In a rare moment, I was watching live tv (The Daily Show) with my roommate. Since it was live, we were stuck with the commercials. On came a commercial about "5 Hour Energy", a fabulous new energy supplement much better than those canned energy drinks. The commercial was so corny, I decided to check out the website. The frequently asked questions include:
* What's in 5-Hour Energy?
* Is 5-Hour Energy safe for children?
* What flavors does 5-Hour Energy come in?
And, of course, the question I always have...
* My skin is hot and itchy. What's happening to me?
If you're wondering where to buy this fantastic product, don't bother. I bought them out. Now I'm going to go itch my skin.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Things TiVo* has taught me.
1. I love Kathy Griffin. I thought she was kind of annoying and not that funny, but I've started watching her show, and let me tell you - she's me, except instead of trying not to suck at comedy, I try not to suck at teaching. And let's be honest, teaching and comedy are very similar, almost the same.
"My parents have horrible dating advice, because it's from World War II. You know, it's just stuff you can't use like 'as long as a man buys you a nice pair of stockings.' I was like, Mom, you can just go to a store a get stockings now."
I cannot tell you how many times I tried to make a joke in front of 30 15-year-olds and totally bombed. Then I threatened their grade if they didn't laugh. Then they laughed. And cried. But most importantly they laughed.
"I wish they would have peppered the room with more gays. Because straight people will just let you down every time. And they don't know how to laugh at a good pussy joke." So true, Kathy.
2. People who watch trashy reality TV are morons who are not worthy of my time. Of course, "trashy reality TV" can only be defined as "shows I don't watch". I do love to watch wifeswap with Kristin, or supernanny, or even Big Brother 8. I remember watching the original Big Brother seven years ago. When I'm watching it now sometimes I think, "wow, look at me. I used to be watching this show in my parents basement, drinking diet coke. Now I'm watching it in New York City, drinking diet coke I had to pay for myself. Damnit!!"
3. Dawson's Creek was NOT as good as I remember it. But it is just as addictive. I love you Dawson! But knowing that Jen dies at the end makes it harder to hate her. I also realized that I hated her because I wanted to be her - I wanted to be a slut from NY. Wait...
4. I want to be Samantha Brown's new best friend so I can travel with her on Passport to Europe. Better yet, she can quit her job and Kristin and I can take over. Passport to Europe with Linstin. We ca have little segments, like the best drink of the area. Or the best men in the area. Or the best places to pass out in public and not get urinated on.
5. I thought my TV watching habits were fairly sophisticated. But now that I record everything, it's all nicely listed in one area. Here's a rundown: Big Brother 8, Passport to Europe, The Big Gay Sketch Show, Father of the Bride 1 and 2, Degrassi, The Naked Chef (I don't actually cook, I just watch him. He's hot.), Dawson's Creek, The Price is Right, Cash Cab (I love you Ben Bailey!), The Simpsons, and Jaws (research for my Sharks and Rays class). I guess I'm not all that sophisticated. Shocker!
6. I mostly watch the show Intervention because I feel that what they're doing is important. These people are real humans who made bad choices in their life. But mostly I watch Intervention to feel better about my life. "Yeah, I haven't been to the gym in a month, I'm single, and I drink a lot, but at least I'm not smoking heroin in my parent's garage!"
7. Commercials are even more annoying than before TiVo*. I love to skip them. Except, of course, the commercials that are about me.
Girl goes to refrigerator. Dog enters room. Dog: "Hey Lindsey? I wish you didn't smoke weed**. You're not the same when you smoke, and I miss my friend. I'll be outside." Best commercial ever.
8. Dr. Phil is mean. I like it. I like when people cry on the show.
9. Game shows like Cash Cab, the World Series of Pop Culture, Jeopardy, etc. are much easier when you can pause the show, look up the answer on the Internet, then restarted the show and shout the answer out.
* Not actually TiVo, but the Time Warner version of DVR.
** I do not smoke pot. I don't even know what pot is.
"My parents have horrible dating advice, because it's from World War II. You know, it's just stuff you can't use like 'as long as a man buys you a nice pair of stockings.' I was like, Mom, you can just go to a store a get stockings now."
I cannot tell you how many times I tried to make a joke in front of 30 15-year-olds and totally bombed. Then I threatened their grade if they didn't laugh. Then they laughed. And cried. But most importantly they laughed.
"I wish they would have peppered the room with more gays. Because straight people will just let you down every time. And they don't know how to laugh at a good pussy joke." So true, Kathy.
