Sigh.

It is 3:30 AM, I am eating frosted mini-wheats, watching Supernanny and crying.

I'm going to miss vacation.

Movie Review: The Pick-Up Artist

Robert Downey Jr., Molly Ringwald, and New York City circa mid-1980's... what's not to love?

I recommend this movie because it's a cheesy romance that takes place in the New York City I wish I lived in. Robert Downey Jr. lives in an apartment on the UWS, Molly Ringwald works in the Museum of Natural History and lives on Coney Island, and they even drive INSIDE of Central Park. I love it.

Rent it, buy it, and give it a 10 on IMDB. (Right now it's a 4.5 - even Evolution got a 5.3... come on people.)

I cannot wait until it snows.

This still scares me...

Speaking of The "Real" World...

The Real World used to be amazing. I still think that its first season in 1992 is what made me want to move to NY. I was nine years old and the idea of a bunch of 20-somethings living together in NYC seemed like a dream come true. Now I would hate it, but I still like to watch. And this season is in Australia. I love Australia. And koala bears. Let me give you an update of what's happened so far this season:

There are 4 girls and 3 guys in the house. These are the people on the show:

*The blonde with the boyfriend.
"All of my girlfriends at home are stereotypically exactly like me." "This is a promise ring my parents gave me when I was 12 so I wouldn't have sex... I haven't really been following that..." [ps I never got a ring from my parents. I got a book. "Where Did I Come From?" There were cartoons of naked old people. Thanks Mom and Dad. Thanks.}

*The peppy brunette "fun" girl.
I have more respect for this girl than for the rest. Yes, she's slutty like the rest of them, but she's unapologetic. And she makes out with a guy and then goes shopping. The other girls seem to make out with guys, and then cry, and get drunk. And cry more.

*The non-quite-white girl.
I don't really care if The Real World is all white, but apparently many people do, so they have this girl who's just non-white enough to count. She pretends to be very mature, but isn't. She also got passed out drunk after a couple drinks.

*The other blonde girl.
I honestly thought there was only one blonde girl who just happened to be in most of the shots. So, I'm going to say that she's similar to blonde girl #1.

*Dunbar
He's a player, stereotypically hot, has a girlfriend at home. "I'm more proud to be Southern than I am to be American." "People's first impression of me, it's 50/50, it's either they absolutely hate me and then I have to spend the rest of our relationship getting them back to liking me or they absolutely love me and then I fuck up repeatedly. So I hope I can strike a balance with this experience." That's deep, Dunbar. Deep. PS Who the hell is named Dunbar?

*Cohutta
Cohutta (again, where did these names come from?) is from some very southern state and is utterly confused by how girls can be so pretty and yet so dumb and slutty at the same time. Oh, Cohutta. I like Cohutta. I kind of like his weird name too. Cohutta.

*Isaac
I liked Isaac immediately when he told blonde girl (I don't know which one) that he was going to vomit on her... about 3 minutes after meeting her. He also hooked up with one of the blonde girls and then regretted it. All in the first two episodes. It's okay, Isaac. If you throw up on them, I'll forgive you.


Before we question why I cannot remember any of the girls' names, but know all the guys', (actually, lets just avoid that altogether), let me reminisce about what the show used to be. It used to be normal people (actually normal, not just reality TV whore normal) and they would showcase the city they were staying in. Now it’s all about the drama. Sigh. Oh well, trashy show… I’ll still watch you. Until I start work again, and then you’ll be dead to me.

Anyone up for a trip to Australia?

I watch the Real World Australia to get quotes like this:

He's gonna give her the thunder from down undah. Mmm.

I haven't typed because I've been watching this.

Over and over again.

Apologies

I have not updated in a very long time. Kristin visted, and we were too busy doing fun NY things (like watching tv and playing board games).

Stories to come.

The Girls Next Door

I am a little bit obsessed with this show. It is yet another reality TV show, but so much better. Hugh Hefner - if you don't know who Hugh Hefner is, I'm not going to tell you - has 3 girlfriends. Oddly enough, it's 3 separate girlfriends, not some Mormon-esque love fest. They all live with him in the Playboy Mansion. This may be a dream of mine. Not to be Hefner's girlfriend, just to live in that house. Maybe I could get a job making coffee there or something.

I do like the girlfriends too. I think we could hang out and talk about boob jobs or blondes vs. brunettes or something... My favorite is Bridget. She's a little bit older than the other girlfriends (33), but you wouldn't guess it. She also has a master's degree in communications.

Holly is the main girlfriend and Kendra is the young one. I think if I moved in I would be "the brunette" or "the NY girl" or "that one with the ridiculously small boobs (comparatively)".

Annoy your roommate

Not that I would do any of these things, but just in case, don't tell Adam (my roommate). We'll ignore the fact that he reads this blog...

1. Buy a wardrobe. Sit in it and wait. When your roommate gets home, jump out of the wardrobe and tell your roommate you've been to Narnia. Tell him this until he agrees to go into the wardrobe to prove that there is a Narnia. Lock the wardrobe. Go on vacation.

2. Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.

