I love you, Jon Stewart.

I have a new job!

It's in the uber-hip Williamsburg area (also the next city for MTV's The Real World) teaching 7th grade science. That's right, 7th graders. This should be interesting.

Also the school is on the 5th floor of a building without an elevator. Phew. My butt is going to look amazing. Also I've heard that anyone who teaches middle school loses about 30 pounds in their first semester, so get ready for a hot teacher. And an angry teacher, possibly, since 7th-graders are supposedly the craziest grade ever. They're young enough to have the impulse control and attention span of a child, but they have the hormones and attitudes of really annoying adults.

I'm excited though. I'm lesson-planning and mentally designing my own classroom.

Other than that I'm going to be spending most of July in Wisconsin with the family and Wisco friends on a lake. My dad got a cabin for me in an effort to get me to stay for more than 3 days, and it worked. Now I'm trying to find one of those old-fashioned plaid golf hats with a poofy ball on top, and a matching one for my uncle's dog. My dad also got a golf cart for me to drive around for 2 weeks on the golf roads next to the cabin. He didn't even get it from the golf course - he got it from "a guy" he knows. I think there may be a Wisconsin mafia, and my dad might be a key member. Hmm.... Oh well, as long as I have my golf cart, I'm not going to ask any questions. :)

Best (worst?) anti-pot commercial ever.

Hmm...

My Personality

Neuroticism	43
Extraversion	53
Openness to Experience	38
Agreeableness	0
Conscientiousness	12

You are a calm person who is considered almost fearless by some, however you feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You are not interested in the arts and do not display aesthetic sensitivity. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you, however you believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining and are sometimes seen as unreliable or even irresponsible by others.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report.

Neuroticism

Overall Score 43
Anxiety 14
Anger 95
Depression 19
Self-Consciousness 22
Immoderation 94
Vulnerability 17

You are a calm person who is considered almost fearless by some. You feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. You very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind. You do not feel nervous in social situations, and have a good impression of what others think of you. You feel strong cravings and urges that you have difficulty resisting. You tend to prefer short-term pleasures and rewards over long-term consequences. You are poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed.



Extraversion

Overall Score 53
Friendliness 31
Gregariousness 33
Assertiveness 84
Activity Level 13
Excitement-Seeking 62
Cheerfulness 89

People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You like crowds but sometimes feel overwhelmed by them. Sometimes you feel like you need some privacy and time for yourself. You like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. You are usually the leader in group activites. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You enjoy some excitment and risk taking in your life. You experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy.



Openness to Experience

Overall Score 38
Imagination 43
Artistic Interests 0
Emotionality 91
Adventurousness 41
Intellect 37
Liberalism 69

You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You are not interested in the arts and do not display aesthetic sensitivity. You have good access to and awareness of your own feelings. Familiar routines are good, but sometimes you like to spice up your life with a bit of adventure or activity. You enjoy a certain amount of debate or intellectual thought, but sometimes get bored with too much. Often you exhibit a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. Sometimes you feel a certain degree of hostility toward rules and perhaps even enjoy ambiguity.



Agreeableness

Overall Score 0
Trust 14
Morality 3
Altruism 39
Cooperation 4
Modesty 8
Sympathy 21

You generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you. You are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy.



Conscientiousness

Overall Score 12
Self-Efficacy 35
Orderliness 16
Dutifulness 31
Achievement-Striving 9
Self-Discipline 23
Cautiousness 26

You are moderately confident that you can achieve the goals you set yourself. In general you tend to be disorganized and scattered. You find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining and are sometimes seen as unreliable or even irresponsible by others. You are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. You find yourself procrastinating and show poor follow-through on tasks. Often you fail to complete tasks - even tasks that you want very much to complete. You often say or do the first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives.

If you haven't watched the show "Home Movies", you haven't truly lived.

Blog Post Title

I love it.

April 12! (link)

I'm going to help clean up a NYC park in Brooklyn. If you're anywhere near NYC, you should come help. I'll even buy you a Diet Coke.

If you're not in NYC, or you don't particularly want to pick up NYC garbage (I don't blame you), you should donate! My goal is $5,000, and as I post this I am at a whopping $0, so I need your help. Any donation would be great, even as little as $5 - you can donate online using this link or you can give to me in person. You can check this link to see a picture of me picking up trash... and one of my face, in case you forgot what I looked like. Doesn't that face make you want to give money? Aww, you know it does!

Thanks, and I love you. Unless you didn't donate, and then I merely like you.

Penis-obsessed? (link)

Go here, the Icelanedic Phallological Museum. It's a museum entirely devoted to the penii (penises?) of every land and sea mammal found in Iceland.

From my page-a-day calendar

"Sex makes you happy, and happy people don't run a 3:47 mile."

--Marty Liquori, a famous miler, on why it's better to abstain from sex before an important race.


