night's "celebration."

Test Scores

My teacher certification test scores come out today by 5:00. I have a strong feeling that I failed at least one of them. In all honesty, it's not that big of a deal if I do fail, but I just really don't want to re-take them.

The point is, I'm waiting all day for them to come in (or at least the rest of the day, since I already slept through half of it...).

These are things I will spend my day doing. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

* Sorting my itunes. I have 11 days worth of music to sort through and rate, categorize, delete. It's one of those fake to-do list items. Actually, now that I think about it, all of these are going to be a fake to-do list item (items that you put on your list for the sole purpose of being able to cross them off.)

* Cleaning. I can't believe I have to clean after moving in only a week ago, but I kind of like it. It's so fulfilling to be done and see it all clean... oh man, I'm my Mom.

* Calling around to Starbucks to pick up a shift or two. I miss the discount and free coffee and green aprons.

* Reading the 477 page booklet the NYC teaching fellows just sent me. Yikes.

* Drinking coffee/diet coke and sitting on my patio (This is by far the most likely option)

* Reading/studying for when I have to retake my test

* Going to the gym (Probably not, because that requries leaving my internet connection. They look at you weird if you take a computer on the treadmill with you...)

* Writing pointless posts in my blog about what I should rather be doing. (Also quite likely.)

Go Mets (link)

I need to get to a game... anyone in?

No Pants Day (link)

It has just come to my attention that tomorrow is No Pants Day. Check out the website.

I may wear a skirt, even though that's apparently against the No Pants Day Rules. I figure, since I wouldn't normally wear a skirt, it counts as an appropriate substition for me.

Creepy

http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/20060428_HOMICIDE_MAP.html

News

I love news. I'm a news junkie. The biggest thing I miss about not having a television is not having news on in the background. (And The Price is Right, but that goes without saying.)

Sadly when I have something big going on in my life I tend to go into a little shell. Here are things I missed while moving:

* A giant fire in Brooklyn yesterday. Cnn.com has pictures of huge clouds of smoke over Manhattan. I didn't see it or even hear about it until today. I blame Mrs. O'Leery's cow. Why do we still let that woman farm in large cities?!

* An Armenian passenger plane crashed this morning in the Black Sea. I read "American" the first 16 times I saw it, and was very distraught. When I saw that it was indeed Armenian, I felt relief, then immense guilt.

* Is it inappropriate to make a joke about the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services) attending rallies for illegal immigrants? If so, then ignore this.

Two-minute mile in steel-toed boots.

I'm loving NYC, but every once in a while I see/hear/smell something that makes me tear up and miss Wisconsin.

"Beautiful" by James Blunt just came on, and it reminded me of watching Beauty and the Geek with Pete. I miss you, man. Come visit.

Internet

I was going to lay off of internet/cable for a while after I moved in, but I decided that I need internet. I am indeed, a battery-operated Mary Tyler Moore. (If you can tell me what movie that's from without looking it up, you get brownie points.)

So I called time-warner to set it up. Apparently the guy who lived in my apartment before me was, in addition to being phenomenally messy, a deadbeat. He owes time-warner lots of money and equipment. This means that I need to get a notarized copy of my lease with a photo ID faxed to them.

This would be no problem for most people, however I am a huge procrastinator. Therefore, I may not get internet or cable. Ever.

On a lighter note, I received my bed today. I am sitting on it right now! I think everyone should have to sleep on the floor every now and then so they'd have more appreciation for their beds. Also I just made my first cup of coffee in 3 days. It was glorious.

Noon

It's almost noon and I still haven't gotten out of bed. Actually, I should say that I haven't gotten off of air mattress. Yes, that's much more accurate.

Also, shout-out to Kristin, Pete, Megan, Carrie, Sarah, Amy, and all of my other friends I saw while home. I miss you guys. Come visit.