* I am currently wearing a winter hat (with ear flaps and strings, and a puffball on top), a college t-shirt, and rolled up sweatpants. (All in different shades of red).
* I get up at 6:30 AM on Saturdays and clean, although that is the ONLY time that I clean.
* I shred lots of things in my shredder. In fact, I shred every chance I get. I am tempted to shred the NY Times.
* I have an odd schedule for someone who works a regular job. It's not uncommon for me to go to bed at 5 (am OR pm) and wake up at 5 (am OR pm).
* I watch weird shows.
* I talk to myself. I often laugh at jokes in the shower. Often they are ones that I previously made. "Hah! I said that yesterday. That was HILARIOUS."
* I get lots of deliveries. Let's leave this one alone.
* I have lots of visitors. Some at odd hours.
* I produce a lot of garbage - most of it is Diet Coke containers.
* They hear me shouting things like "BREW NOW BROWN COW" and "THATS MY HOUSE" - even though I live alone.
* I watch them.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Concrete Plan for The Weekend of Productivity
1. Read all three Scientific American magazines that I received yesterday. Apparently when I subscribed for a year, they thought I meant a year's worth of back issues, all in one day. They were mistaken.
2. Drink coffee. And water. And juice. Basically just drink a lot, but not alcohol. Unless it's in coffee. Or water. Or Juice.
3. Lesson-plan, grade, and all that other teacher blah-blah.
4. Hang out with Shoop Shoop. Although, I haven't actually discussed that with her.
5. Get groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot to be worth the $5 delivery charge, but I think I may have ordered too much. I can always store them on the patio... or in the "fireplace".
6. Watch a ton of TV. Normally this wouldn't be "productive", but as anyone who knows me knows, I do my best work with a low level of distraction.
[As evidenced by this post I am NOT an English teacher.]
2. Drink coffee. And water. And juice. Basically just drink a lot, but not alcohol. Unless it's in coffee. Or water. Or Juice.
3. Lesson-plan, grade, and all that other teacher blah-blah.
4. Hang out with Shoop Shoop. Although, I haven't actually discussed that with her.
5. Get groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot to be worth the $5 delivery charge, but I think I may have ordered too much. I can always store them on the patio... or in the "fireplace".
6. Watch a ton of TV. Normally this wouldn't be "productive", but as anyone who knows me knows, I do my best work with a low level of distraction.
[As evidenced by this post I am NOT an English teacher.]
More things for Kristin, or Perry, as I like to call her.
* The weekend of productivity has begun! I went to sleep last night at 8. Yes, 8 PM. And (predictibly) I woke up before 7:00 AM. In the first half hour of productivity (It's 7:30 right now), I have made coffee, put in Home Movies, and I threw some stuff away.
* Season 1, Disc 3, episode 1 (on the disc) of Home Movies is my classroom. I actually had some students confuse biography with biology. However, my students are not 7 (as they are on the show); they are 14.
* The plan for today: Clean up my sty of an apartment. It may take forever, but I am prepared.
* Speaking of stys (sties?), one of my students told me she had a sty so she had to go to the doctor the previous day. I replied with "Eww Gross, get away." But it also reminded me of Sex and the City with the pigeon, which made me laugh.
* That's all I've got for now. I must continue with the Weekend of Productivity.
* Season 1, Disc 3, episode 1 (on the disc) of Home Movies is my classroom. I actually had some students confuse biography with biology. However, my students are not 7 (as they are on the show); they are 14.
* The plan for today: Clean up my sty of an apartment. It may take forever, but I am prepared.
* Speaking of stys (sties?), one of my students told me she had a sty so she had to go to the doctor the previous day. I replied with "Eww Gross, get away." But it also reminded me of Sex and the City with the pigeon, which made me laugh.
* That's all I've got for now. I must continue with the Weekend of Productivity.
Friday, November 03, 2006
A new update!
I've decided to make a post titled "Things Kristin would be interested to know." It was normally things I would just email her, but I thought, why not include everyone in on the fun?
* Oprah is a downer. However, Ellen is quite uplifting. Moral of the story: gay people are more entertaining. (It's science.)
* I just ordered approximately 3,500 servings of diet coke from fresh direct to be delivered to me tomorrow at 1:00 PM. However, I also just bought a 12-pack to tide me over until then.
* I have decided to be a hermit this weekend, not going out at all. It's very invigorating.
* I have also decided that historians will look back on this weekend as "That weekend that lindsey was productive". But, I will not start until tomorrow.
* Paris Hilton is dumb. I mean, like, really dumb.
* I often perch on the edge of my sofa to lean forward to type on my computer. After 20 minutes my back starts to hurt, and I realize that I own a laptop, and I can indeed place it on my the top of my lap.
* The two diet coke can holders you keep in the freezer are the best purchase I have ever made. I bought them when I was 11 for about 2 bucks each, and I have used them approximately 6 billion times.
* We (Kristin and I) should make a soap opera a part of our weekly show. Also-we shoud really start a show. We can start with an audio podcast, then video podcast, then Thursdays at 8:00 PM preceding The Office on NBC.
* If given the chance, I would definitely have sex with Ellen. But not Oprah. (Can you tell that I'm watching afternoon television while typing this?)
* I like those little cheeses covered in wax. I don't particuly like the cheese, but you can mold the wax into shapes. During a conference, I accidentally smeared a shiny wood table full of sticky wax because I was rolling it into a ball.
* 88 ounces is not 8 ounces, which is the mistake I made that caused my last purchase which is currently in my kitchen. Sigh.
* There is a store in my hometown that has "bag sales", where you can buy a bag of clothes for 5 dollars. It's like good-will. I want to buy all of my clothes there.
* The Britch Parliament on C-Span is by far the best show on televison. Hear hear! Poppycock!
The End. For Now. Dream of me.
* Oprah is a downer. However, Ellen is quite uplifting. Moral of the story: gay people are more entertaining. (It's science.)
* I just ordered approximately 3,500 servings of diet coke from fresh direct to be delivered to me tomorrow at 1:00 PM. However, I also just bought a 12-pack to tide me over until then.
* I have decided to be a hermit this weekend, not going out at all. It's very invigorating.
* I have also decided that historians will look back on this weekend as "That weekend that lindsey was productive". But, I will not start until tomorrow.
* Paris Hilton is dumb. I mean, like, really dumb.
* I often perch on the edge of my sofa to lean forward to type on my computer. After 20 minutes my back starts to hurt, and I realize that I own a laptop, and I can indeed place it on my the top of my lap.
* The two diet coke can holders you keep in the freezer are the best purchase I have ever made. I bought them when I was 11 for about 2 bucks each, and I have used them approximately 6 billion times.
* We (Kristin and I) should make a soap opera a part of our weekly show. Also-we shoud really start a show. We can start with an audio podcast, then video podcast, then Thursdays at 8:00 PM preceding The Office on NBC.
* If given the chance, I would definitely have sex with Ellen. But not Oprah. (Can you tell that I'm watching afternoon television while typing this?)
* I like those little cheeses covered in wax. I don't particuly like the cheese, but you can mold the wax into shapes. During a conference, I accidentally smeared a shiny wood table full of sticky wax because I was rolling it into a ball.
* 88 ounces is not 8 ounces, which is the mistake I made that caused my last purchase which is currently in my kitchen. Sigh.
* There is a store in my hometown that has "bag sales", where you can buy a bag of clothes for 5 dollars. It's like good-will. I want to buy all of my clothes there.
* The Britch Parliament on C-Span is by far the best show on televison. Hear hear! Poppycock!
The End. For Now. Dream of me.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Liberalism makes my head hurt
I still mostly consider myself a liberal, mostly. But some of the liberal arguments make me feel like I'm having a conversation with my students. (No, you're not allowed to swear in class. Yes, 'fuck' is a swear word. No, swearing to god is not a swear word. Yes, you'll get in trouble if you swear that you're going to kill someone, but not because you're swearing.)
I know I said this wouldn't be a political blog, but the New York Times is making me re-think that. The issue that's pissing me off:
Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart stock kind of sucks, especially since it made 312 billion in sales last year alone. 312 billion, people. That's $312,000,000,000. So to raise their stocks they are going to cut down on old workers who make a lot and get health insurance, and move to more part-time younger workers that cost less and have more flexible schedules. Makes sense, right?
Also, the first Wal-Mart in Chicago opened it's doors just a few days ago. More than 15,000 people were vying for the store's 490 jobs. That means that less than 1 in 30 applicants were actually given one of those snazzy blue vests. Common sense would say that Wal-Mart should be able to pay what they need to to get qualified workers. Are they forcing a small group of needy people to earn minimum wage while doing horrific work? Are they evil employers with sweatshop children being paid 5 cents an hour to stock their shelves? No! If 15,000 people want to work at ONE store, they can pay whatever the hell they want to and still get some decent employees (and let's face it, Wal-Mart's standards of a "decent" employee are pretty lenient).
Some complaints in today's NY Times include that workers are forced to work at night sometimes, which interferes with their ability to cook dinner and read to their children. Are you kidding me? You work at Wal-Mart. Just because you have a job doesn't mean you should have complete control in scheduling and wages. You work at Wal-Mart! It's probably open 24 hours! You are not an upper-level manager with a degree in business management. Stop bitching, and if it's so damn bad, quit and find another job. There has already been an ordinance proposed (and vetoed) in Chicago to make Wal-Mart pay their workers $10 an hour by 2010. If all of the 490 employees are upset enough by this to quit, then quit! They'll just go to the remaining 14,510 people who still want to work there.
This is what I've been shoving into my childrens' heads for the last 4 weeks. Without an education, you are guaranteed nothing. You are not guaranteed that you'll be home to read to your kids, or have dinner with your family. You are not guaranteed that if you work 40 hours a week you'll have enough to feed your family and pay all your bills. There is a system, however, that does guarantee you these things regardless of education. It's called communism. And in case you haven't heard, it doesn't work.
Moral of the story: If being employed by Wal-Mart is so horrible, quit. There'll be thousands of people willing to take your place. If you don't like the capitalist system that makes this all possible, move. I hear that Cuba doesn't even have a Wal-Mart, so you'd be good to go on both counts.
Okay, so maybe I'm not a liberal anymore...
I know I said this wouldn't be a political blog, but the New York Times is making me re-think that. The issue that's pissing me off:
Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart stock kind of sucks, especially since it made 312 billion in sales last year alone. 312 billion, people. That's $312,000,000,000. So to raise their stocks they are going to cut down on old workers who make a lot and get health insurance, and move to more part-time younger workers that cost less and have more flexible schedules. Makes sense, right?
Also, the first Wal-Mart in Chicago opened it's doors just a few days ago. More than 15,000 people were vying for the store's 490 jobs. That means that less than 1 in 30 applicants were actually given one of those snazzy blue vests. Common sense would say that Wal-Mart should be able to pay what they need to to get qualified workers. Are they forcing a small group of needy people to earn minimum wage while doing horrific work? Are they evil employers with sweatshop children being paid 5 cents an hour to stock their shelves? No! If 15,000 people want to work at ONE store, they can pay whatever the hell they want to and still get some decent employees (and let's face it, Wal-Mart's standards of a "decent" employee are pretty lenient).
Some complaints in today's NY Times include that workers are forced to work at night sometimes, which interferes with their ability to cook dinner and read to their children. Are you kidding me? You work at Wal-Mart. Just because you have a job doesn't mean you should have complete control in scheduling and wages. You work at Wal-Mart! It's probably open 24 hours! You are not an upper-level manager with a degree in business management. Stop bitching, and if it's so damn bad, quit and find another job. There has already been an ordinance proposed (and vetoed) in Chicago to make Wal-Mart pay their workers $10 an hour by 2010. If all of the 490 employees are upset enough by this to quit, then quit! They'll just go to the remaining 14,510 people who still want to work there.
This is what I've been shoving into my childrens' heads for the last 4 weeks. Without an education, you are guaranteed nothing. You are not guaranteed that you'll be home to read to your kids, or have dinner with your family. You are not guaranteed that if you work 40 hours a week you'll have enough to feed your family and pay all your bills. There is a system, however, that does guarantee you these things regardless of education. It's called communism. And in case you haven't heard, it doesn't work.
Moral of the story: If being employed by Wal-Mart is so horrible, quit. There'll be thousands of people willing to take your place. If you don't like the capitalist system that makes this all possible, move. I hear that Cuba doesn't even have a Wal-Mart, so you'd be good to go on both counts.
Okay, so maybe I'm not a liberal anymore...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Vast Generalities
Women are very different than men. Women say that men are stoic and uncompromising, whereas men say that women are over-emotional and irrational. This has spurred many studies and books and movies, and has generally baffled mankind since the beginning of, well, mankind.
I have the answer.
Men can see the path in front of them, whereas women live in the moment. When a serious relationship ends, men see it as just another step in their life and can move on and get over the relationship much quicker. They spend much less time pondering "what could have been" and simply accept the fact that it didn't work out and it's for the best.
Women, however, can only see that moment of emotional distress. They mourn the relationship as if it were a dead friend. They don't see that there will be another man in their future. They do not remember the faults of the relationship, but they dwell on the good parts - selectively ignoring the glaring reasons the relationship ended.
