Airplane Fun

7:20 EST
I type this while I'm on my plane to New York. I'm also watching The Amityville Horror (the original, of course) on my computer. I had the great pleasure of being searched and frisked by a somewhat attractive, although not my type, security woman. Now the flight attendant is coming with the soda cart. I hope they have diet coke. It's the little things that make me happy.

7:22 EST
They did have diet coke! And it's in a can! And it's cold! I was going to buy some at the airport, but they, for some reason, didn't have any in the entire place. It's like a sign that I belong somewhere else... where diet coke roams free and not everything has a picture of cheese on it (even the cheese had a picture of cheese on it). However, I did buy my new roommate a cheesehead magnet. I suspect that she will love me forever because of this grand gesture. I also bought a pink stuffed frog.
I'd make something up about us starting a new adventure together, but I actually just like how it looks. So, here I am on my plane, with my laptop on watching a classic horror movie with a can of diet coke and a pink little frog. I'd be perfectly happy to stay here forever if the guy behind me didn't keep annoying playing with a loud plastic bag.

7:30 EST
I'm in the perfect seat to re-enact the classic twilight zone "There's... there's someone on the wing!" moment. But I think I've lost any credibility I had when I spent 30 minutes untangling my headphones, only to decide that I wanted the other headphones that were in my bag, untangled.

7:32 EST
To guy behind me: Die. Stop making bag sounds, and die.

7:33 EST
Note to anyone reading this over my shoulder: This is not a death threat, per se, but more of a death hope.

7:34 EST
Note to guy behind me, if you can read this: If this being a death threat would stop you making bag sounds, it is a death threat. To everyone else, especially prosecutors or airline staff of some kind, see 7:33 EST.

7:38 EST
Figured out that I can change my word document to be blue, with white text. I'm not sure why this function exists, and why it's blue and white and not, say, green and purple, but I like it.

7:40 EST
Realized that very few people are still reading this, but will continue to write for the remainder of the flight (70 minutes) to amuse myself.

7:41 EST
Woman two rows up is working on what appears to be the most boring powerpoint presentation ever created. I have a pink frog, cool movie, and soda. I am by far a much cooler person.

7:42 EST
I just itched my nose, and I think the woman next to me thinks I picked it. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to tell her that I was just scratching.

7:43 EST
Decided not to initiate conversation with woman, because I may have to pick my nose before we land, and she will inevitably see it and think that I was lying when I said I was scratching it.

7:44 EST
Realized I couldn't care less if the woman next to me believes I picked my nose.


7:45 EST
Do you ever hurt your finger in the area between the flesh and the nail? I did.

7:46 EST
Kid on movie just snapped off finger in window. I made a loud noise of surprise when it happened and now people are staring. They have good reason to suspect that I am crazy (pink frog is still sitting on tray).

7:47 EST
BAG GUY I WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME AND KILL YOU. I'LL DO IT. POUR THE FUCKING WHATEVER ON YOUR FUCKING TRAY AND THROW THE FUCKING BAG AWAY.

7:48 EST
Old woman just walked to bathroom. Question for Darby (new roommate, flight attendant): What happens when someone dies mid-flight? Where do they put the body? In an overhead storage compartment? I should probably wait until after we have a few other conversations to ask her this...

7:51 EST
Old woman returns. She didn't die, but we have a good hour left of flight time to go.

7:52 EST
I want another diet coke.

7:54 EST
There is a wireless network called "Free Public Wifi," but it doesn't work for me. I think it's a trick.

7:55 EST
THERE'S,... THERE'S,... THERE'S SOMEONE... SOMEONE ON THE WING!

7:55:30 EST
Just kidding.

7:56 EST
Damnit. I should've brought "Lost" to play. Now that's a good airplane show. That and "The Langoliers." My friend Brian and I were going to have an entire airline company where the tickets were absurdly cheap, and we'd show airplane horror movies on the flight for free, but charge hundreds of dollars for earplugs and eye masks (which I realize now are called "blindfolds" by people who... know... words...).

7:58 EST
We're flying above one of the great lakes. Its probably one of those unimportant ones, like Erie or the one that starts with an "O".

8:02 EST
If you need to kill time in the middle of a horror movie, insert a little kid singing a religious song. "Jesus Loves Me" works great. If the kid could also have an imaginary friend that isn't so imaginary, that'd be great too.

8:09 EST
I have renamed my frog "Thomas Jeffrey." Reminder - look up name to see if it's already taken by someone. It was originally named "Baubles", but it didn't suit him. Also, I believe that it is a male frog that is comfortable enough with his froggy sexuality to be pink rather than a female frog, which is what the nametag implied.

8:13 EST
The cross on the movie is turned upside-down! What does it mean?! Thomas and I are intrigued.

8:14 EST
Lesson learned from movie: Don't perform amateur exorcisms. I wonder if there are exorcism classes. Class 1: Pea Soup is your enemy, not your friend. Class 2: The power of Christ compels you. Class 3: Stairs, ouija boards, also not your friend. Class 4: Dress for success (black shirt, white collar).

8:19 EST
Have to pee, but think that taking computer with me might be frowned upon. Will try to wait. Damn diet coke... so good, but so fast traveling.

8:20 EST
This movie is very similar to "The Shining". Crazy Mom, crazier Dad, weird kid with un-imaginary friend, being driven crazy by weird building. Red Rum. Red Rum!

8:24 EST
We are either about to crash, hitting turbulence, about to land, or my bladder is exploding. All seem equally likely.

8:25 EST
Thomas Jeffrey definitely looks stoned. His eyelids are droopy and his pupils are dilated. I like it.

8:42 EST
Had to put computer away because ears weren't popping. They should show video of a person yawning to help people out. I resorted to fake-nose blowing and taking a little red pill that is a decongestent, or something similar.

8:44 EST
Lights of city are amazing. It's very dark out and they are actually twinkling. In big cities, at night, I always feel like a little kid in absolute awe. I like to think about what each of the lights are. One is a grandma making cookies for her grandson, one is a couple settling into their first night as husband and wife, one is an apartment getting robbed, etc.

8:46 EST
We're landing!