Things TiVo* has taught me.

1. I love Kathy Griffin. I thought she was kind of annoying and not that funny, but I've started watching her show, and let me tell you - she's me, except instead of trying not to suck at comedy, I try not to suck at teaching. And let's be honest, teaching and comedy are very similar, almost the same.

"My parents have horrible dating advice, because it's from World War II. You know, it's just stuff you can't use like 'as long as a man buys you a nice pair of stockings.' I was like, Mom, you can just go to a store a get stockings now."

I cannot tell you how many times I tried to make a joke in front of 30 15-year-olds and totally bombed. Then I threatened their grade if they didn't laugh. Then they laughed. And cried. But most importantly they laughed.

"I wish they would have peppered the room with more gays. Because straight people will just let you down every time. And they don't know how to laugh at a good pussy joke." So true, Kathy.


2. People who watch trashy reality TV are morons who are not worthy of my time. Of course, "trashy reality TV" can only be defined as "shows I don't watch". I do love to watch wifeswap with Kristin, or supernanny, or even Big Brother 8. I remember watching the original Big Brother seven years ago. When I'm watching it now sometimes I think, "wow, look at me. I used to be watching this show in my parents basement, drinking diet coke. Now I'm watching it in New York City, drinking diet coke I had to pay for myself. Damnit!!"


3. Dawson's Creek was NOT as good as I remember it. But it is just as addictive. I love you Dawson! But knowing that Jen dies at the end makes it harder to hate her. I also realized that I hated her because I wanted to be her - I wanted to be a slut from NY. Wait...


4. I want to be Samantha Brown's new best friend so I can travel with her on Passport to Europe. Better yet, she can quit her job and Kristin and I can take over. Passport to Europe with Linstin. We ca have little segments, like the best drink of the area. Or the best men in the area. Or the best places to pass out in public and not get urinated on.


5. I thought my TV watching habits were fairly sophisticated. But now that I record everything, it's all nicely listed in one area. Here's a rundown: Big Brother 8, Passport to Europe, The Big Gay Sketch Show, Father of the Bride 1 and 2, Degrassi, The Naked Chef (I don't actually cook, I just watch him. He's hot.), Dawson's Creek, The Price is Right, Cash Cab (I love you Ben Bailey!), The Simpsons, and Jaws (research for my Sharks and Rays class). I guess I'm not all that sophisticated. Shocker!


6. I mostly watch the show Intervention because I feel that what they're doing is important. These people are real humans who made bad choices in their life. But mostly I watch Intervention to feel better about my life. "Yeah, I haven't been to the gym in a month, I'm single, and I drink a lot, but at least I'm not smoking heroin in my parent's garage!"


7. Commercials are even more annoying than before TiVo*. I love to skip them. Except, of course, the commercials that are about me.

Girl goes to refrigerator. Dog enters room. Dog: "Hey Lindsey? I wish you didn't smoke weed**. You're not the same when you smoke, and I miss my friend. I'll be outside." Best commercial ever.


8. Dr. Phil is mean. I like it. I like when people cry on the show.


9. Game shows like Cash Cab, the World Series of Pop Culture, Jeopardy, etc. are much easier when you can pause the show, look up the answer on the Internet, then restarted the show and shout the answer out.



* Not actually TiVo, but the Time Warner version of DVR.
** I do not smoke pot. I don't even know what pot is.