This is true in day to day male-female interactions as well. When I have an argument with a male, I don't see that it will be better tomorrow. I feel that I am sad and angry RIGHT NOW, and therefore will always be sad and angry. Therefore, when I do have a fight, I want it to end as soon as possible and have the relationship go back to normal immediately. When guys get angry, they need to just be angry for a while, cool down, then everything will be okay. Girls (especially myself) need the comfort of knowing (as soon as possible) that everything is better. They don't see the big picture.
This mindset causes women to act crazy - like it's their last day on earth, or that that man is their soulmate - even if we (deep down) know that he wasn't. Men come across as cold and heartless, even though in actuality they just have the foresight to not emotionally break down when placed in an emotionally explosive situation.
I think this also causes women to give in to things they'd rather not give in to. They think it's better to let him choose the restaurant or the movie or who has to make dinner rather than risk enduring the uneasy argument stage.
I may very well be completely off-base here. Or, I'm not, but I want to avoid any sort of tense altercations.
I have the answer.
Men can see the path in front of them, whereas women live in the moment. When a serious relationship ends, men see it as just another step in their life and can move on and get over the relationship much quicker. They spend much less time pondering "what could have been" and simply accept the fact that it didn't work out and it's for the best.
Women, however, can only see that moment of emotional distress. They mourn the relationship as if it were a dead friend. They don't see that there will be another man in their future. They do not remember the faults of the relationship, but they dwell on the good parts - selectively ignoring the glaring reasons the relationship ended.
This is true in day to day male-female interactions as well. When I have an argument with a male, I don't see that it will be better tomorrow. I feel that I am sad and angry RIGHT NOW, and therefore will always be sad and angry. Therefore, when I do have a fight, I want it to end as soon as possible and have the relationship go back to normal immediately. When guys get angry, they need to just be angry for a while, cool down, then everything will be okay. Girls (especially myself) need the comfort of knowing (as soon as possible) that everything is better. They don't see the big picture.
This mindset causes women to act crazy - like it's their last day on earth, or that that man is their soulmate - even if we (deep down) know that he wasn't. Men come across as cold and heartless, even though in actuality they just have the foresight to not emotionally break down when placed in an emotionally explosive situation.
I think this also causes women to give in to things they'd rather not give in to. They think it's better to let him choose the restaurant or the movie or who has to make dinner rather than risk enduring the uneasy argument stage.
I may very well be completely off-base here. Or, I'm not, but I want to avoid any sort of tense altercations.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Fall Lineup Reviews
"The Class" - ABC Mondays 8:00
I give it one thumb up. It has potential, although it seems to force the humor sometimes.
"The Office" - NBC Thursdays 8:30
Best show ever, or at least on network television.
That's all I've watched so far, and I'm only speculating on The Office.
I probably should have watched more than one show before I wrote this...
I give it one thumb up. It has potential, although it seems to force the humor sometimes.
"The Office" - NBC Thursdays 8:30
Best show ever, or at least on network television.
That's all I've watched so far, and I'm only speculating on The Office.
I probably should have watched more than one show before I wrote this...
Free Granola Bar! (link)
Am I the only one who doesn't care whether or not he eats the box, but I just want my free granola bar?
It ain't just apples and chalkdust anymore, folks.
Since i became a NYC public school teacher:
1. I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life.
2. I have much more respect for all public school teachers, especially my mother.
3. I have strained my vocal chords to their very limits.
4. I get up every day at 5:30.
5. I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep a night.
6. I have used "word" to mean the affirmative.
7. I have been told on several occasions that "I be beastin'."
8. I realize that talking about standards and soft bigotry and institutional failure does nothing. At the end of the day, most of my kids still cannot do what most white kids can do by 3rd grade.
9. I have become a proponent for trade school instead of the "Unless you're going to college, this is pretty useless to you" approach.
10. I hate the system. I hate the system that puts a girl in my class who cannot speak English but is not considered ESL because her first language is not Spanish, it's French. I hate the system that thinks that the solution to bad teaching is forcing students to take huge tests, then retake the class if they fail. I hate the system that will fire me if I do not put an "aim" on the board each day but lets hundreds of kids slip through the cracks.
11. When I come home at night, I want to cry. Often I do. It's not for any particular reason or for any reason at all.
12. I cannot watch TV dramas anymore. Law and Order isn't as cool when the 16-year-old that was shot on TV could be the same kid in my class.