3. Become your own twin sister and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.

4. Call your friend "Kristin" and talk to her on the phone while you watch the same tv show. If your roommate joins you, continue talking to Kristin as if she was there. Talk about your roommate as if he was not there. Tell Kristin every few minutes that you're glad your roommate can't hear you. If he talks to you, start crying and shouting "Can't you see I'm on the phone?!"

5. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"

6. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

7. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

8. Get a bunkbed. Sleep face down under your mattress on the bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.


Most of these were taken from www.roommatetricks.com.

Shark Sex Fact of the Day

"During mating, male sharks commonly bite females repeatedly in an attempt to grasp them for copulation. In a liquid environment, and without the facility of appendages that can grasp or clutch, the shark’s teeth are the next best thing. Sharks do not hesitate to make use of their copious and sharp supply for this purpose. For this reason, female sharks may have skin up to three times the thickness of the skin in males of the same species."

--Dr. Marcelo Carvalho

Yikes. Kind of puts a whole new spin on "Jaws".

This person is genius.

Soon to come: My ode to Frog and Ladybug, a la Brokeback Mountain. Two boys, living so close, but not nearly close enough...


Wah Wah Wah Waaaah Waaaaaah Wah wah. (That's the Brokeback Mountain Theme Song.)

My next birthday party... (link)

And this, ladies, is where you find a husband.


I especially like under "Warnings" where it says not to "daisy chain"...


If you don't know what a daisy chain is, look it up. Or ask a non-angry gay male friend.

It is not possible for you to be any nerdier... (link)

Unless you wrote a blog about organizing your comic collection with excel. Then, maybe.

Best Saturday Movies

You know the type... they're on TBS about 3 times a month, they show them on Saturday afternoons, and they're just perfect to sit down and watch with some popcorn.

The criteria:

1. Must be feel-good. You should leave the movie feeling, well, good.

2. Should be family oriented. It's Saturday, family day. What better than spending time with someone else's fictional family?

3. Prefereably they have Steve Martin. There's no rationale for Steve Martin, he just makes me feel safe. (Let's not delve too deeply into this one...)

4. They should be relatively simple to follow. If there are crazy plot twists, you have to think to much. It's Saturday. Don't do that.


My list:
1. Father of the Bride
2. Father of the Bride 2

I swear I had way more when I started this post...

For the Teachers

Next Season on Survivor

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 1 school year. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 - 32 students.

Each class will have a minimum of five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three students will be labeled with severe behavior problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance, with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create their materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also stand in their doorway between class changes to monitor the hallways.

In addition, they will complete fire drills, tornado drills, and [Code Red] drills for shooting attacks each month.

They must attend workshops, faculty meetings, and attend curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and PSSA tests. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment to motivate students at all times. If all students do not wish to cooperate, work, or learn, the teacher will be held responsible.

The business people will only have access to the public golf course on the weekends, but with their new salary, they may not be able to afford it. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to thirty minutes, which is not counted as part of their work day. The business people will be permitted to use a student restroom, as long as another survival candidate can supervise their class.

If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials before, or after, school. However, they cannot surpass their monthly limit of copies. The business people must continually advance their education, at their expense, and on their own time.

The winner of this Season of Survivor will be allowed to return to their job.


Pass this to your friends who think teaching is easy.

(I did not write this, I'm not that lame, but it is true.)

Random Thought of the Day

I might be speculating here, but it must be extremely difficult for stoned people to use chopsticks.

Unless of course they're Asian.

Then it would be difficult to use a fork.

I hope this isn't offensive.

Dear Diary,

I was at my parents' house this weekend and found my childhood diaries (at least the ones I didn't throw away), and let me tell you - it is a wonder that I was not in therapy as a child. Maybe that wasn't as big of a thing in the 80's, but they probably should have made an exception for me.

Most of my entries had three themes: Food, Gifts, and Boys. Here's a representative example:

February 14, 1992
Dear Diary,
Today was Valentine's Day. I got lots of presents. I got a card that sings - it's sooo cool! I also got a shirt, and a bear, and a pen, and some stickers, and some socks, and a troll, and a video. Then we ate macaroni and cheese and hot dogs and had cake and juice for dessert. I ate some candy too. And ice cream. I love Jeff*, he's sooo cute. I just want to see him naked and kiss him. I hope Jenny* doesn't talk to him and flirt with him like a bitch again. I hate Jenny.


*Names changed to protect the innocent.

Horoscopes

I love them. I'm a scorpio, which is of course the best sign. I read my horoscope almost every day, and I'll even change my plans because of them. However, usually mine says something like "Today will include things of different kinds. Some will be good, but others will be bad." Then I read it again at the end of the day and think "Yes! There were things! Good things AND bad! I'm going to an astrologer!"

But today (Tuesday), mine is: Wonderful news is coming -- you'll be forgiven for getting caught up in the moment!

Hmm.... I'm waiting.

What happened, Lindsay? (link)

When is this trashy celebrity phase going to end? And how will it end? Personally I think someone will die, or overdose themselves into a coma.

I'm not going to lie, though. I kind of like to read about it. Here are people who are richer, prettier, and definitely more famous than me, yet they can't even get their lives together. It makes me feel a little better about my late credit card payments and reality TV habits.