2. People who watch trashy reality TV are morons who are not worthy of my time. Of course, "trashy reality TV" can only be defined as "shows I don't watch". I do love to watch wifeswap with Kristin, or supernanny, or even Big Brother 8. I remember watching the original Big Brother seven years ago. When I'm watching it now sometimes I think, "wow, look at me. I used to be watching this show in my parents basement, drinking diet coke. Now I'm watching it in New York City, drinking diet coke I had to pay for myself. Damnit!!"
3. Dawson's Creek was NOT as good as I remember it. But it is just as addictive. I love you Dawson! But knowing that Jen dies at the end makes it harder to hate her. I also realized that I hated her because I wanted to be her - I wanted to be a slut from NY. Wait...
4. I want to be Samantha Brown's new best friend so I can travel with her on Passport to Europe. Better yet, she can quit her job and Kristin and I can take over. Passport to Europe with Linstin. We ca have little segments, like the best drink of the area. Or the best men in the area. Or the best places to pass out in public and not get urinated on.
5. I thought my TV watching habits were fairly sophisticated. But now that I record everything, it's all nicely listed in one area. Here's a rundown: Big Brother 8, Passport to Europe, The Big Gay Sketch Show, Father of the Bride 1 and 2, Degrassi, The Naked Chef (I don't actually cook, I just watch him. He's hot.), Dawson's Creek, The Price is Right, Cash Cab (I love you Ben Bailey!), The Simpsons, and Jaws (research for my Sharks and Rays class). I guess I'm not all that sophisticated. Shocker!
6. I mostly watch the show Intervention because I feel that what they're doing is important. These people are real humans who made bad choices in their life. But mostly I watch Intervention to feel better about my life. "Yeah, I haven't been to the gym in a month, I'm single, and I drink a lot, but at least I'm not smoking heroin in my parent's garage!"
7. Commercials are even more annoying than before TiVo*. I love to skip them. Except, of course, the commercials that are about me.
Girl goes to refrigerator. Dog enters room. Dog: "Hey Lindsey? I wish you didn't smoke weed**. You're not the same when you smoke, and I miss my friend. I'll be outside." Best commercial ever.
8. Dr. Phil is mean. I like it. I like when people cry on the show.
9. Game shows like Cash Cab, the World Series of Pop Culture, Jeopardy, etc. are much easier when you can pause the show, look up the answer on the Internet, then restarted the show and shout the answer out.
* Not actually TiVo, but the Time Warner version of DVR.
** I do not smoke pot. I don't even know what pot is.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Oh man I forgot...
I'll be honest. I kind of forgot that I have a blog. Teaching makes you lose your mind that way.
But, I remembered, so here I am.
Updates:
*Teaching is almost over!
*I'm only taking 1 or 2 classes this summer, and they're online. I can sleep until 4 pm and drink diet coke all day. Yes!
*Kristin is coming! At least, I think she is. Then we can sleep until 4 and drink diet coke together.
*I started Weight Watchers with a friend from work. So far I've lost 5.6 pounds. Woo. My fridge is filled with little baggies of fruit and vegetable. In my cupboard are pre-portioned servings of granola. FYI a serving of granola is something like half a teaspoon.
*I moved to Brooklyn and all is well. My roommate and I get along and the commute isn't all that bad.
But, I remembered, so here I am.
Updates:
*Teaching is almost over!
*I'm only taking 1 or 2 classes this summer, and they're online. I can sleep until 4 pm and drink diet coke all day. Yes!
*Kristin is coming! At least, I think she is. Then we can sleep until 4 and drink diet coke together.
*I started Weight Watchers with a friend from work. So far I've lost 5.6 pounds. Woo. My fridge is filled with little baggies of fruit and vegetable. In my cupboard are pre-portioned servings of granola. FYI a serving of granola is something like half a teaspoon.
*I moved to Brooklyn and all is well. My roommate and I get along and the commute isn't all that bad.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Public Service Announcement
The ultimate determinant in the struggle now going on for the world will not be bombs and rockets but a test of wills and ideas-a trial of spiritual resolve: the values we hold, the beliefs we cherish and the ideals to which we are dedicated.
--Another Reagan Quote
What are your values and beliefs? Don't say "republican" or "democrat", but what are YOUR beliefs, and where did they come from? In less than 20 months you'll have to stand up for your beliefs in the voting booth. Please, for our future - vote for your beliefs, not for your political party. Vote for the best interests of All Americans, not for your own.
P.S. If you are not going to vote, do not tell me unless you are 100% comfortable with our friendship ending. (It doesn't matter which candidate you vote for in my eyes, as long as you put thought into it and can stand behind your decision.)
--Another Reagan Quote
What are your values and beliefs? Don't say "republican" or "democrat", but what are YOUR beliefs, and where did they come from? In less than 20 months you'll have to stand up for your beliefs in the voting booth. Please, for our future - vote for your beliefs, not for your political party. Vote for the best interests of All Americans, not for your own.
P.S. If you are not going to vote, do not tell me unless you are 100% comfortable with our friendship ending. (It doesn't matter which candidate you vote for in my eyes, as long as you put thought into it and can stand behind your decision.)
Read more!
If you haven't read this week's Time Magazine, stop and pick one up. There's an article titled "Where the Right Went Wrong". It looks at the dismal place the Republicans are currently in, and what Reagan would do and say. For his many faults (and he had quite a few), I believe that Reagan was our best president thusfar. Look at what he did for the Republican party alone - they were able to coast on his ideas for over 20 years. And now, when things have gone to hell, they want him back even though he hasn't been in a political office for over 18 years.
Let me stop lecturing. Here are some good quotes from Mr. Reagan himself (and no, I'm not a republican, but I probably would have been one in 1981).
Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.
How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children's children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done.
I don't believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
I know in my heart that man is good.
That what is right will always eventually triumph.
And there's purpose and worth to each and every life.
If you're afraid of the future, then get out of the way, stand aside. The people of this country are ready to move again.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
(For those of you who are illiterate, the first was prostitution.)
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
--Said during a radio microphone test, 1984
Shocker!
Your Personality Is Like Marijuana |
 You're laid back and easy going, so much so that taking a shower is often too much trouble for you! Nevertheless, you're quite popular, and many people enjoy your company. You're rarely turned down. You're prone to giggle fits, paranoia, and forgetting where you are exactly. |
Is this my student?
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
-- Woody Allen
-- Woody Allen
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Well, duh.
You Are a "Don't Tread On Me" Libertarian |
 You distrust the government, are fiercely independent, and don't belong in either party. Religion and politics should never mix, in your opinion... and you feel opressed by both. You don't want the government to cramp your self made style. Or anyone else's for that matter. You're proud to say that you're pro-choice on absolutely everything! |
Saturday, February 24, 2007
An Ode to Kristin. I mean Perry.
Linstin. Sangria. Ferries. Fairies. Sushi. Central Park. Spongebob. Cameras. Castles. Ireland. Pot. Trevor. Porn. Pigeons. Subways. The Ugly Clothes Store. Wifeswap. The FBI phone-listening-men. Killing people during sex. Europeans. Queer as Folk. The Office. Home Movies. O'Grady. Walter and Perry. Knitting. 1-100. One two three he's yours. The Price is Right. Arts and Crafts. Walter and Perry. Hoops and Yoyo. Sailors. Rudy's. Hotdogs. Beer. Diet Coke. Diet Cheerwine. Times Square. You girls have ridiculously large... purses. Starbucks. Edamame. Lists. Flatiron Building. Magic Missile. The Diner. Museum of Sex Gift Store. Laundromats. Pedicures. Mitch. Coney Island. Little Italy. Delilah. You're ridiculous. No you're not. Pizza. Garlic. More garlic. Museums. Field-trips. Mets Game. Yoo-hoo. Sneeze. Piercings. Ireland. Operation O'Linstin 2008. Phone-TV-dates. Reefer! Linstin.
I'm sorry you died, but I really can't go out in the rain.
No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
--Michael Pritchard
Come to my funeral! Kristin will have a powerpoint presentation made, and there will be Diet Coke served. I hope someone also brings a playstation and some jeopardy (or racing!).
--Michael Pritchard
Come to my funeral! Kristin will have a powerpoint presentation made, and there will be Diet Coke served. I hope someone also brings a playstation and some jeopardy (or racing!).
Friday, February 23, 2007
Fun Science Facts
** The most dangerous animal in the world is the common housefly. Because of their habits of visiting animal waste, they transmit more diseases than any other animal.
** Armadillos, opossums, sloths, and teachers on vacation spend about 80% of their lives sleeping.
** The hottest planet in the solar system is Venus, with an estimated surface temperature of 864 F (462 C). (I have been telling the children that Mercury is the hottest planet. It's the closet to the sun!)
** October 10 is National Metric Day. Fuck you, inches!
** No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. (I simply do not believe this one. Get me a very large tissue.)
** Knowledge is growing so fast that ninety per cent of what we will know in fifty years time, will be discovered in those fifty years. (You just made this up.)
** According to an old English system of time units, a moment is one and a half minutes.
** The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So, if placed in water it would float. (The best part about telling kids this is how they mentally build a giant pool to put saturn in.)
** The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. (It used to take me about an hour to fall asleep. Now that I teach, it's more like 2 to 3 seconds.)
** It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (Try it! Try it!)
** There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.
** Armadillos, opossums, sloths, and teachers on vacation spend about 80% of their lives sleeping.
** The hottest planet in the solar system is Venus, with an estimated surface temperature of 864 F (462 C). (I have been telling the children that Mercury is the hottest planet. It's the closet to the sun!)
** October 10 is National Metric Day. Fuck you, inches!
** No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. (I simply do not believe this one. Get me a very large tissue.)
** Knowledge is growing so fast that ninety per cent of what we will know in fifty years time, will be discovered in those fifty years. (You just made this up.)
** According to an old English system of time units, a moment is one and a half minutes.
** The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So, if placed in water it would float. (The best part about telling kids this is how they mentally build a giant pool to put saturn in.)
** The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. (It used to take me about an hour to fall asleep. Now that I teach, it's more like 2 to 3 seconds.)
** It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (Try it! Try it!)
** There are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.
White trash!
Daytime tv is very trashy. This week I started with a holier-than-thou attitude and I stayed away (except for The Price is Right, of course). But now, by Friday, I've hit rock bottom. I'm watching Maury.
The show today is "Secrets". The woman currently on tv has been dating this guy for 2 years and is now engaged and carrying his baby. She said she has some secrets to tell him, so he came out and sat next to her. He said he loved her, but she couldn't have any secrets that were that bad. Apparently she had not 1 but 4 secrets:
1. I'm not actually single, I'm married.
2. I already have 4 kids. I visit them when you're away.
3. I'm not pregnant.
4. I can never be pregnant because my tubes are tied.
What in the world did they even talk about when they were dating? People I've known for less than 20 minutes know more about me than he knew about her.
It's a good thing I start school again on Monday. I'm pretty sure my brain would melt if I watched any more daytime tv.
The show today is "Secrets". The woman currently on tv has been dating this guy for 2 years and is now engaged and carrying his baby. She said she has some secrets to tell him, so he came out and sat next to her. He said he loved her, but she couldn't have any secrets that were that bad. Apparently she had not 1 but 4 secrets:
1. I'm not actually single, I'm married.
2. I already have 4 kids. I visit them when you're away.
3. I'm not pregnant.
4. I can never be pregnant because my tubes are tied.
What in the world did they even talk about when they were dating? People I've known for less than 20 minutes know more about me than he knew about her.
It's a good thing I start school again on Monday. I'm pretty sure my brain would melt if I watched any more daytime tv.
Where is she? Where is she?! (link)
Now that's just embarassing.
Office fans: Is it just me, or does this guy sound like Dwight? He didn't have a phone, he grabbed a sword, and he assumed "rape" before sex or porn...
Office fans: Is it just me, or does this guy sound like Dwight? He didn't have a phone, he grabbed a sword, and he assumed "rape" before sex or porn...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Thank you, Craig Ferguson. (link)
I have been saying this for years. Not because I think she's "vulnerable", but I really don't care. I think it's mildly funny to watch a crazy public figure self-destruct, but there are more important things in life. Anything. Everything. Absolutely everything I can think of is more important than Spears.
Wait, why are you famous, Craig?
Wait, why are you famous, Craig?
Homorevolution! (link)
It's been a while since a feel-good pro-gay post, so here you go. Looks like I have something to talk to my students about next week!
This is my life. (link)
.... which further confirms that the only people who stay in these programs are the ones who started with little to no idealism at all. Even a normal person will cry a bit for the future of humanity when asked to teach in a public school.
I am not condoning this, but... (link)
Clowns are super-creepy. I hate them. I absolutely think that they are as bad as murderers, rapists, or even Nader-voters. Ugh. Take your face paint off and go get a real job. That is, if you didn't get shot lately.
Monday, February 19, 2007
I am on vacation.
And it is glorious. My plan was to sleep about 18 hours a day, and when I was awake I would either be ordering food or watching The Price is Right and/or Law and Order.
I did this for almost 2 hours this morning, and I am already bored, so I have decided to be productive.
Things I've noticed so far this week:
* The Freshdirect delivery man looks at you in a weird way when you order $30 worth of food... and $90 worth of Diet Coke.
* The contestants on The Price is Right are very good-looking. Or, my standards have dropped to a record low.
* I haven't paid bills for anything in roughly 3 months.
* The Sunday New York Times is very large.
* George Foreman grills are incredibly difficult to clean.
Other news to follow. Maybe.
I did this for almost 2 hours this morning, and I am already bored, so I have decided to be productive.
Things I've noticed so far this week:
* The Freshdirect delivery man looks at you in a weird way when you order $30 worth of food... and $90 worth of Diet Coke.
* The contestants on The Price is Right are very good-looking. Or, my standards have dropped to a record low.
* I haven't paid bills for anything in roughly 3 months.
* The Sunday New York Times is very large.
* George Foreman grills are incredibly difficult to clean.
Other news to follow. Maybe.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
What is your biggest flaw?
If I had to do a job interview, I'd use this as my one and only interview question. The responses fall into several categories:
1. The overly-scripted response. This person has played the game, knew that you'd ask that question, and has a statement ready. Although this is generally good, if you can tell it's scripted, it defeats the purpose. This person is out.
2. The "I didn't think you'd ask that question, but I'll make up an answer I think you'll like. These are the worst. Usually the responses include "Being overly punctual" or "Caring too much about the quality of my work". Did that line get you hired at McDonalds? Yeah? Then go back there.
3. The "I don't know." Honest, yes, but come back with something, anything.
4. The real response. Most people either don't know this or won't say it.
I think my "real response" would be my tendency to make blogs and not update them.
1. The overly-scripted response. This person has played the game, knew that you'd ask that question, and has a statement ready. Although this is generally good, if you can tell it's scripted, it defeats the purpose. This person is out.
2. The "I didn't think you'd ask that question, but I'll make up an answer I think you'll like. These are the worst. Usually the responses include "Being overly punctual" or "Caring too much about the quality of my work". Did that line get you hired at McDonalds? Yeah? Then go back there.
3. The "I don't know." Honest, yes, but come back with something, anything.
4. The real response. Most people either don't know this or won't say it.
I think my "real response" would be my tendency to make blogs and not update them.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Saturday Morning
I woke up today, Saturday, around 9. I threw on some clothes and walked the 20 feet to Starbucks. I ordered my usual coffee, donut, and NY Times. When I came back I chatted with some neighbors, then ventured up to my apartment to sit on my patio in the 70-degree weather and read my paper. What an excellent morning.
One of the stories I gravitated to was about the surge in New Orleans murders. There have been 8 already this year (yes, 2007). Most of them were males shot in bad neighborhoods, but one case was particularly scary. A couple in their mid-thirties were both shot by an intruder in their home early Thursday morning. As I read the article, I kept looking at their picture. It's not a wedding picture or a "professional" photo taken at Sears.
As you can see, it's much more private than that. It looks like they were out one night when one of their friends randomly snapped a picture. The couple is not posed, and the guy is even holding his hand up in mock indignation (or in greeting, I'm not really sure which). I'm not sure why the picture affected me so much. I think it's because I could easily have a picture like this on my wall. Or I could easily be in a picture like this. I could be that woman. I could be Helen Hill who was shot to death in her own home, while her husband (who was also shot) watched and held their two-year-old daughter.
It's scary when something like this causes a dent in your sense of security. I like my blanket of invulnerability that I feel day to day. Of course I don't live without danger - but I kind of feel like I do. I don't know if I got this from a worry-free childhood, or from the Midwest, or if it's just an ingrained part of my personality, but I like it. I do know that I, like all of you reading this, will die. I also know that chances are it will be painful and "before my time". But at least I'm happy now. If nothing else I've had 23 damn good years, which is more than many others have.
**This post is depressing, random, and un-edited. It's a stream of consciousness caused by the unseasonably warm weather.
One of the stories I gravitated to was about the surge in New Orleans murders. There have been 8 already this year (yes, 2007). Most of them were males shot in bad neighborhoods, but one case was particularly scary. A couple in their mid-thirties were both shot by an intruder in their home early Thursday morning. As I read the article, I kept looking at their picture. It's not a wedding picture or a "professional" photo taken at Sears.
As you can see, it's much more private than that. It looks like they were out one night when one of their friends randomly snapped a picture. The couple is not posed, and the guy is even holding his hand up in mock indignation (or in greeting, I'm not really sure which). I'm not sure why the picture affected me so much. I think it's because I could easily have a picture like this on my wall. Or I could easily be in a picture like this. I could be that woman. I could be Helen Hill who was shot to death in her own home, while her husband (who was also shot) watched and held their two-year-old daughter.
It's scary when something like this causes a dent in your sense of security. I like my blanket of invulnerability that I feel day to day. Of course I don't live without danger - but I kind of feel like I do. I don't know if I got this from a worry-free childhood, or from the Midwest, or if it's just an ingrained part of my personality, but I like it. I do know that I, like all of you reading this, will die. I also know that chances are it will be painful and "before my time". But at least I'm happy now. If nothing else I've had 23 damn good years, which is more than many others have.
**This post is depressing, random, and un-edited. It's a stream of consciousness caused by the unseasonably warm weather.
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