13. I chastise kids in public. "Why are you hanging out on this street corner? Shouldn't you be on your way home, or doing schoolwork?"
14. I get angrier at young kids who misbehave in public. If I can quiet a class of 34 rowdy 14-year-olds in an 85 degree room to learn the scientific method, you should be able to quiet one 5-year-old that came out of your own body.
15. I hate copiers, and printers, and most technology.
16. My lunch is a diet coke. Maybe also a breakfast bar, but usually just the diet coke.
17. I hate the fact that my kids have to get to class 30 minutes earlier than kids at other schools, just to get through security.
18. I have very little respect for the program I'm in. It's like we spent 9 weeks learning about the physics of the backstroke, then were dumped into the ocean and told to swim 2 miles to shore.
Will I make it through the end of my program (2-3 years)? Maybe.
Will I make it to the end of this year? Maybe.
Will I make it to the end of this week? Maybe.
All I know is that I didn't quit today, and I'm planning on going in tomorrow.
Now I'm going to go cry for no reason. No reason at all.
1. I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life.
2. I have much more respect for all public school teachers, especially my mother.
3. I have strained my vocal chords to their very limits.
4. I get up every day at 5:30.
5. I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep a night.
6. I have used "word" to mean the affirmative.
7. I have been told on several occasions that "I be beastin'."
8. I realize that talking about standards and soft bigotry and institutional failure does nothing. At the end of the day, most of my kids still cannot do what most white kids can do by 3rd grade.
9. I have become a proponent for trade school instead of the "Unless you're going to college, this is pretty useless to you" approach.
10. I hate the system. I hate the system that puts a girl in my class who cannot speak English but is not considered ESL because her first language is not Spanish, it's French. I hate the system that thinks that the solution to bad teaching is forcing students to take huge tests, then retake the class if they fail. I hate the system that will fire me if I do not put an "aim" on the board each day but lets hundreds of kids slip through the cracks.
11. When I come home at night, I want to cry. Often I do. It's not for any particular reason or for any reason at all.
12. I cannot watch TV dramas anymore. Law and Order isn't as cool when the 16-year-old that was shot on TV could be the same kid in my class.
13. I chastise kids in public. "Why are you hanging out on this street corner? Shouldn't you be on your way home, or doing schoolwork?"
14. I get angrier at young kids who misbehave in public. If I can quiet a class of 34 rowdy 14-year-olds in an 85 degree room to learn the scientific method, you should be able to quiet one 5-year-old that came out of your own body.
15. I hate copiers, and printers, and most technology.
16. My lunch is a diet coke. Maybe also a breakfast bar, but usually just the diet coke.
17. I hate the fact that my kids have to get to class 30 minutes earlier than kids at other schools, just to get through security.
18. I have very little respect for the program I'm in. It's like we spent 9 weeks learning about the physics of the backstroke, then were dumped into the ocean and told to swim 2 miles to shore.
Will I make it through the end of my program (2-3 years)? Maybe.
Will I make it to the end of this year? Maybe.
Will I make it to the end of this week? Maybe.
All I know is that I didn't quit today, and I'm planning on going in tomorrow.
Now I'm going to go cry for no reason. No reason at all.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Movies Everyone Should See
The Exorcist
Friday the 13th
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Casablanca
The Matchmaker
Under the Tuscan Sun
So I Married an Axe Murderer
The Muppet Christmas Carol
When Harry Met Sally
Ghostbusters
Rosemary's Baby
Final Destination 1 (and maybe 2)
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Birds
The Laramie Project
Jaws
Philadelphia
Psycho
Real Women Have Curves
Tommy Boy
Black Sheep
E.T.
Love Actually
Say Anything
My Girl
My Girl 2
Silence of the Lambs
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Sixteen Candles
Thank You for Smoking
Now and Then
Poltergeist
The Way We Were
And the Band Played On
The Breakfast Club
Calendar Girls
Dead Poet's Society
Father of the Bride
Father of the Bride II
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Add yours in comments...
Friday the 13th
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Casablanca
The Matchmaker
Under the Tuscan Sun
So I Married an Axe Murderer
The Muppet Christmas Carol
When Harry Met Sally
Ghostbusters
Rosemary's Baby
Final Destination 1 (and maybe 2)
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Birds
The Laramie Project
Jaws
Philadelphia
Psycho
Real Women Have Curves
Tommy Boy
Black Sheep
E.T.
Love Actually
Say Anything
My Girl
My Girl 2
Silence of the Lambs
Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Sixteen Candles
Thank You for Smoking
Now and Then
Poltergeist
The Way We Were
And the Band Played On
The Breakfast Club
Calendar Girls
Dead Poet's Society
Father of the Bride
Father of the Bride II
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Add yours in comments...
Monday, September 04, 2006
Call me Miss Orayduh
Tomorrow I start teaching. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little freaked out. I'll have 5 classes with about 200 kids total. Yikes.
Well, wish me luck.
Well, wish me luck.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Ode to Coffee
Coffee
Black or with cream and equal,
Italian, from Starbucks, brewed on extra-strong,
I love you.
Coffee.
Coffee
You are made in my beautiful red coffee-maker,
Black and hot, you come out,
Giving me caffeine.
Coffee.
Coffee
You have made me short and given me coffee breath,
But I don't care.
Coffee.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
When am I grown up?
When I was in kindergarten, my definition of "grown up" was being in sixth grade. Then when I got to sixth grade, I thought that high-schoolers were grown up. Of course in high school, the college kids were the true adults in my mind. This leads me to the question...
When are we truly adults?
People my age are getting married, having kids, getting "real" jobs, buying houses... but is that what makes you an adult? By most standards, I probably am all grown up, but let's look at the evidence.
FOR being an adult:
* I have my own apartment, in NYC no less.
* I have credit cards, my own bank account, and I actually OWN furniture.
* I have a job that comes with a significant amount of reaponsibility and also gives me a health insurance.
* I do "adult" things like go to bars, have dinner parties, watch the news.
* I pay the adult fare for things like movies and museums.
* When I meet people they ask me if I'm married, or have kids.
* I can kill spiders by myself.
AGAINST being an adult:
* I have the sense of humor of a pubescent boy.
* I still get most of my clothes from stores like American Eagle, or the Gap.
* I cannot walk in high heels. Or medium heels. Sometimes I have problems walking in general.
* I don't make grocery lists. When I go to the grocery store I shop like a 6-year-old left alone. This means that I end up buying boxes of cereal for the toys and ice cream and things that are shiny and new and no nutritional value.
* I don't cook. I make things like scrambled eggs and spaghetti, but I rarely make things that require more than 3 steps.
* I get drunk. Not a lot, but I partake in what others might call "binge-drinking" on occasion.
* I do things I regret. A lot. For example, I might get into a beer fight that ends on the floor of a bar with a tall man on top of me.
* I sleep in. Sometimes past noon.
* I find little things amusing. I can stare at a frolicking squirrel for hours.
* I make lewd jokes and comments. "That's what she said" and "Your Mom" are a normal part of my vocabulary.
* The thought of getting married and/or having kids petrifies me.
* I do not plan my life more than 6 months in advance. I absolutely do not understand people who know what they'll be doing in 10 years.
* I love kidstuff, like board games and toy stores and bubbles.
So, what's the verdict? Am I an adult?
When are we truly adults?
People my age are getting married, having kids, getting "real" jobs, buying houses... but is that what makes you an adult? By most standards, I probably am all grown up, but let's look at the evidence.
FOR being an adult:
* I have my own apartment, in NYC no less.
* I have credit cards, my own bank account, and I actually OWN furniture.
* I have a job that comes with a significant amount of reaponsibility and also gives me a health insurance.
* I do "adult" things like go to bars, have dinner parties, watch the news.
* I pay the adult fare for things like movies and museums.
* When I meet people they ask me if I'm married, or have kids.
* I can kill spiders by myself.
AGAINST being an adult:
* I have the sense of humor of a pubescent boy.
* I still get most of my clothes from stores like American Eagle, or the Gap.
* I cannot walk in high heels. Or medium heels. Sometimes I have problems walking in general.
* I don't make grocery lists. When I go to the grocery store I shop like a 6-year-old left alone. This means that I end up buying boxes of cereal for the toys and ice cream and things that are shiny and new and no nutritional value.
* I don't cook. I make things like scrambled eggs and spaghetti, but I rarely make things that require more than 3 steps.
* I get drunk. Not a lot, but I partake in what others might call "binge-drinking" on occasion.
* I do things I regret. A lot. For example, I might get into a beer fight that ends on the floor of a bar with a tall man on top of me.
* I sleep in. Sometimes past noon.
* I find little things amusing. I can stare at a frolicking squirrel for hours.
* I make lewd jokes and comments. "That's what she said" and "Your Mom" are a normal part of my vocabulary.
* The thought of getting married and/or having kids petrifies me.
* I do not plan my life more than 6 months in advance. I absolutely do not understand people who know what they'll be doing in 10 years.
* I love kidstuff, like board games and toy stores and bubbles.
So, what's the verdict? Am I an adult?
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Embarrassment
I do not get embarrassed easily. When I read the Cosmo's Embarassing Stories, I laugh, usually because not only are the stories not actually embarrassing, but things like that happen to me on a daily basis. People who embarass easily obviously don't have much fun in life, because they are unable to let themselves go publically.
On a related note, I just got into a beer fight at my favorite NYC bar with my friend Dan. It started with me innocently pouring beer into his glass (it was empty), and ended with us both covered in beer (I had beer in my shirt, he had beer all over his crotch... also I think he peed himself, but that's another story altogether), on the floor of Rudy's (#1 dive bar in NYC), with him on top of me, my shoe off, and both of us sticky.
Now I must handwash my clothes and shower. Thank you, Dan, for a wonderful evening.
On a related note, I just got into a beer fight at my favorite NYC bar with my friend Dan. It started with me innocently pouring beer into his glass (it was empty), and ended with us both covered in beer (I had beer in my shirt, he had beer all over his crotch... also I think he peed himself, but that's another story altogether), on the floor of Rudy's (#1 dive bar in NYC), with him on top of me, my shoe off, and both of us sticky.
Now I must handwash my clothes and shower. Thank you, Dan, for a wonderful evening.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Are YOU likely to be a serial killer? (link)
Even if I had all of the qualities of a potential serial killer (which I really don't), I think my lack of follow-through would prevent me from ever actually... well, following through.
My favorite quote is: "So in addition to the fact that I'm a stand-up guy who would never do anything to harm her, and that she's the love of my life and I would be a miserable empty shell of a man without her, Andrea should also rest easy knowing that I'd never kill her because there is no way I could survive without her half of the rent."
My favorite quote is: "So in addition to the fact that I'm a stand-up guy who would never do anything to harm her, and that she's the love of my life and I would be a miserable empty shell of a man without her, Andrea should also rest easy knowing that I'd never kill her because there is no way I could survive without her half of the rent."
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Vague, yet dramatic, much like myself
My horoscope for today:
The same old attitudes about life aren't cutting it anymore -- seek contrary ideas.
The same old attitudes about life aren't cutting it anymore -- seek contrary ideas.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
RIP, Mitch Hedberg, RIP. (link)
Most definitely one of the funniest comedians ever.
If you haven't actually heard him, I suggest you download either audio or video of one of his performances, so that when you read all of his jokes, you can hear them how he would say them.
I was going to list some of my favorites, but there are too many. Just read the website.
Friday, July 28, 2006
This was an email, but it's too good of a story not to share.
I most definitely got WASTED at our 30 minute "wine and cheese reception" and then spent the next 2 hours in and out of the bathroom throwing up at City College when I was supposed to be watching a movie about special ed. Then I came home and passed out when everyone else went out to celebrate our class being over... I just woke up.
They had this horrible boxed wine, and they ran out so most people just got a glass or two (if that). So people kept coming to our table to ask us if they could have some of ours. I was like the wine nazi.
Girl: "Can I have two glasses of your wine? It's for me and my friend."
Lindsey: "Well, you can have ONE glass. Which glass would you like me to fill?"
Girl: "Um... this one?"
Lindsey: "Fine."
We had about 4 carafes to ourselves because I hijacked some under a sweater, then a classmate and I sweettalked a guy in the kitchen into giving us two more. I had only had a bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies and a can of diet coke to eat for the entire day. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Eric: What are we doing this afternoon?
Lindsey: We're watching a movie about retarded kids.
Tiffany (girl from my class who appears quite innocent): We're watching a movie about what it's like to be special ed in the classroom.
Lindsey: Yeah. What did I say?
The best part of the evening (and by evening I mean time span from 3:30 to 4:00 pm) was probably when I did an imitation of Judith (the crazy teacher we got to quit/got fired) and what she would be like if she was having sex with Eric. (all done very loudly and with a Bronx accent)
NO! THAT'S NOT THE CLITORIS! DAMNIT I'M FROM THE BRONX, BITCH.
JUST RUB IT! RUB IT HARDER! FUCK YOU! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB? ARE YOU RETARDED?
JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. LET ME DO IT MYSELF. JUST GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND MASTURBATE. JESUS.
I shouted this all during this very innocent reception. It was such a bad idea to give us wine. Bad idea. I think I'm going to lie to everyone and just say I was wandering around looking at things. When I got back to class I had 7 missed calls from people asking where I was.
Another good one:
Lindsey: How much wine do you think there is?
Millie (Girl who is hilarious because she is only 20 and spent a year in nun-school before deciding that she didn't want to be a nun. She has my sense of maturity and evilness. When people ask why she quit nun-school she says "Because I needed the cock.") Well I think there will be a lot, because they get enough for everyone... and some people don't drink.
Lindsey: Yeah, those people are dumb.
Millie: Sometimes religious people don't drink.
Lindsey: What?! Why not? It's the blood of Christ for God's sake.
Several people glare at us while Millie (ex-future-Nun) doubles over in laughter.
And I just realized I have NOTHING to wear tomorrow. I was going to do laundry today... but getting drunk at 3:30 isn't really conducive to that. Looks like it's "poufy skirt and sweatshirt" day... again...
Haha, my horoscope: How can you have a life if you spend all your time worrying about what might happen? Courage is just fear that has a sense of faith. Acknowledge all your worries and then resolve to move forward anyway. "I'm going to get really drunk because I haven't eaten anything today..." It freaks me out when horoscopes are so damn correct.
Okay... I just took half a tylenol pm so I'm off to bed. I hope that you had a fun night as well. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow, assuming I don't spend the whole day in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
They had this horrible boxed wine, and they ran out so most people just got a glass or two (if that). So people kept coming to our table to ask us if they could have some of ours. I was like the wine nazi.
Girl: "Can I have two glasses of your wine? It's for me and my friend."
Lindsey: "Well, you can have ONE glass. Which glass would you like me to fill?"
Girl: "Um... this one?"
Lindsey: "Fine."
We had about 4 carafes to ourselves because I hijacked some under a sweater, then a classmate and I sweettalked a guy in the kitchen into giving us two more. I had only had a bag of famous amos chocolate chip cookies and a can of diet coke to eat for the entire day. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Eric: What are we doing this afternoon?
Lindsey: We're watching a movie about retarded kids.
Tiffany (girl from my class who appears quite innocent): We're watching a movie about what it's like to be special ed in the classroom.
Lindsey: Yeah. What did I say?
The best part of the evening (and by evening I mean time span from 3:30 to 4:00 pm) was probably when I did an imitation of Judith (the crazy teacher we got to quit/got fired) and what she would be like if she was having sex with Eric. (all done very loudly and with a Bronx accent)
NO! THAT'S NOT THE CLITORIS! DAMNIT I'M FROM THE BRONX, BITCH.
JUST RUB IT! RUB IT HARDER! FUCK YOU! THAT'S NOT RIGHT, WHAT, ARE YOU DUMB? ARE YOU RETARDED?
JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY. LET ME DO IT MYSELF. JUST GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND MASTURBATE. JESUS.
I shouted this all during this very innocent reception. It was such a bad idea to give us wine. Bad idea. I think I'm going to lie to everyone and just say I was wandering around looking at things. When I got back to class I had 7 missed calls from people asking where I was.
Another good one:
Lindsey: How much wine do you think there is?
Millie (Girl who is hilarious because she is only 20 and spent a year in nun-school before deciding that she didn't want to be a nun. She has my sense of maturity and evilness. When people ask why she quit nun-school she says "Because I needed the cock.") Well I think there will be a lot, because they get enough for everyone... and some people don't drink.
Lindsey: Yeah, those people are dumb.
Millie: Sometimes religious people don't drink.
Lindsey: What?! Why not? It's the blood of Christ for God's sake.
Several people glare at us while Millie (ex-future-Nun) doubles over in laughter.
And I just realized I have NOTHING to wear tomorrow. I was going to do laundry today... but getting drunk at 3:30 isn't really conducive to that. Looks like it's "poufy skirt and sweatshirt" day... again...
Haha, my horoscope: How can you have a life if you spend all your time worrying about what might happen? Courage is just fear that has a sense of faith. Acknowledge all your worries and then resolve to move forward anyway. "I'm going to get really drunk because I haven't eaten anything today..." It freaks me out when horoscopes are so damn correct.
Okay... I just took half a tylenol pm so I'm off to bed. I hope that you had a fun night as well. I'm sure I'll talk to you tomorrow, assuming I don't spend the whole day in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
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