The parasitic disease, Chagas disease, is caused by the protozoa Trypanosoma cruzi. It is transmitted by the giant reduvid bug, or kissing bug. But you don't get it from kissing or being kissed. This lovely bug defecates in your eye while biting you on the face.

Tales from the Office

Guy at work: How's your celery?

Me: Crunchy.

Guy: Good, there's nothing worse than flaccid celery.

Me: Well, there's one thing worse than flaccid celery...

Guy: Okay that's true.

I love you, Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil is one of the smartest people in the world, I'm convinced of it. His shows have gotten a little trashy (and really, who doesn't love that), but I really like his books. I bought his weight loss book and granted I haven't finished it, but he knows infinitely more than most other health book writers - and that's not even his specialty!

So I bought another one of his books "Love Smart: Find the one you want, Fix the one you got." I bought it on Amazon of course because I wouldn't be caught dead buying this book in a book store.

I'm only on page 10, but so far I learned that Dr. Phil, as a child, thought that dogs were boys and cats were girls and that's why they didn't get along. I thought that too! Dr. Phil we are the same person!! Let's get Diet Coke sometime.

Also, I like this out-of-context quote: "I want us to be proactive like the vulture sitting up on a telephone line who looks at the other vulture and says, "Forget this waiting, I'm going to go kill something." Good point, Dr. Phil, but maybe killing something wasn't the best analogy to make.

The muppet is Dr. Feel, who is on Sesame Street. When someone makes a muppet to resemble me, my life will be complete.

It just doesn't make sense.

I dislike it when people say things like "On a scale of 1 to 10, it's a 28!"

That is impossible. The scale goes from 1 to 10. It could be a 10, but it could not be higher than a 10.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of annoyance, it's a 10. See? It's easy.

Also, it's an ATM, or an AT Machine. NOT an ATM machine. Do you people even know what the letters stand for?!

Okay.... I know

It's been a while since my last post. I'm a busy person!

Here's what I've been watching on TV instead of writing here. (I said I was busy, not popular...)


1. I am addicted to BBC America, specifically "You are what you eat" and "How clean is your house?"

"You are what you eat" is about a tiny blonde British woman - Gillian McKeith. She is my hero. She's very mean but deep down you can tell she cares... but in a mean way. It's kind of how I teach. She breaks them down and then builds them back up into what she wants them to be. The setup is this: someone nominates someone else because they think that person needs to lose weight. Then Gillian tracks them down and yells at them. She takes all of the things they ate in a week and lays them out on a table. Some of them are ridiculous! One woman had 6 lattes a DAY! So Gillian took a huge vat and poured in all the milk, coffee, and sugar that the woman takes in in a year. The people on the show cry a lot. One woman had 3 burgers a day so Gillian took all the hamburger she eats in a year and made it into a body outline to convince the girl that her diet would kill her. Just to top it off she dumped the saturated fat on the top and they watched it harden. Even the voiceover guy is supermean. He likes to make little jokes like "Looks like Katie needs to be less weighty!" British people are so mean! I need to move there! Gillian come yell at me.

"How clean is your house?" is kind of the same. People are nominated because their houses are disgusting and then two British women come and yell at them. But they also clean the houses and take samples of the really dirty areas to find what was living there. Every time I watch it, it freaks me out and I decide that I need to clean my apartment top to bottom... but I never actually do that. Maybe today.


2. Miss America Reality Check - It just started yesterday, but the first episode was fantastic. They have all 52 Miss America contestants (50 states, District of Columbia, and what else?). The point is to update the image of Miss America and transform the women into more modern contestants instead of beauty pageant robots. It's sad how bad some of the women are - one didn't know what the flag of her own state looked like. They even got them to talk about political issues, and some of them are very scary. But the good news is, some of them actually seem like human beings. Each week they rank the bottom 3 and the top 3, but no one is voted off. In later episodes some of them cry. This excites me - does that make me a bad person?


3. How to Look Good Naked with Carson Kressley. First of all Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is amazing. He's funny and sweet, but watching this show made me like him even more. They take girls who hates their bodies and have low self-esteem and go through a series of exercises to make them feel better about themselves. First Carson made the girl strip down to her underwear and go over her body head to toe, talking about what she didn't like. For some people this may seem a bit silly but for a fat girl this is a horrible nightmare - and it's going to be on national TV! Then Carson goes back over her and tells her what he sees. The girl didn't like her hips so Carson set up 6 women with large hips in order of smallest to largest and told her to put herself where she thought she fell. Not surprisingly she put herself between girls that were significantly larger than she was. Then Carson took the picture of her in just her underwear, projected onto the side of a building, and asked pedestrians what they thought of her. They were truthful but nice! One woman said "That looks like me, but with better boobs!" and the men said she was hot. Finally they got her a new bra (80% of women wear the wrong size bra - 80%!!), and it made her look much much better. I cried a lot when I watched this show, it's super sweet and I want to have a Carson Kressley with me all the time. He can hang out with me, Gillian, and Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear.